#selfupdates

My home town, I realised how many people actually love me. How many people are rooting for me. Living in the city, u feel like everyone is out to get you. When you realize the people you have known for 10 years are still for you it’s another level of tranquil feeling.

So um a little update… it’s not good news but I came across this vlog after I think 3 years. And honestly I got inspired to be better and get my shit together like what my 20yr old self wanted to.

Tw: trauma dump

Honestly my life backtracked once I went back to my city home (we were quarantine in my country house). Found my dad cheated and it really left me disturbed. Broke up with my ex and honestly because I was having issues at home I couldn’t focus on anything I was just really disturbed.

Then I met men who didn’t have my best interests and I met these men (all different) again and again and again. They would make me anxious, make my stomach hurt, and sob at nights. Guys who didn’t want anything to do with me and knew that I liked them and kept using my feelings for attention and validation.

Then I met a better guy who didn’t want me to use like that but wanted me for my body and nothing serious because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings .

I was using men to escape from my shitty life at home thinking I might escape. Watching my mom cry, my mom get sick, get angry, getting to know my father wasn’t a hero, realising my dad was a selfish man. All those things. I thought a man could comfort me, save me or heal me from witnessing these things… but my wound only attracted predators.

I wasted my years.