#schizophrenic!reader

The near constantly sound of overlapping gibberish, degrading words, and absolute nonsense had been nagging you to no end since the very moment you opened your eyes this morning. As if thats really been any different from the past couple years of your life, but today was particularly frustrating.

You couldnt do a single thing without your brain yelling at you to either do the opposite or just calling you stupid.

This morning, just fixing a cup off coffee you were bombarded with We hate you. Posion. Dont drink! Out to get you! Take your meds. Dont do that! Stupid! soooo stupid. chechechecheSOMETHINGS WRONGchechechet.

No matter how much you fought those dumb voices you couldnt bring yourself to drink it. That smells awful, dont drink that coffee. After all, it might be poisoned. Youre a waste of time.

No matter how acquainted you get with those three haunting voices, you can never stop listening to them. You cant not believe them if theyre right in your head all the time. Youre beyond grateful to have someone so understanding and patient with you. Shut up. He knows about you. He would never stay with you. Having problems himself, he can always tell when youre too overwhelmed or when you suddenly feel unsafe in your own body.

Hide away. Hide away. Stupid! Stupid!

You really thought today would be different?

Look at you. Crying over nothing!

Go ahead. Make him clean up after you again.

Disgusting

Dont touch yourself. Stop it. Stop it now!

"(Name)? Why are you in the corner? 's evwrything okay?" Lars appeared in the doorway. You hadnt even noticed he'd came home. "Why are you sitting here in the dark?" His voice was low and soft. He was calm but his voice was definitely filled with worry. He knew panic was the last thing you needed on days like these though so he pushed that away until you can calm down.

Hes pretending.

You tug at your sleeves, trying to find the words but you dont even know where to begin. If you start talking, you might start crying. You cant cry in front of him.

Swallowing the lump in your throat, "Everything... everything 's so m-much. I dont really know whats wrong." You begin, stuttering and talking as quietly as you can. You should stop talking.

"Im sorry," you start again. Worried that this is the last thing Lars wanted to deal with after work.

Look how patient hes pretening to be.

Embarrassing.

"Dont say sorry. Its okay, hon," Lars smiles, flicking the light switch on as begins to pull at the hem of his sweater. He tosses his sweater over the end of the bed frame before taking a seat. "Will you sit up here with me?" He pats the space next to him.

He doesnt love you. Youre pathetic. Hes just pretending.

"No, thats not true." You swallow thickly.

"Hm?"

"Sorry... you asked me something." Nobody has to say they hate you. You stare at your legs. Not wanting to meet lars' gaze.

You can already tell.

"I asked if you wanted to sit with me." Lars explains patiently.

"Okay. Okay... just dont let them get louder." You push yourself off your place on the floor with trembling, uncertain movements. Even after the couple times Lars has comforted you during these episodes, you never know if you're allowed to trust him the next. You never know if this time the voices will be right.

"Of course. You know im right here with you," His lips curl into a small, candid smile.

"I know," Liar. "...just." smileee "stop talking." You sniffle.

"Whos talking?" Smile harder.

"Not you. Im so sorry... them. They wont shut up. It hurts. It hurts so bad. Why wont they stop?" You hyperventilate, tears forming in the corners of your eyes.

Apologizing again? Again again again?

Im tired of you.

"Okay okay... its okay. Dagmar told me that its really overwhelming and real..." Lars begins. Anxious that if you cant seem to calm down it could lead to more agitation or confusion. He squeezes his eyes shut, wanting to be oh so careful with how he goes about this. Dont. "Can I hold your hands?" Lars' voice is so low and soothing over the pleaging ones.

Dont let him touch you.

Cautiously, you nod. You trust him. At least you think you do even if they tell you not to.

Watch his face. There. You saw it.

Lars takes your hands in his. Just letting them rest on top of his. Your breath quickens. What theyre telling you and what he is telling you just confusing you beyond end. Hes counting down the minutes until he leaves.

You begin to sob, tears spilling down your cheeks. You want to pull away. To hide away from him but at the same time you want him to stay with you and never stop talking.

Watching the exact moment your defense crumbled sent a wave of helpless pity through him. He just wants to wrap his arms around her and squeeze every awful thought away.

The voices dont dissappear. Or suddenly become quiet. But Lars is still there. Sitting against the headboard, gently combing his fingers through your hair, careful not to bombard you with questions or tell you its not real and to deal with it.

"Did you take your medicine this morning, Lovebug?" He whispers. You shake your head, tucked into his shirt. "I... forgot," stupid. You ruin everything you touch.

...he'll leave...

The voices begin. But this time its not as sharp or loud.

He nods, without any disappointment. "Thats okay too," he leans down, holding your head gently between his hands. Pressing a kiss to your hair and smoothing a strand of hair behind your ear.

The words are softer now, almost drowned out by the rhythm of his breathing.

You don't know when your eyes finally close.

Lars' fingers continue to move through your hair in slow, even strokes.

"We'll make sure you take it tomorrow morning. We'll get you back on track!"