#scareddad

Why is it, in times of worry our minds go to the worst possible situation. Why is it, when we need comfort and sound thought the most, our minds become the worst friend, and the best horror screen writer.

I realize it’s our bodies way of keeping us out of harm. An instinctual process that has kept us out of dark caves and alleys for generations. “Imagine what that bear would do to you if you went in there.”

I can’t see myself being the only one who goes into every little gory detail if I’m left to think about it long enough. People who think like that may be few and far between, but I’m sure there’s plenty of us out there.

Today’s thought process has nothing to do with caves, or alleys. It has nothing to do with physical harm coming to myself either. Worse than that; my 4 year old daughter is having minor dental surgery this morning.

I had to hold her down while she kicked and screamed as the doctor held the mask on her face. As she slowly stopped fighting her breaths were still laboured. The doctor, seemingly to me rushed us out. I stood up to have her arm fall limb off the dentist chair.

“She’s just asleep, she’ll be fine.” They all re-assured me. “This is all normal.”

“I’m sure you say that to every parent as you rush them out, unable to say goodbye or confirm the well-being of their child..”

Of course I didn’t actually say that. I couldn’t say anything. For the next twenty minutes if I tried to say anything the only thing to come out was a sob followed by tears.

I can’t let that happen. I’m a big strong man. I have to be. I’m a dad. I’ll cry later, when I’m by myself. For now I’ll compartmentalize all this and be strong-nope couple tears just rolled out.

I keep seeing my daughters throat caving and expending as she’s coming down from screaming, now sleeping.

“She’s just sleeping, Craig” I tell myself..

“But did you see her arm fall?”

“It was totally lifeless!” “That’s my little girl!” “My daughter! My—

They’re calling me back up.. my mind will rest easy as soon as I get to see her again..