#selfish fic

mcmarner yearning drabble that somehow turned into a mitch character study, 2k words

(see end notes)

Agatha x reader

A/n another venting fic, as well as my first agatha fic

I want to hide. I want to cry and hide and sink into the ground never to be seen again. I want the world to go away. I want it to stop. I want my brain to shut down again. I like it better when i’m numb. It’s easier to fake it. Easier to smile and pretend to be okay. I want to stop feeling. I hate this feeling. I hate how I feel all the time. Numb or sad, numb or sad, nothing else. I can’t even remember the last time I was just happy, with nothing else going on. That’s not to say I can’t feel happiness, it’s just always accompanied by the feeling of bittersweetness and sadness. God i wish I could just be happy.

My depression comes in waves. Sometimes I’m okay, sometimes I can forget that things were ever as bad as they were, even just for a moment. But then it comes back, it always fucking comes back. And suddenly I’m struggling to eat again, I’m not even trying to not eat, I just completely lose my appetite. And I get sad, so sad that anything remotely going wrong makes me want to curl up into a ball and sob. I forget things. Not like, where I left something or little things like that. I forget what’s normal, what I’m allowed to say, I forget how to behave. That’s what’s the most obvious, though people don’t put the 2 things together. Maybe that’s why people can’t deal with me anymore. I stop talking and when I do talk I mess it up.

I should talk to someone about it but I can’t bring myself to. I don’t want to talk, don’t want to take up space. So I hide. I shut myself in my room and hide under the blankets. I try to sleep but I can’t. I tell myself that I don’t want anyone to notice, that I don’t want to be seen and I want to be left alone. But god, do I wish someone would notice. Would tell me it’s okay. Would just lie with me quietly without a word. I wish I wish I wish. Maybe it’s too much, maybe the universe knows I don’t deserve it.

Truthfully I was stupid to think no one would notice. She would notice me not going to school. Why wouldn’t she? I’m in her classes and we meet up before school. I hope she didn’t wait too long before going in.

I know school’s over because there’s a knock on my door. It’s gentle, like she doesn’t want to alert me. I think she knows because she gets like this. Maybe not the same but she gets sad. When I don’t respond she comes in slowly. She calls my name gently before walking over to my bed. She puts her hand on my shoulder over the blankets, a reassuring grip. It makes me want to burst into tears. “I’m going to get changed and then we can just lie down together okay?” I don’t respond but I feel as she withdraws her hand, making me ache somewhere inside, and I hear her change.

She lifts the blankets and crawls inside, our faces practically nose-to-nose. I open my eyes to look at her. She was pretty, she never thought so but she was. She smiles at me gently, that smile she so rarely shows anyone, even me. I almost feel something other than sadness. Almost. “Do you wanna talk or do you just want to lie quietly together?” She asks, and my heart aches at her kindness.

“Tell me about your day?” I manage to croak out, despite myself. She does, complaining about Tedros and Sophie and all the other snotty princesses who can’t control themselves around the princess. Tedros is a friend of mine, our families having been close, but I find him a pain as well, at least when he’s around other people.

I watch her every movement, I struggle to keep listening but I find her voice soothing. I think she notices I’ve stopped listening because she stops talking and tucks some of my hair behind my ear. “What are you looking at?” She asks, whispering like I’m about to share some deep secret.

“Your face. It’s so pretty, I know you don’t think so but it is. You’re beautiful. I wish you knew that.” I whisper back. It’s true. I wish she could see herself how I did.

Her hands move to cup my face, “As much as I appreciate it, please darling, stop trying to take care of me for 1 minute. Just relax please, I’m okay, and it’s okay for you not to be.”

This time I actually do burst into tears. Ugly, snotty, tears. I feel ashamed, embarrassed. But she pulls me in tight, letting me cry into her chest, stroking my hair softly and holding me tight, as if to say that she’s not letting me go and she’s not going anywhere.

I don’t know how long we stay there, it felt for a while like I would never stop crying, then I couldn’t keep going, so exhausted, and I fell asleep on top of her. I woke up to her still holding me, I felt safe. I curled further into her, not wanting to move.

After a while she asked me if I could try to eat, she’d brought a snack with her, knowing I couldn’t handle much. She brought her own food, much more than she brought for me, it was nice that she ate with me, so I wasn’t alone. I nibbled on it slowly, it took me a while (she had almost finished her pile by the time I did) but I did manage to eat it. She gave me a warm smile and cuddled up close to me again. She put a TV show on, one of my favourites and held me tight for the rest of the night.

In celebration of the 2,000 milestone, I got an idea to write a little selfish fic from an ask about me meeting Robbie. For those of you who are new, you probably missed where someone asked what an irrational fear of mine is.  Which happens to be Zombies!!  And this sounded like fun to write! Hope you enjoy!

(P.S I also tried to leave the character vague, just so it’s still reader insert friendly) (P.P.S  And before anyone asks, yes. This is really how I react to people dressed up realistically as the Undead. I do not do well at Halloween festivals)

Even after showering I felt greasy from work. But I was too exhausted to try and wash it off again. I changed quickly, but rather sluggishly, into my sleepwear before stumbling to my bed and curling up under the covers. It was a great relief to be off my feet after an entire day of running around at work. I sighed heavily and scooped up my phone to check for any messages. There were a few from Anti; asking if I was home or if I was able to come by for a visit. I replied that I  was indeed home but far too tired to have any sort of social interaction for at least 12 hours. Anti replied almost instantly with a frowny face, but gave no other answer. I sighed and rolled onto my stomach to cuddle my pillow. Closing my eyes just as I heard a loud thump in my living room. Grumbling, but not moving to go investigate, I lifted my head and yelled angrily. “Piss off, Anti. I said I’m too tired!” There came no answer, only another thump and the sound of my coffee table being push a little. Muttering irritably, I forced myself to roll out of bed and go confront the goddamn intruder. “Honestly, do you never use the…door….” I stopped in my tracks as I entered the lounge-room. A man stood in the center. Swaying gently, as if drunk. With his head bowed I could only see the fluff of purple hair atop his head. “Um, excuse me….. who are you?” I asked, not daring to move closer. But refusing to back down from the intruder. I couldn’t see any broken windows. And I always made sure to check the door twice, once locked. So, how did this guy get in?

At the sound of my voice, the man’s head twitched. As if my voice startled him and he now lifted his head. Slowly, like he couldn’t go any faster. My eyes widened and I felt my blood run cold. This man looked sickly, his skin was grey and looked flaky in places. Eyes were wide and staring, pale like two moons amidst a starless night. And he way his mouth hung open a little, moving in slow chewing motions as he looked at me. He looked like a corpse. “Anti…. this isn’t funny.” It was the only thing I could thing of. It was definitely Anti. Or one of the other Septic-Egos. It had Jack’s face, but the hair and eyes were too different. Anti was also the only one who could pull off the dead-gaze stare. It unnerved me when he wasn’t moaning and acting funny. But now, with the pale make-up and stained shirt, I was beginning to shake. I took one step back and the creature growled, the sound froze my movements. “Anti this isn’t fucking funny. Stop it.” I hissed, trying to hide the growing fear in my chest with anger. “I told you to use the door when coming in here!” My voice cracked and something about it made the man’s head twitch again. He started moving forward, more of a stumble then a step. And I was already running as the man started to shuffle faster. His growls and shrieks followed me throughout the house. The man chased after me, slamming into the door I closed to protect myself. I pressed myself against it. Feeling his weight against the door as his nails scratched and clawed at the wood. “Go away!” I screamed. My bare-feet were slipping on the smooth floor, and the walking corpse managed to force an arm between the door as it slowly pushed it open. I looked around for something to defend myself with. Or some sort of escape route. I had run into my bedroom. The one place I didn’t have anything heavy that I could lift. The window was closed and I’d be eaten before I even manged to open the thing. Suddenly, the door was pushed open by a greater force and I was thrown back into the room. The Zombie scrambled into the room, his pale hands reaching for me as I crawled into the corner of the room. My arms flew up to protect myself, my body freezing as I felt his cold breath wash over me. The scream that flew from my lungs was loud enough to make my throat hurt, and my whole body began to shake from breathless cries. “Whoa, Anti you said she’d only be a little scared.” A slow, drawl like voice spoke. “She’s cryin’.” I couldn’t unwind my arms from my head. The tears flowed like rivers and I couldn’t stop the trembling that rocked through my body. A sharp, echoing laugh filled the room as someone entered from the doorway. It was a familiar sound, but it didn’t calm me. Only made feel worse as the cackling continued. “Oh my God, look at her! She shakin’ like a leaf in autumn!” Anti’s voice crackled loudly as he leaned against the wall. Slapping his stomach as he laughed. “Oh blimey! Ya, did good, Robbie. Don’t worry she’ll be fine.” “Fine?” The man, Robbie, said doubtfully. “Look at her, Anti. She’s terrified.” Anti giggled and nodded. “She reacted better than I hoped too. But I suppose childhood trauma would give that reaction.” I sniffled and forced my head to lift. My eyes went straight to the man standing nearest to me. He looked exactly like the Zombie, but his eyes were a normal color and their was a spark of emotion in his gaze. “T-This was a joke?” I asked through a sniffle. “Anti y-you fuck.” Anti giggled and pushed off from the wall to crouch in front of me. “Aww, don’t worry lass. Robbie here isn’t gonna hurt ya. He’s harmless as long as yer feed him.”

I shook my head, breathing deeply to try and calm my racing heart. My chest was tight and it was difficult to breathe at some points. Robbie felt horrible. Anti had explained I was easily scared, but not the type to cry or scream too loudly. But seeing me all curled up, trying to breath and looking as if I had just walked through Hell, made his vision cloud over a little with anger. He had refused to do this at first. Robbie wanted to meet me normally. The next time I came around to visit his brothers. But instead Anti had made Robbie look like a monster. And he didn’t very much like how much it upset me. “Jeez, lass, get over it. It’s just a prank. Zombies aren’t real ya knob, except this one of course… Hey Rob what’s your deal?” Anti asked as he turned to gesture at Robbie. I looked past Anti to look at the new guy. His eyes had turned back to their pale color, but they weren’t dead like before. They were glowing, eyebrows furrowed in an expression of anger. “Hey now, Rob, calm down.” Anti tried. But the Zombie was already racing forward. I yelped as the two clashed, Robbie’s claw like fingers dug into Anti’s shirt as he lifted him up and threw him over the bed. Anti crashed into the wall and was in his feet in an instant. “What the hell, man? What’s your problem?” Anti exclaimed. “She’s fucking fine, ok!” Robbie ignored him and charged forward. Anti ducked his swipe and ran for the open door of the bedroom. The two sprinted through the house until Anti found an open window and leapt through it. Robbie came to a stop by the opening and growled at Anti as he backed away from the house. “Alright, alright! I apologize to her. Just don’t bite me.” Anti snapped, his hands raised and crackling with green energy. “Go….away.” Robbie snarled. His teeth making a loud chomp sound when he spoke. Anti glared but disappeared in a bright flash of green light. Robbie waited by the window, expecting the other man to come back. But after a few minutes, he was satisfied there would be no return. Robbie slowly made his way back to my room. Having not moved the entire time, it wasn’t hard to find me again. I had buried my face in my hands, counting to ten and breathing deeply with each number. Robbie looked around my room and smiled when he found something he could give as a peace offering.