Free at last.
It’s 6am in the morning. I have been unemployed for 36 hours. The muezzin is screaming god is great, but in a voice so horrible that He can’t be. My current lover is in my bed tossing and turning and talking in his sleep about Hummers and normal people. He’s tired, He’s been staying at my place all week helping with the event on Sunday, and now standing on guard in case I have a mental and/or physical breakdown.
I felt so good on Monday, I strutted out of the office ready for my new life. Then I came home and, after my after-work nap, woke up with a fever and severe back ache. A doctor says I have a throat infection and a UTI that is spreading to my kidneys. So I’m on 3 antibiotics and 2 other things that all make me want to throw up.
I think maybe my body is just showing my anxiety. The throat and lungs thing is probably all the cigarettes I’ve been smoking, but even that has been as a result of my unemployed stress. I’m really quitting this time, smoking that is, but I keep thinking, what am I going to do with my hands when I’m hanging out with people?
I have to work on that and a couple of other things, immediately! Like patience. And being kind to myself and others, like forgiving myself for what seems like so many mistakes in so few years. Mistakes like boys who got far more than they deserved, like not making the most out of college and like selling myself so damn short all the time.
So I’m looking forward to having the time to do all this and do yoga, and exercise and meditate and write more and go to the beach. I hope I don’t become a boring tee-total though, outrageousness is a trait I actually like about myself.
