#scentedboredom

Music Asks

19: A song that makes you think about life

Hey Kayleigh, 

It's been a while, wild that we did the same thing we always do, right?

There's so many drafts on tumblr, on my phone, and in my notes and notebooks from trying to start something to say to you and.. it’s a lot. So maybe you'll read it, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll reply, maybe you won't. But I need to get this all out to better progress myself, since I feel like something was left unfinished and unsaid between us, and it's been weighing on me.

I feel like I haven't gotten to where you wanted me to be, and it's hard to write this knowing that I can't say more than "I go to therapy now and slightly hang out with friends more often." But I'm hoping what I'm writing here will help you put pieces together, as I'm still trying to do. I also hope we can at least aim for being friends, perhaps more in the future, but I know that's maybe not a great idea and I'm not quite sure if I would want it either. It does still tempt me though, the life we wanted to create for ourselves. Anyways, this WILL be messy. I apologize if it's overwhelming, casts too much blame, or sounds self-pitying. But please recognize that I was and am still struggling with depression, and I take responsibility for the decisions and choices that I made, I stand by most of what I did given my circumstances. Were there things I would've done differently? Absolutely. But if I'm honest with myself, I really don't think I was capable of doing much more than I did at the time. I gave it my best. A lot of things may have sounded like excuses to you, but they weren't to me. I do understand how it appeared though.

Either way, I think we did/do care about each other to some higher regard. And I've said this many times now, we were put in each other's lives for a reason. After this long it's not a coincidence, it might not be fate or destiny, it might not be romantic or even platonic, but it's here. Literally "the love was there, It didn't save anyone or change anything, but it's there." Lmao. And I recognize you were wanting me to do better for myself and that a lot of it came out of frustration and tough-love. I appreciate that. It's not what I needed though.

A lot of this is copied from other drafts. I'll try to "polish it up", but ultimately I want to get everything out. Like I said, my apologies if you do care to read it. 

Not sure where to start, so let's just dive in: I hadn't felt loved by you in a long time before lil man died when I was visiting you in july and you made up that silly thing where you take a bite of my food. It made me feel a little better, but it was only for a few days at that point, then it was back to me not shutting the car door correctly and you wanting to take me to the airport early during a hurricane.

I was always wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. While yes, I did do some things incorrectly or in a rush/panic, a lot of the time the rage that you showed towards me was uncalled for, multiple factors needed to be weighed and examined for everything. I was already struggling with my work/life and you were constantly making it worse by breaking up with me, telling me I wasn't doing enough, ignoring good things I did do, ignoring whenever I suggested something i thought might help the relationship and us communicate or understand each other better, generally improve as a unit.

Like because I wasn't in therapy I wasn't valid in anything I was saying. So I just shut up and started internalizing everything you were telling me. Looking back on it this was obviously impacting my mental health quite a bit, but at the time I didn't realize it was, or that it was this bad at least. I was probably dissociating (if that means not processing traumatic events, having chunks of memory disappear, and becoming less like myself), since January or February. Began losing a lot of confidence and motivation here too.

Ive been reflecting a lot about everything, and i finally know what you meant by “I’ve done the work”. I had that at some point, but i don’t think that i fully recovered myself from the last few years of trauma. Definitely avoided some parts of it. Let myself go, stopped caring about myself, the bare minimum of self respect. I truly did (still working on it) think that my words didn’t matter to anyone. Closed myself off from people because my brain just couldn’t function normally enough to converse. I know had friends and good mental health, even a year ago, i was even coaching less confident people than myself. Losing austin, inadvertently failing a relationship, and not doing great in my new role slowly wore me down when i wasn’t that resilient anymore to process it.

While we're on the topic here, the same day you told me we need to go on a break until I go to therapy, right before you said that, I had scheduled my first appointment that I actually did go to.

I remember that week I was at training in cleveland and I was trying to find someone on talkspace to talk to before that upcoming saturday (first appointment) just so I could talk to you sooner. I missed you for so long after that day. I was going to talk to you after my first appointment, I had waited all week to do so. Then I just kept thinking about how you said that me going to therapy twice "wasn't going to therapy".. so I was waiting until the 2nd or 3rd appointment to contact you. But I didn't want to ruin your birthday a second year in a row, so talking to you after the 3rd appointment on the 12th wasn't a good idea either. And there was so much I was excited to tell you about too. But to be honest, no matter how much I missed you and wanted to finally talk to you again, I wasn't ready. Not really sure if i am now. I've gone every saturday since then, except twice. But why did you never reach out either? Why was everything on me? Even if it was just to see that I didn't go and that you were right. I told you I was going to go, I told you I wanted to go. Just like I told you I would get to Texas. Sidenote: I wish I would've spent more time looking into insurance, and maybe I could have, but I signed up for my work insurance basically right after I visited you in july. This was a mistake. I'm basically uninsured at this point because they barely pay for anything. But I was doing my best, and the quickest route to therapy was the closest and easiest insurance to get into. So basically the entire time I was worried about finding the right therapist and what they would actually pay for, I could've just returned to the same people I was going to back in february/march and it probably would've been the same price. I do like my new therapist now, even if it is costing me $85 per session. But that's what I was worried about, I was worried I would put myself thru rushed choices trying to please you instead of just handling it how I needed to handle it best for myself. And I GET THAT YOU ASKED FOR A YEAR, but I DID GO, and you chose to ignore that I went twice before I started visiting you every other month, and then lost my insurance in June. Should I have told you I hadn't been going? Yes, it was important to you. I'm sorry about that.  But again, to me I never stopped going. I was settling into my new role, and waiting for my chaos to die down. I really did intend on going back. You made me feel like my efforts, no matter how big or small they were, weren't REAL.

And you might not think so but working 48hrs per week is a lot different than 40hrs. Up until June I didn’t have a third key holder either, that means i was working even more than 48hrs, and didn’t have a consistent schedule. AND I WAS DOING IT ALL WITHOUT GIVING ANYONE OVERTIME BECAUSE MY COMPANY SUCKS. SO THE WEEK OR TWO LEADING UP TO SEE YOU EVERY TIME? IT WAS A LOT OF ME WORKING BY MYSELF TO ACCOMODATE. That's a lot of work, and to try to squeeze anything in like therapy or friends was not something I was capable of at that point. It was a very draining time throughout the course of spring.

And you thought the relationship couldn’t last without seeing each other in person regularly. I planned and funded those trips. I tried, and I made it happen for the most part. Visiting you was a lot of (vacation) time and money spent when it could've been used getting my shit together, and i feel like you never took into consideration the impact it was playing. To clarify, I did enjoy every moment I was with you, even if we had some scary bad ones. I wouldn't change that. But If you “weren’t going to ask me to move out there” does that mean the love you had for me stopped at that point? Way back then? Was I so stupid about that? Was what I did all for nothing? You said you loved me first, you wanted the relationship first. You wanted to move here, then you didn't. I didn’t ask you to move out here either, I didn’t want to take you away from your friends or family. I fell in love with you, so the obvious next step was me moving out there to be with you. I had no reason not to believe that you loved me at this point, but looking back on it, you did a lot of things I would never do. You told me I needed to move out to Texas by February… were you just gonna break up with me? If I wasn't? (I was certainly trying, and I even got more information on it when I was in cleveland last.) Do you think that helped? It felt like a timer was counting down the seconds until you were done with me. It sure didn't make me feel loved or secure; just anxious, and stressed. Ticking away every second. Just thinking about that feeling makes my stomach churn. 

You made everything an obstacle for me; My mother, therapy, friends, my car, moving to Texas "on time", even visiting you. While yes, I have some baggage, it wasn’t yours to throw around. I knew what needed to happen to get there, you were adding panic to the mix. I tried to tell you things I didn't like or how something made me feel and it was always turned back onto me about you not being able to express yourself without the fear of upsetting me. It would have been like a never-ending cycle if one of us didn't give in. I didn't know it at the time but I felt disregarded at every step, like I had to do everything your way or you wouldn't love me.

(Which btw you kept mentioning red flags and.. you do realize I had my own for you too, right?)

If we both truly wanted the same outcome, why does it matter how we get there or how fast it goes? If the love of my life told me to give them some time to accomplish that, I would be so happy that MY person was actually trying to claw their way out to get to me. That someone saw me as a place to flee, a great lifestyle to absorb into, a family when theirs is gone. I wouldn’t make it harder for them to do so. 

I trusted that you were doing what you needed to do in order for us to make a life together, I truly don’t remember ever questioning anything you did, correct me if I'm wrong. You had bad spending habits on food, concerts, etc. I never said anything about that, but I trusted you to figure it out, and overtime I think you were making a good effort there. And you knew some of the problem with our constant fighting was due to your pms/pmdd issues, you acknowledged it multiple times. You weren’t actively doing anything with that, not that I told you to or even wanted you to. That's all your business.  And your car scared the shit out of me on multiple occasions.

Remember when you forgot for the nth time to play a game with me after we had scheduled it? And I hadn't confronted you up until then about how it made me feel. And it made you feel like complete and utter shit? (Not what i was going for, but it happened that way) That's exactly how I felt the majority of the time. Always sorry, anxious, wanting your immediate validation. The only difference was that I understood why you would forget. 

Remember when the floor at my work was getting waxed and I had to stay there for 5 hours past close, and I asked you to hang out with me on cam? Have a little date night? You left pretty early into it to go hang out with a friend and watch TV. You left me by myself with two old crusty dudes for 4 hours and I felt really alone and uncared for. We scheduled it, and it was important to me to have someone there. Where was the partnership? Ride or die?

And this is a small thing given the matter at hand, but do you truly think screaming in my ear “what are you DOING?!!” over and over again during a timed, intense moment in it takes two helped the situation that time? Did it help me play better? Did it help anything? I may not have been responding to you, but I was concentrating on the game trying to accomplish the task. You were focused on how I was doing my role, and If I was doing it how you would. 

Breaking up with me over TOONTOWN?

Saying you're better than me because of your education? My job, where, not only do they train about design, how color makes you feel, complimentary colors, etc; I have 8 years experience of physically matching colors using ten different colorants that all have different qualities and weights to them. Not to mention having to mentally "switch" between quarts, gallons, and five gallon buckets during matching ratio wise. You only have so much room in a container to work with, and they're costly if you mess up a lot of gallons. Deep Gold kills New Red in a salmon way, but kills Red Oxide in a brown way. You need a lot of Deep Gold to kill those, but New Green does it with 4/5ths less colorant, but it "muddies" the color. TONS of people have been so appreciative of me for hearing them and taking their existing fixtures/colors into consideration after I've helped them with their colors. I've had professional designers, and even graphic designers thank me and give me kudos! This is just the very tip of the iceberg here. But not even close? Miles away? Really?? At least be kind and lie to me if you think that little of me.

Straight up bullied me for “baby/caveman” talk, which was literally just me being me, silly, awkward, me. I literally had no idea what you were talking about in the beginning of this, until you elaborated further, I was blindsided whenever you would accuse me of "baby talk". Girl, I definitely don't "baby talk" but I will admit to lazily texting and using poor grammar. And I was just supposed to KNOW when and how to be silly, or generally just know the specific way to talk to you in that moment, via long distance, over text? 

Multiple times when I was in Texas, I felt unsafe/not very secure. Like maybe you would get mad and leave me on the side of the road or at a buccees, or at a rest stop because my "bladder is too small." 

Remember when you had read back our text messages over the past idk 10 years and you actually cared that you treated me badly back then? In hindsight I should've known better. You were literally telling me you treated me badly on several occasions and trying to convince me not to date you. Guess I didn't listen to you in the beginning either. Guess that's my fault too.

You kept saying that i wasn’t “what you signed up for” anymore, well i sure wasn’t aware of what i was signing up for either, if it makes you feel better.

That "fantasy" that you think I had, wasn't me ignoring the problems. I knew they were there. I just wanted to face them with you, not on my own. Why couldn't we be happy and love each other while working on our problems at the same time? You kept saying you loved me, but your words weren't matching your actions either. 

But you didn't trust me when I was making an effort? I tried to do everything you asked and more. I even bought an iPhone, which might be the worst choice I've made this entire time. 

This isn't even everything, but I think I've gotten most of it out. It helped. I'm writing the rest right now (11/26) before I send this to you, and at this point it's taken me two weeks, going on three, to put this all into words.

Maybe this was all tough love, or how you choose to show affection, but like I said earlier, I know now that it's not what I needed. What I needed was someone who would be a partner to me, a ride or die. Add value. Fan the fire, not kick dirt on it. If you're going to put me down, even constructively, make sure the love you show outweighs criticism. I do hope you've read this far, and I hope something I've written helps to understand why I did what I did. However, I do think we'll meet again someday if I'm being honest, and it would suck if we didn't, but I would understand. I do miss you though, there hasn't been a day without you in my thoughts. I just.. couldn't bring myself to reach out. Maybe you couldn't either.

Maybe i should’ve kept this all inside without posting it to you, but i’m going with it. Text me if you ever want to again, or if you need me. Take your time with it. I've seen your tumblr since we've departed, I know you've seen mine. We're allowed to feel our feelings how we need to, and we needed to process and heal. That's okay.

P. S I really hope you were kind to Wall-E, they don't deserve to be burned or smashed. They deserve a home with love and color in it.

Damn kayleigh I wasn't prepared for this at all idk what I was thinking

3. There's lots I could pick but going back to my childhood I'm thinking No Doubt - Hey Baby :-)

6. I'll do the drunk aunt at a wedding dance to most songs but Pogo - Jaaam is a goodie

9. Lots but currently Mac Demarco - One Another

12. #triggered but I thought I was special bc I liked Janis Joplin songs back then

15. I REally love the Build me up Buttercup that Tyler from 21p sang in a video once

aaaayyy

u will get there friend i downloaded it yesterday and its gr8

you can definitely blame me i think i got worse the second day i am so sorry