Could I possibly get a critique on this RP OC Iāve been working on? Warning for a LONG bio and brief mentions of some pretty intense torture.
āIām not who I used to be. Not who Iām meant to be.ā
⦠f u l l n a m e ā¦
Deen James Grey
⦠n i c k n a m e s ā¦
Spook, Dee
⦠g e n d e r ā¦
Cis Male
⦠s p e c i e s ā¦
Human
⦠p o w e r s & a b i l i t i e s ā¦
Deen can see and speak to the dead whoāve yet to pass on. He hasnāt ever actually seen someone pass on, so he has his doubts that it ever happens. He canāt turn off his ability, and sees ghosts nearly everywhere he goes. The ability wasnāt one that came naturally, it was forcibly learned.
⦠s e x u a l o r i e n t a t i o n ā¦
Demisexual
⦠r o m a n t i c o r i e n t a t i o n ā¦
Homoromantic
⦠b i r t h d a y ā¦
August 30th
Hey, Yani-Senpai here!! Iāll take care of this one for you. He shares my birthday!!
⦠m e n t a l a g e ā¦
22-27
⦠t h e m e s o n g s ā¦
⢠Ghost Town- First Aid Kit
⢠Rising, Rising- Crywolf
⢠No Culture- Mother Mother
⦠f a c e c l a i m ā¦
Iyden James
⦠v o i c e c l a i m ā¦
Basically like Billy Bob Thornton as Lorne Malvo from the television series, Fargo. You can easily find examples on YouTube.
⦠u n i v e r s e / s e t t i n g ⦠Modern day with a touch of alternate history and super natural. Setting can be any city or town really.
⦠a p p e a r a n c e ā¦
⦠h e i g h t ā¦
5'10"
⦠w e i g h t ā¦
124lbs
⦠b o d y t y p e ā¦
Tall and lanky, underweight due to his lack of appetite.
⦠r a c e / e t h n i c i t y ā¦
Welsh/English
⦠s k i n t o n e ā¦
Pale, more often than not has a sickly tint
⦠h a i r c o l o r ā¦
Lackluster Black
⦠h a i r s t y l e ā¦
Short-ish with a natural flip to his bangs. Generally very unkempt and messy.
⦠e y e c o l o r ā¦
Sage green, intense and piercing
⦠e y e s h a p e ā¦
Typical European round shape, often narrowed in mistrust or disgust. He generally has dark circles under his from exhaustion
⦠t a t t o o s / p i e r c i n g s ā¦
Both ears are pierced twice, no tattoos
⦠d i s t i n g u i s h i n g f e a t u r e s ā¦
Thereās a large Y shaped scar on his chest, very much like an autopsy incision. The scars are well faded and darker than his normal skin tone.
⦠c l o t h i n g s t y l e ⦠Seemingly uncaring about his appearance, heāll wear basically whatever he can find in his closet thatās clean. Often its very dark colors or monotone black and greys. He very rarely goes without a worn black tweed button up coat on no matter the weather. Heās highly uncomfortable showing much skin around people he doesnāt know well.
Please be very careful with characters that seem this dark and upset all the time. Theyāre very unlikable as people in general and in an rp itās concerning to me that some people may dislike him purely on the fact that heās very unapproachable. Remember that people HAVE to judge him on his demeanor first. They donāt know him like you know him.Ā
⦠l i k e s ā¦
⢠Alternative music and bands
⢠Sleeping through the day
⢠Taxidermy
⢠Renaissance era and surrealistic paintings
⦠d i s l i k e s ā¦
⢠Pop, country and very up beat music
⢠Loud noises, places and people
⢠Most birds
⢠Horror movies or books
⦠f e a r s ā¦
Most birds, though heās okay with very small ones such as sparrows and finches.
⦠r e l i g i o n ā¦
Heās not religious nor is he against religion. Heās just indifferent.
⦠s t r e n g t h s ā¦
⢠Intelligent- Though he often tries to hide the fact his IQ is above average, he is very intelligent and a natural born student
⢠Steadfast in his beliefs- regardless of what others think, he stands firm behind what he believes while not belittling others for disagreeing
⢠A good listener- While he usually doesnāt know what to say in response, heās the type who can always be counted on the listen to whatever you need to say. Though whether or not heāll believe a word of it is another story.
⢠Even tempered- Heās very hard to anger to anger or mildly upset. But because it takes something serious to cause his upset, the anger is proportionate. One exception is physical pain. That never fails to easily upset him.
⢠Kind at heart- He can often come across as cold or uncaring because he doesnāt show much outward emotion, but he really is kind and caring. His past just makes it difficult to trust anyone enough to express that he cares.
Itās very important for you to consider the IQ height!! It always comes across almost elitist. Itās much better to describe a character as studious. Even just saying heās a natural born student is a better way to word it than slapping a number on him.Ā
Be careful with being steadfast in his beliefsĀ āwhile not belittling others for disagreeingā. This sounds easy on the surface, but as it stands, is harder in practice, especially in an RP setting. Many will attempt to argue it despite the characterās personality traits. Not saying this is bad, just saying itās important to keep a watch on how you write it. That said, everyone has a breaking point when their beliefs are challenged or made fun of! donāt make him too benevolent.Ā
The same goes with even tempered-ness. EVERYONE has a breaking point. Saying that physical pain is his breaking point is just untrue, because frankly, thatās not how people work. Eventually, someone has a bad day and will blow up. Even tempers only last so long.Ā
Trust issues and caring characters donāt go as hand in hand as you might think. Unfortunately, if someone doesnāt show outward emotion, his kind caring nature doesnāt mean anything or matter to anyone he interacts with. Consider, that the way this describes him, if someone were to come to him upset about a problem, his standoffishness and trust issues would lead him not to respond to them in any way other than to push them away or seem indifferent, keeping them from returning. Whether he cares about them inwardly doesnāt matter if they donāt see his caring nature, and it would seem out of character for him to suddenly start paying attention to problems of others if he doesnāt do a lot of interaction in the first place.Ā
⦠w e a k n e s s e s ā¦
⢠Recklessly impulsive- acts on his first instinct, often getting him into trouble.
⢠Socially awkward- Heās very awkward when it comes to speaking with the living. Sometimes even with the dead.
⢠Wary to trust- Once you earn his trust, he wonāt abandon your side. But his trust is a difficult thing to earn. He keeps most people at armās length.
⢠Easily frightened- Youād expect someone who sees ghosts, often mutilated, to be a bit braver. Heās a coward though, nearly afraid of his own shadow.
⢠Holds a grudge- Heās not quick to forgive. If you manage end up on his bad side, youāre going to have to do something major to make up for it.
You say heās kindhearted but he holds grudges. That doesnāt...really work? Kindhearted people donāt just decide to be angry and stay that way. More often those with good natures tend to consider the other side primarily--in fact itāll more often than not become a problem as they wonāt view a problem as someone elseās fault in any context--everything comes back to how they mutually hurt each other. Most kind hearts donāt hold grudges because they want to breed a setting of trust and good feelings.Ā
⦠h a b i t s ā¦
⢠Smoker
⢠Often skips meals
⢠An occasional drinker
⢠Bites his lips when heās thinking
⦠g o a l s ā¦
Long-term- Find a decent job and manage to keep it, Hopefully find some way to dispel the curse that makes him see ghosts.
Short-term- Get a cat.
⦠p e r s o n a l i t y ā¦
⦠b e s t q u a l i t y ā¦
His even temper and disposition
⦠w o r s t q u a l i t y ā¦
His pessimistic and distrustful nature
⦠f l a w s ā¦
ā¢Unwillingness to trust
ā¢Cowardice that often keeps him from reaching his potential
⦠d e f i n i n g t r a i t s ā¦
⢠Pessimistic
⢠Seemingly aloof and uncaring
⢠Quiet, usually very reserved
⢠Wary and almost suspicious of others
You seem to be putting a lot of issues as his inability to trust people. Please consider that thatās something that was caused by things done to him, and are not traits intrinsic to him. Not to mention, not trusting people right off the bat is not really a bad thing. Many people do it and itās not really a bad trait for them.Ā
⦠q u i r k s ā¦
⢠Fear of most birds- He has no traumatic event thatās the cause of this fear. Something about the way they move just unnerves him.
⢠Annoyed by certain phrases- People who consistently use the phrases āneedless to sayā and 'meanwhileā really tend to annoy him. He canāt explain exactly why, just that it drives him a little nuts.
⦠c o n f i d e n c e ā¦
Heās not at all very confident
When someone nitpicks the way I talk or the way other people around him talks, thatās a sure sign that I hate their guts. Not because itās just something about him I donāt like, but because itās a sure sign heās judgmental and thinks heās better. Just be careful.Ā
⦠p o s t u r e ā¦
Usually slouched, almost huddled in on himself as if expecting the worst at any moment
⦠a l i g n m e n t ā¦
Lawful Neutral
āDespair is familiar to me.ā
⦠b a c k s t o r y ā¦
Deen had known he was a bit different from most kids from a very young age. He was born to scientist parents and raised to excel in any field he might choose to enter. Unfortunately, his parents were recruited by a up in coming government official with an interest in the darker sides of research. Deen ended up living in a research compound with his now mostly absentee parents.
Heās not exactly sure how it happened, but eventually he was lumped in with other test subjects used to test the limits of the human body and bring forth unique and tactically advantageous abilities. Often these expiremints took the form of some sort of torture or forced near death experience.
This is already concerning because it hits a few cliches. Child abuse and neglect is not to be messed around with. Definitely look up the effects this can have on someone as they get older and research it like crazy because making it into something that just holds as a reason for him to be edgy instead of one of the reasons he has trauma are two very different things.Ā
After his abilities emerged when he was roughly eleven or twelve, he was nearly broken, seeing ghosts, badly mutilated and screaming in hysterics. It was instantly apparent that his was useless to the military and he was committed to a mental hospital under the pretense that he was suffering from psychosis.
It took him a few years, but he slowly managed to learn to ignore the spirits around him so he could pass as recovered and be discharged at age 16. In those few years, he became close to one spirit, a poltergeist, who seemed to want to help him. Caspian did what he could while he was hospitalized, wanting Deen free. And the teen, naive for his age, fell in love with the spirit. All wasnāt as it seemed though, and once Deen was free, traveling in hopes of finding somewhere to stay permanently, Caspian turned jealous and vengeful. It ended when the poltergeist physically attacked him. Deen sought the help of a priest who fashioned him a blessed charm to dispell poltergeists in general. He never takes it off, wearing it in the form of a small cross shaped earring.
Iām sorry, but does this imply that torturing human children by making them into test subjects would leave them in any other way than broken and screaming in hysterics? Why would they commit him to a hospital that wasnāt government run by the same group that did this to him? There are a lot of holes here. Doesnāt it make more sense to get rid of the failures through euthanasia than to release them where they could talk about the whole ordeal with people uninvolved? This kid would be HUNTED DOWN AND SHOT before they let this top secret info get out. This could be a very good story idea, actually, because heād be on the run!! But you should consider changing this a bit.Ā
⦠t r a u m a ā¦
To bring his ability forward, Deen was subjected to vivisection. Otherwise know as living dissection. It was the cause of his scars and was preformed without any anesthetic, while he was awake. The only reason he managed to survive was drugs to keep his heart rate from spiking and causing a heart attack. To this day, he is very sensitive to pain and deeply ashamed of the scars. He unconsciously believes they are somehow his own fault.
⦠b e s t m e m o r y ā¦
His eighth birthday, spent with his family around a pool. It was the best day of his life.
⦠w o r s t m e m o r y ā¦
The aforementioned vivisection
⦠p l a c e o f o r i g i n ā¦
Wales
⦠r e l a t i o n s ā¦
āBut at times I wonder, is that all there is to this world? Or is there more. Something Iām failing to see?ā
⦠m o t h e r ā¦
Edith Maria Grey- Status unknown
⦠f a t h e r ā¦
Stephen Edgar Grey- Status unknown
⦠s i b l i n g s ā¦
N/A
⦠f r i e n d s ā¦
He doesnāt have anyone heād actually call a friend.
⦠p a r t n e r ā¦
N/A
⦠p a s t p a r t n e r s ā¦
At one point he found himself almost unwillingly falling for a spirit named Caspian. That ended when he used his trust against him.
āIf there isnāt, if this is all there is, whatās the point of this existence?ā
⦠c o n v e r s a t i o n ā¦
āIām not crazy. I just see things you canāt. Thereās a difference.ā
⦠m e e t i n g s o m e o n e n e w ā¦
āWhat? Do you need something?ā
⦠f l i r t i n g ā¦
āWell, I likeā¦the parts of your face covered in skin?ā
⦠w h e n a n g r y ā¦
āWhat in the hell are you doing! Get out of here you pest!ā
āDo we just go through this meaningless life, and then cease to exist?ā
⦠s t a r t e r e x a m p l e ā¦
Most people wouldnāt be the least bit tempted to drive out the the middle of nowhere and then hike a mile and a half on a cold and drizzly winter morning. Especially with their only reward being an old cemetery so over grown that even in the middle of winter the headstones, or rather, remnants of headstones, were nearly invisible beneath the bare bushes.
But Dean wasnāt most people. Not by a long shot. So heād woken early, before dawn actually, to make the journey to the dilapidated bone yard. What drove him to do such a thing he couldnāt have told you, had you bothered ask. Heād never even heard of the old East Wind Cemetery before this morning.
Heād woken from a vivid dream, perhaps a vision. He wouldnāt call it that. But either way, the dream had been so vivid that when he recalled that heād seen the name of the place on a rusted, but not yet destroyed gate, he felt compelled to search the web for it. And when he found the place to be barely an hourās drive away, he knew he had to go see what there had been calling to him. The lanky teen didnāt bother packing anything but a notebook, pens and water in his worn backpack for the hike, he wanted to leave as soon as possible. He barely ate anyway, heād be fine skipping another meal or two. With those few things and his wool coat on hand, he drove.
After the rather wet hike, he made it to the edge of the cemetery without being too worn. He could already feel it. The chill of lingering souls just waiting to accost him, demand of him and wail to him. He saw none yet, but after just a few steps they appeared. A group of them. There were four, perhaps five. He didnāt count, they couldnāt actually hurt him. They all started at once, giving him their issues to try and sort out. He let out a nearly pained sound and covered his ears. āSTOP! One of you at a time!ā He shouted.
This character was pretty heavily inspired by binge reading Dean Koontzā novels. He wasnāt so much based on any one book, as much as his writing in general.
I love Dean Koontz!! Your writing is very good, I like the style and voice you give. This could be a very nice character if you tweak some things and make him just a bit more approachable, and work on the intricacies of the backstory. Itās a good start. Thatās all this is. A start. Please keep developing Deen, Iām interested. The longer you work on bits and pieces of his backstory and personality the more youāll be able to work out the kinks.Ā
Thanks for the submission!!Ā