Steps
I usually do not get the opportunity to remain calm and steady through a breakup. It’s something emotionally messy, and so many feelings you had suppressed comes all flowing out of you because you uncorked the wine and you don’t mean to hurt the other but you kinda do because you feel so hurt and you still love that person but you know in your mind that there’s a reason for all this heartache and...well here I am, two months later, breaking up with you again. Not because I didn’t break up with you that one day 10 weeks ago...but because you still haven’t found closure. I feel that I’ve been breaking up with you every other week. You keep seeking me for reasons why we broke up, and over and over again, I have to live through another breakup.
I get thrown back though when you asked me “have you ever been dumped”? My answer was “yes” because before I dated you, I was broken up to too. I remember I wanted answers too...I needed to, I wanted to confirm that whatever we had was real...that it wasn’t all made up in my mind...that I wasn’t the only one who was head over heels into the idea that he was the one. As he pushed me away more and more, I had to move forward and explore the horizons alone. Of course, I couldn’t have done it without the help of my friends listening to me ask their opinions on my love story the millionth time. But I moved forward. I took a step. First, to relearn to self-love; it was easy to love another and lose track of how to love thyself. I took another step. I took myself out on dates, learned about hobbies I didn’t know I could have. How many steps forward? I lost track. But there you were as if you were waiting for me to stumble upon you. Right by my door, with your Shoei helmet and your long black hair. You asked me for chopsticks desperate for a connection. And all it took was a sunset ride. I was hooked, your back, so strong, so kind, so warm. As I hugged tightly, I flashed back to when I was a little girl, how I dreamt of feeling this type of way...as you hover my hand to keep the wind from freezing them, as you warmed up your hand on the engine of the bike to give me warmth -- I felt your soul.
What we had was real Don. And so I sink into my couch, typing away as to figure out what the right answer is...do I tell him a lie? A lie that I don’t love you, even though I love you still, just the same the first time I said it... “Have you ever been dumped”? Yeah, I have Don. And I didn’t get my answers too. No matter how much I seek for a conclusion, a reason, there wasn’t any until you stumbled by my door. Until I reached this far in my chapter of life. I grew so much. You were there to water me when the sun was beaming me dry. I achieved so many and will continue to learn my strength...and now I hate to say this, but this spirit is yours. I’m dumping you. So you can take your steps.
