#separationsucks

I usually do not get the opportunity to remain calm and steady through a breakup. It’s something emotionally messy, and so many feelings you had suppressed comes all flowing out of you because you uncorked the wine and you don’t mean to hurt the other but you kinda do because you feel so hurt and you still love that person but you know in your mind that there’s a reason for all this heartache and...well here I am, two months later, breaking up with you again. Not because I didn’t break up with you that one day 10 weeks ago...but because you still haven’t found closure. I feel that I’ve been breaking up with you every other week. You keep seeking me for reasons why we broke up, and over and over again, I have to live through another breakup. 

I get thrown back though when you asked me “have you ever been dumped”? My answer was “yes” because before I dated you, I was broken up to too. I remember I wanted answers too...I needed to, I wanted to confirm that whatever we had was real...that it wasn’t all made up in my mind...that I wasn’t the only one who was head over heels into the idea that he was the one. As he pushed me away more and more, I had to move forward and explore the horizons alone. Of course, I couldn’t have done it without the help of my friends listening to me ask their opinions on my love story the millionth time. But I moved forward. I took a step. First, to relearn to self-love; it was easy to love another and lose track of how to love thyself. I took another step. I took myself out on dates, learned about hobbies I didn’t know I could have. How many steps forward? I lost track. But there you were as if you were waiting for me to stumble upon you. Right by my door, with your Shoei helmet and your long black hair. You asked me for chopsticks desperate for a connection. And all it took was a sunset ride. I was hooked, your back, so strong, so kind, so warm. As I hugged tightly, I flashed back to when I was a little girl, how I dreamt of feeling this type of way...as you hover my hand to keep the wind from freezing them, as you warmed up your hand on the engine of the bike to give me warmth -- I felt your soul. 

It's only been 72 hrs, but I've had the worst day. Valentines. Dropped off my son after-school at Alex's. He showed me how nice he's been cleaning and touching up paint everywhere. Whatever. I finally asked him if he's selling his house for real. "If I get a decent price for it." "Then what?" "(His home province)" "You're not taking D" "Yes I am." "No you're not." And he had the audacity to say not the time or place for talking about it, and told me to get out. And to stop going there when he's not home. Like I ever do. Tf.

He was right tho. I didn't want to fight about it in front of our kid, so I left. And cried all day. I have the rankest headache. Didn't get my assignment done, but it's due Wed, so I have tomorrow lol.

Anyways, I told my parents. My dad called but I ignored it cuz I was ugly crying still. Slept a bit. He called back and told me to call a lawyer. It was already too late cuz it was after hours already. But I emailed a office to ask for a consultation. So, fuck it. Court it will be then. I'm not weak anymore for him to think he could bully me anymore. I'm tired of it. Fuck him if he wants to leave, he can go. But don’t take my baby.

I hate this tho. Not what I wanted. Idk why I assumed everything would be fine forever. He's not even from here. Shit head. And I don't even care anymore if they say I could take half his earnings from that house. I'd let it happen. Sick of thinking I owe him anything, or being scared. If I'm entitled, for my kid's sake, I'll take it.

We'll just have to see. I don't care if I don't get anything. Main thing is keeping my son here. He needs me, and he's close to my family. Alex barely even has his. And works away for work. He'd fuck up our kid if he took him away. Omgggggggg.