I’m desperately lonely but I want to be alone. Because I don’t want to mask. Also, because despite people telling me I don’t have to be, it is violently difficult for me to not feel responsible for how people in my orbit are feeling. No one ever questions it, just assumes I’m stupid or whatever, and they don’t realize that if I am not attuned to and actively monitoring others’ behavior and feelings I don’t feel safe. I have to keep it together so the world can’t rip me apart. And it’s exhausting.

Did I fall asleep?

No.

My body was twitching, thoughts racing, heart aching. Despite the very chill environment I created with kitty snuggles and calm music, I remained awake for nearly 3 hours.

It's me again, screaming into the void.

How am I? Well...

I am a few days away from being in credit card debt for the first time since 2003. This month, I also had to delay paying my rent and my energy bill for the first time since 2000/2001. I was in college working part-time as a waitress the last time anything like this happened. I even made it out of my divorce without going into debt.

Back in May, I stopped receiving Medicaid for my health insurance. Now I pay for employer-sponsored insurance. I went from maybe $5 in prescription copays each month to $627 per month coming out of my paychecks to pay for insurance deductibles, premiums and copays. I'm guessing this is the bulk of my financial problems. Before this, I had a few grand in savings. Now I can barely pay my bills. I think next year I'll just not get health insurance and hope for the best. That gives me all spring to wean off the medications that are keeping me alive. And then we'll just hope that these lifelong conditions that have recently been greatly and often life-threateningly exacerbated by perimenopause just get better on their own. 👍

What else?

Well, there's the state of the world and living on a dying planet. But you know about all of that.

Earlier this year, another romantic partner of mine moved to another state. We used to talk almost every day and see each other about once a week. Now we talk like once a month.

And my other romantic partner (that's 3, for those keeping count) just doesn't seem that interested in me, especially now that football has started.

Anyway, yeah. I need to get my shit together. But what does that even look like?

Part of me wants to buy a one-room schoolhouse in the middle of a few acres of nothing and just live there alone. That would be the easiest solution to everything. How can a partner let you down if you don't have one, right?

I also know that I'd hate living alone and I'd probably go insane talking to myself and the trees and the moon. Which might just be my true form. I'd make a fine Forest Hag or Queen of the Squirrels.

But everything breaks my heart. Romantic partners break my heart because I don't know how to communicate my needs or even what my needs are. The world breaks my heart with its instability, wars, violence, cruelty, indifference and environmental destruction. And I break my own heart by betraying myself over and over without knowing how or why.

I love August because it’s when the yellowest flowers bloom! 🌼

but I can’t be late for the golf course work event!

The climate is dying

ecosystems in tatters

but my boss is like, “come to the golf course!

“I thought you loved the outdoors?”

Yeah, when there’s not wildlife smoke

and when the birds have bugs to eat

Sometimes I don't realize how much I miss you until the sight of an address reminds me of a time we walked to dinner. And on the way back to the hotel, we saw the lilacs were blooming. The lilacs, first of the year! The lilacs, I recall, in a haze of warm, gentle tears.