#sensualsubsearching

I have been away from Tumblrtown for some time now. I am not sure if I distanced myself on purpose or if it just happened little by little, until the idea of looking made me feel uneasy. Every time I would scroll through my feed, I was underwhelmed and given anxiety from the things I found. The content had not changed, but my view has. Somewhere along the lines, I’ve attempted to turn off my emotions and to burry the pain and tumblr just reminded me of everything I don’t have. It has been almost 3 months, (4 if you count the month of him being in a coma) that I’ve been alone. For the most part I feel like I am drifting on a piece of driftwood as I brave for the next 10ft swells coming to eat me whole. Being on tumblr was almost subjecting myself to feeling even worse.

When I think truthfully, I feel abandoned and I am not even sure how to process these emotions anymore. It is amazing to me that the very thing that made me feel so safe, now almost makes me feel so unsafe. His voice, his text, even looking at a picture of him makes me feel just irrationally upset. The heart of the matter is, no one gives you a “how to” guide in navigating these types of situations. So when I came across the prompt of how do you define feeling safe, and what is safety to you, I am not sure I fully know.

Feeling safe used to be him, and I feel like for many recently separated subs, there is this drifting aimlessness. There is this lack of unsafe stability. And because I like to go big or go home, I have added on extra layers by questioning if I can even do this again. Can I search for a D/s relationship again? Can I open myself up to this again without getting repeatedly rejected or hurt? When you talk about safety, that is the hardest thing to face. Trusting yourself and the universe enough to know that it will be ok eventually.

Saftey within the dynamic is often touched on when it comes to limits or sessions. How to give a bruise safely, how to choke someone safely, but what about after? What am I supposed to do now as I free fall in this state of unknown? Maybe I’m getting sentimental because of the holidays coming up, but I just don’t want to feel this hurt anymore. I want to feel safe again. I want to feel loved and protected. But I find the exact opposite.

I don’t want to end being so grim, but those facing this, let’s all hope we can get through this together as subs growing and finding strength. Let’s find saftey within ourselves, let’s look to the future.

I may not believe that I have one, but I hope to see others lost find that safe port in the storm.

I saw this writing prompt and I was frozen for a bit. For the longest time I did not know what I was. Seeing all the scripted posts of beautiful people wrapped in something that I thought I wanted, only confused me more.

I thought a sub was one who was more into physical pain. I thought a slave was more into humiliation and giving up full control. I thought a little was more about gentle affection. All of these ideas, some were accurate, some were misconceptions.

Perhaps what makes me feel lost in answering this, is I still feel so broken at the loss of my Daddy, and really it was his own fluidity in roles that he liked, that matched my own flip flopping. In “everyday” situations he liked me calling him Daddy. The gentle side of him was something I felt an almost high off of. But when it came to play time, he wished to be called Sir and Master. He transformed to liking the deeper aspects of D/s and M/s and not the D/lg path that we started on. He said he was exploring things with me that he had never in the past, strictly because he did not have a sub that he said he felt like would be receptive to diving in a different direction.

So when I think about what I identify with, I still do not know. I know more what I do not like vs what I would call myself. And without the guidance of my Daddy, I don’t know how I am supposed to grow further within my most realized self. I wanted to be the most perfect sub and kitten for him. I wanted to be everything he had dreamt of and more. When I think about my role and what I identify as , it was one thing, it was being his. His kitten, his princess. His slave, his sub. I suppose I related to all of those because all I wished was to satisfy his desires.

Now I am alone, like a grieving widow lost because I no longer have him here to help me. I no longer have my compass. When I think about what I identify as now, I just feel directionless. He was my all, and now, I cling to every memory of him possible.

First night in awhile that I’ve had to myself, and so my brain feels like it is on overdrive. No distractions, just noise. And so the topic I ponder is the inner workings of my brain. Generally speaking I like to say that I am honest. In fact, I have been accused of being too honest or painfully blunt. But few see the reality, and it is something I don’t always like to admit to myself. I am just as bad of a liar as those conpulsed to spin whatever toxic or alluring lies as truth. I am just as bad as those who mask the manipulations for entertainment. But I do this not for others, but like them, for my own gratification.Truth is ugly and has this nasty way of cutting deep. It is easier to lie, to create a false perception of what is then deal with the underlining facts.

I admit that I create lies and spin them but I inflict this harm on myself. I let my anxieties take the best of me. If someone is to ask me if I am ok after I’ve spent hours from crying, I smile and say I’m fine. If someone is to make a joke at my expense but tugs at my deep insecurities, I laugh with them and say it was clever. If someone is to reject me and say I am not pretty enough, or sub enough, or I am too boring or needy, I nod and say I understand. But all of these things I don’t understand, And all these little white lies I tell myself maybe are doing more damage.

I ran across this prompt asking about what one might hide from their Dom/me, and I stopped to think what those implications really mean. The natural course is that there needs to be no walls behind such a dynamic, that no words are too much, that no feelings are wrong. I will admit that perhaps this is one thing that initially sucked me in. You mean I could find a Dom that would listen, cherish and protect me? Through the ups, the downs, the amazing highs, I would have someone to stand by me? I would be able to have someone run his hands upon my face and pull my gaze into his, and say you are mine , ALL of you.

This to me was a myth but it was one I wanted to believe, and still want to (despite the little lie of me saying no I don’t, I don’t need it.)Yet in this dynamic so far all I have found is heartache and betrayal and saddness. Ive found the fakes and the cheats that just wanted a quick fix. I’ve found the extreme bastards that find fun in the game of making a woman theirs with deceit. I have found more people who wish to see me raw and exposed in my submission to deny it or toy with it, than to see it and appreciate how much of me it took to do that.

So when I think of what I would hide from my Dom, it may be the same thing I hide from myself. Those voices that spin my sub brain in a frantic frenzy, those moments that I am afraid I could show too much emotion or be too much of a bother. Those needy moments that chip away at me, that crave his attentions and his calming voice to silence me. I dare not shows those to him. I dare not lose him because why would anyone want a mess of a sub like myself? Why would any Dom want me, when he could have the beautiful goddess that wears makeup to perfection paired with the seductive heels, lingerie and dress or skirt combo? The sub that does not faulter or have moments of such repulsive weakness? I tell myself that no one will see me as worth it. Those secret parts of me that I hide away from myself, those are the ones I would defensively hide from my Dom. But when I think about it with gross honesty, those are the real parts that I wish someone would see and tell me they are just as beautiful as the rest of it.

“You are a master of your unspoken words, but a slave to the words you have spoken” -Winston Churchill

I suppose I don’t know if I have another avenue to express what I need to. But I am feeling exceptionally low. I finally found myself, but it led me to becoming even more lost. For 4 years I was with a man that I loved. We had a rocky relationship, but he broke past all my walls and tried to make me believe it was ok to have broken parts, that it didn’t make me broken. That I was worth loving after all the previous sexual abuse. But then he died. A freak car accident. I became broken once more.

It took me 3 years to be ok with the idea of even looking at someone again. But I did just that. I sank into these parts of myself that I have always known were there. The submissive notes that were composed into this hidden piece that I didn’t fully recognize. And I stumbled to find the right conductor to fully bring my dream to life. I found men that were absuive, selfish, or just flat. I lost faith in what I was doing by branching out to this other way.

But then I found him. A man 22 years my senior. A man that I was not expecting to feel so much for, but this man changed me. He became my Daddy, Master and Sir. He became someone I love. Love, a concept I did not think I’d feel again, yet here I was feeling that undistinguishable emotion. He brought me into this D/s dynamic in a way that I longed for. I saw all the stories and posts of people in these powerful relationship and finding their Daddy Dom or Kitten. These manicured showings of what I wanted and what I didn’t have. Then I had a taste of that with him. He taught me what a real Dom is. Not some fallacy, he was real. But he was in another country, had 2 daughters and a vanilla relationship. Somehow thought it all, I still fell for him. I still melted at the connection we had. A connection that was unmatched. I was becoming my true sub self at his guiding hand. I was head over heals and didn’t care how unconventional it was.

But now, fate has hurt me again. For the past month he has been in a coma. For the past month I’ve been in denial that the man that brought me back to life, is dying. But today I was told that we may be facing what we feared. That he won’t survive and this is the end.

I sit here angry and sad. I sit here alone because I can not be there. Out of respect to his daughters who don’t know about me, and his vanilla gf that does not wish to know of me, I have to watch a man I love die from the sidelines.

I want to sit with him, hold his hand and just see his face again. I want to tell him to please come back to us. I want to kiss him and hope that in the depths of his conscience, he would know I was there.

I don’t know if I can survive this. And if I do, how do I move on? How do I not feel like I am once again, shattered to tiny pieces. My Daddy, my Master my Sir, my protector. I am in tears as I write this.

Yes. Today is one of them. I question myself. I question others. I question if there is a true point in my search. I fight with myself. And perhaps this prompt was not directed at this line of inquiry, but in this second I am not feeling any type of confidence that I will survive or find what I want. And maybe that is the bigger issue. I want to feel it in my bones. I want to feel it shaking my foundation, and reminding me that yes, THIS, THIS IS IT. This is what I’ve read and this is what I wanted to experience. This is what makes me feel alive. It could be seen as desperate, that I am one of those girls who will go weak in the knees for the tumblr cookie cutter version of a Daddy/Dom. But it couldn’t be further from the truth. I don’t crave 50 shades of fake.

But In my limited time splashing about, I can’t help but wonder though, am I a round peg trying to shove my awkwardly shaped intentions into a square hole?

I see people ask to see my body before my face. I see people that start with good intentions but then fade away. They ghost, they lie, they fall out of lust. It terrifies me truthfully with the idea of trying to wade back into any of that. Where my worth is on my physical looks. That because I am not “fit or active” (code for thin) , I am less of a human. So the parts of me that so desperately feel a hunger to find someone that I can grow and connect with, there are other aspects in my brain that push back, toss me a middle finger and tell me “not today”. There is a war that I fight because I crave to kneel, I crave to feel that ridiculously amazing high that I see people talk about, that I had in spirts once with my passed Daddy. I so much wish to find a partner and someone that is strong enough to carry me.

I think of my passed Daddy and the time that was robbed from us, but even then I have pangs of other sadness tied to him. The darker parts that make me question our time but the other truths that I just miss him.

Today... today I am having a low day. Today I am not feeling it and tired of the fruitless search and continued disappointments. Today I question if the universe wants me to be alone. But the heart what the heart wants. And I want it all, even on days like this where I’m just not feeling it.