#self reflection.

but that doesn't stop me from wanting to have more connections with people. It doesn't stop me from want to have people, whom I can go to a bar with just to have a drink and talk about everything. I want to have people, who we get together with and just go out and get lost in the forest that make my cities, streets, and state. I want to feel like I belong with others, and not that I'm and outsider that might have them individual but not collectivly, because the moment we all get together, that's when I might as well be invisible.

I know I have a voice and I know I use it. I love that I can have intense, wonderfully intellectual or just bullshitting conversation with a person,(maybe too), but I hate that the moment we get in a group, I feel like i might close off. I don't know what to say, I feel that my voice losses value. I love to listen and hear what everyone has to say, but it makes me feel like I don't. 

I'm tired of putting some effort in meeting others, in trying to form friendship. Because for most of the time, rejection has come, and distance makes way for broken ends that are loose. I'm tired that most of the time, I'm the one trying to stop them from doing so. And all that does is make me think, that maybe, just maybe there is something not quiet right of me. Maybe I'm not wanted enough, to be kept as someones part of their life. 

So yeah I might suck as keeping contact, but why do I have to be the one that tries to keep the contact? Why does it feel like no one ever tires to keep contact with me?

It sucks because I straight up say I don't want to be anyone but me. And I never try to present myself as anything but myself. And I live under the impression, you know what if people don't like what they see, fuck them, I don't need them, those who matter will come and it will be glorious. And yet I meet wonderful people, and they leave and time passes and I still only have those I started with, and those i started with have others, but I only have them. and I can't help but think, all that it will do is just leave me by myself one day.