#scriptuurient

A year ago, around this time, my life was kind of in shambles and I wasn’t okay. I was hanging onto the wrong people — Person. A mistake. 

A year ago, my mother tried to kill my father. 

A year ago, that person tore apart my progress, my writing, my art and my mental health. They tore me apart, and i didn’t realize it. or maybe i did, but feeling loved is uh. Rare for me. 

A bad time really, all around. 

But almost a year ago, got a month to go, I met an amazing person. I met my friend Lucas. Now you may be asking, why’s this important? 

Other than he’s really important to me, it’s probably one of the most important moments of my life. 

A list of Reasons Why I love Lucas & Why he’s so Important to me: 

1. i think like him being in my life is not just extremely important because i love him?? but because like the friendship we’ve had has helped me really sort of feel loved by everyone who does love me. I know it probably sounds weird, and maybe it’s cruel. But i relied really heavily on someone praising me and having some love for me more than what my friends could offer. Because that was, and sometimes still is, the ideology drilled in my head. But being friends with him has slowly really helped me moved passed that. Like bein friends with him was literally like, here’s this light in your life. But here’s the other’s who have been there the whole time. and that’s EXTREMELY important to realize when you’re dealing with traumas and depression. 

I know i still struggle with a LOT but i am aware that i’m not completely alone because this one fckn person scrambled over all the stupid walls and p much metaphorically gave me a hug and told me i mattered to him. 

It was like. he hugged me and i Felt it. For once. 

Which sounds so cold to me every time i think about it. How little i’ve really felt the love of my friends and people who care about me. Legitimately it’s the worst. But it’s not that way now. It’s not that way now. and I refuse to go back to that. 

2. It’s this same feeling of feeling that importance to everyone, but on a smaller scale.  Because I tend to ramble a lot I tend to over express myself and it takes a lot for me to not fckn feel like shit afterwards. And this is something i’ll struggle with for awhile. But like, Lucas also rambles to me and talks to me and vents and it’s. Good. It feels so balanced and easy most of the time. Granted, we’ll still apologize to each other but it’s more instinct for me than actually really feeling it (most of the time.) 

It’s the small, ‘it’s okay! i don’t mind’ & ‘no it’s okay! i appreciate it.’  and continuing the ramblings that really helps. and god im crying about it right now christ. but it’s that important to me honestly. it means so much to hear that it’s okay. that’ i’m okay more importantly. It’s like shushing that part of my brain that goes into a full blown panic for rambling that makes him so ?? so good for me. 

3. For almost a Year we’ve talked nearly every day. I mean like literally we have talked every day. Even if it was a brief ‘hey i love you’ because of whatever reason. But we’ve literally talked so much. It’s so consistent and comfortable. And I’m honestly really excited to talk with him verbally?? Because god it’ll be so good for me. because like       a.) socializing verbally is not a good skill of mine       b.) i wanna talk to him like all the time        c.) i can get use to talking with him verbally and feel at ease which helps with see a. 

  But like honestly that’s been the best part, ya know? Feeling like this is just part of my day to day. That it’s something good and like, we don’t have to talk all the time?? and that’s so good lmao. It’s so good. Good on my soul and my fucking psyche. God i love it. 

Like I love talking to him??? I love talking about oc’s and ships and random shit!! i love talking about gender stuff and life stuff!! i love when he talks about rocks and minerals and space!! i love when he rambles to me about things he loves!! and i know this ties into 2. but its so important to point this part out on its own okay. I love!!! i LOVEEEEE when he talks to me about everything!!! i love feeling that he trusts me to vent to me and i love feeling that he wants me to know things about his life!! i love when we talk about what we’re going to do when we hang out because, pOINTS AT 1!!! It feels so good!!! it feels so good to feel included in his life and it feels so good to know and talk about how he wants MEEEE in his LIFEEEE!!!! that’s so amazing y’all it’s so good it feels so good helps when i get fucked up!

4. i’m a big gay?

Is that a good reason. 

this is all really gay. 

But i mean honestly it’s so good to feel okay to feel this gay?? Like all of these tie into each other, honestly. But I love feeling gay, and okay for it. I know what does this have to deal with my boy? Well you see... My love and care for him... It’s gay. Gay as heck. 

I wanna pick him up like a suitcase. 

I wanna carry him when he’s tired. 

I wanna help him learn handy dandy skills. 

I wanna be there for him as long as i can, and as long as he wants me here.

i wanna carry him down the street in fuck boy outfits together so he can be like ‘MOVE, WE’RE GAY’ 

I wanna look at the stars, and then at him while he rambles about them, and be like ‘wow you’re gay for space’ so he can, in turn, be like ‘oh no you found me out....’ and i can smooch his fucking forehead and call him a big nerd

i wanna be able to wake up to him curled up on me because i am a fckn personal heater 

I want all of this because I love him, and i think he deserves so much and i want to help get him all of it. I want to help him reach these goals and dreams because I love him so much and he’s my best fucking friend. 

So it’s SUPER gay. 

5. Every time i think about how much i want to be there for him gives me another quarter in the game of life y’all. It puts fucking money in the slot to keep me going. It is a goddamn lifeline that has helped me grab onto a life i want to live. 

Like. 

If i didn’t have him? I wouldn’t fucking see shit the same. I wouldn’t feel loved by my friends. I wouldn’t have this progress in getting better. I wouldn’t be looking at places in denver for myself, and wanting to plan out a life i wanna live. I wouldn’t be trying with nearly the same amount of want or need to live. I’d be existing, and drifting. It wouldn’t be the same 

and you might be like, aeron that’s absurd. that’s a lil much.

But no. it’s really not it’s REALLY not. I cannot imagine myself without this friendship because it has helped me so much. Do you know what it’s like to look forward to talking to someone as soon as you wake up? Like literally, I don’t know if he sees me post something or what. but every day he sends me a message almost exactly when i get up. and it feels good having this.

if i didn’t have him there to help me out when others, by no fault of their own, couldn’t? i literally don’t think I’d be here as well as i am. Maybe i’m exaggerating because i don’t know. Maybe I’m letting my emotions have this too much but i don’t care!!! I don’t!! I don’t know what my life would be like without him, but i can tell you this right now: I would not be me  and I would not have felt the same. I would not be feeling things as well. & I really don’t want to know at all what it’d be like without him in my life.

people forget how important that little push is. It literally takes one person to kick start a bit of your brain. One person to pull out a twist in the cables. One person to help you to your feet and give you understanding of things. To help you know that this is what something’s like.

so. 

I love Lucas. I love him. I love him and i am proud of him. I am so proud of you honey. I am so excited to see you grow and learn. I’m so excited to see you live, live show edition: Lucas watches spooky shit at 2am and we eat starbursts by the handfuls. 

I’m so happy I know you. I’m so happy you let me in your life, luke. like god I’m. 

Im gay and i’m happy and i’m so excited to see you grow and just!! all of it!!! you’re so wonderful and i’m gonna be here for you, okay? Whole way. In this together & not leaving anytime soon. 

& i apologize if this was a lot or stepped too much?? lemme know okay?