#selfcontemplate

i've never had any close friend since elementary school. yes i had lots of friends. but that's it. not even one is too close. i wonder i might distance myself from them unconsciously, but i never know why. once i had a (almost) close friend, but to be his friend i had to lie (in the end i told the truth and apologized). but years after, not that close anymore. people would see me like i am an extrovert person, but actually a shut-in inside. if i remember correctly (my memories often jumbled), i've never shared any of my thinking to anyone. i think it might be too complex, since i'm not really good at putting some abstract thing into words.

so i keep it to myself, even sometimes i talk to myself. maybe i was too scared. maybe i was too cautious. i don't know. maybe i was too melancholic. maybe i was too complex. maybe i was too naive. maybe i was too dense.

by the time i grow up, i unconsiously often told myself that i'm in the wrong. i was always the wrong one. and now i still have that mindset. i personally think everyone has to have some contemplating moment like that or else they will start pointing others when mistakes happened. but once you get used to it, becomes hard to get out and by the time you realized it is burdening yourself, it's too late. one thing to save you from this mindset is, you need someone to say, "no, it's not yours. it's my fault. sorry."

back to the first point. not even my ex-gf get really close so i could tell her what's really on my mind. she doesn't have much time, as she was  busy taking care of her unit (and now she left it for sth better, possibly) and i'm busy with some seminar organizing things. sometimes i tell my mom, but not all. some things are better stays secret. so yeah, i barely tell anyone what happened in my grey cells. i would like to, but knowing all of you are too busy with your own lives, i guess i shouldn't weigh you with my musings.