#say something

I feel so...I don't know how to describe it, it's like blocks are crowding in my chest, I want to shout out loudly, but it just eases my pain a little bit. Talking or typing in Chinese is not like I am really speaking, they are like I am murmuring or somniloquy. I don't know. Maybe it's because I haven't talked to a real person for so long, I feel...isolated. Meanwhile, the more i being isolated, the harder to step outside this safe and comfort zone to talk to someone or make a new friend. I'm so worried, I'm so afraid. What if awkwardness happened again? What if they judged and betrayed me again? Here in my house, at least everything is steady as normal, safe, comfortable, predictable. I can decide whether to start a project or retreat, I can lie down on my bed to take a rest at anytime I want. No worries of lack of energy----yes, I'm always worried about, anxious about my sudden exhausting will ruin my new relationship to others. How could others accept me and would like to talk to me if I'm always tired and sleepy? I can't even complete a walk when I'm tired. But the eager to talk to some real person still exist. It make me toss and turn, it toss me in some kind of paranoid. I really don't know how to deal with that kind of conflicts. It happens almost everyday. My chest stuck, my throat stuck, and I'm tired and want to cry. I...I really don't know how to do. Why things always so hard like this? For so many times I have encountered this problem, still I get lost and don't know how to ease the pain or solve the conflict. When things goes well, when I'm energetic, everything goes just well, with a lot of progress and surprise; when things not going well, when I feel tired and exhausted, it just keep being like this until...I don't know when.

please, say something (2018), J'San