#sarudalf

"With your love of the halfling's leaf and smoke I did not expect you to remember."

Dear Palantir,

So I think I have come to terms what I have been feeling all these years. I think, and how I can even say this, I don't know, but I think I am in love with Gandalf. I know, it's really strange, but it explains so much. All our bickering, the jealous between us, the mixed signals, everything suddenly makes a whole lot of sense...

... I just wish I knew this before it were too late. Now he's gone...

Hold Me…: Your muse has had a nightmare and comes to cuddle mine for safety.

It is in Rivendell where he first encounters the faint scent of longbottom leaf outside of Hobbiton. Now, he knows that elves are very fond of their plants and ‘natural medicine’ as it were, but Gandalf can recall very few of them with a pipe and he keeps that thought in mind as he follows the smell through the grounds.

The sight of Saruman out of the corner of his eye startles him slightly, but he knows better than to give any reaction besides a turn and a nod of greeting. “Saruman, it is late. What troubles you, my friend?” He asks upon noticing the tired look in the other’s eyes. Gandalf is pleasantly surprised as the white wizard begins to approach him, just a bit calmer now that there are no other eyes on them.

“Visions, Gandalf.” The deep voice rumbles in reply, “Nightmares of shadow and flame. And a knife. I dream of our deaths.”

It was late in the night. The White Council decided it was time to strike the old fortress in an attempt to save Middle Earth from a new dark age. All signs pointed to the Necromancer being Sauron in a new form, a form that would restore his minions. If they could not stop this from happening, the end would surely be upon them soon.

“Gandalf, there is something I wish to tell you.” said the White Wizard to his fellow Istar. A look in the elder wizard’s could show that he held fear. But not fear of failing to drive out the monster from Dol Guldur and send it whence it came. No, the fear was more than that. It was the fear he may never get another chance to tell Gandalf something that he held deeper than any feeling. Istari were forbidden to show affection in displays of passion or to procreate. Saruman placed that rule in effect, to counter any type of breeding of more Istari, for there would come a time when they would all need to depart Middle Earth and return to their life before living among the men of the world.

Gandalf, who was finishing up a conversation with Lord Elrond, quickly turned to Saruman and replied, “Of course my old friend. Anything at all Saruman.” The grey wizard asked to be excused by Lord Elrond and walked over to where Saruman stood, and he could tell whatever his friend had to say, it was important. “What is it, Saruman, does something trouble you so?” Gandalf couldn’t help but ask in a more concerned manner.

Saruman nodded his head, and asked, “Could we please go somewhere, more discreet and… intimate?”

The question confused Gandalf so, but in the spirits of being a good friend, he obliged and the two walked into Gandalf’s chambers which were nearby. As the two wizard sat across from each other, Gandalf on his bed, Saruman in a chair, Gandalf asked, “I see something is the matter, and if you hold on to it, how could I ever hope to help you?”

“As you know Gandalf, I have been the leader of the Istari ever since we came to Middle Earth. I have watched each and every one of us grow into something different… all but you Gandalf. So much do you remind me of your days as Olórin. We all were so young then, and would remain in our youth for thousands of years. And yet we were chosen to live among men and elves as aged forms of mortal men. And this has changed us, but not you Gandalf, you are still the same kind hearted and gentle soul you always were. Pity it was only now and through this we got to know one another.” Saruman remarked to his friend.

“But I do not see that, Saruman. You are still the wisest, and one of the most powerful beings here. You always held power and wisdom, and were always good at handling the burden of both.” Gandalf began his reply to Saruman. He blushed slightly, for compliments did not come often from the White Wizard and it was indeed a very lovely compliment. “I am sue our paths would have crossed at some point, Curumo.”

Upon hearing his former name, he looked up at Gandalf, and peered into his eyes softly, as if to say he was swimming the milky colors. His next move would be a bold one, but time was running out. He leaped from the chair and locked his lips with Gandalf’s. His tongue pounced into the Gandalf’s mouth, tasting the other wizard. After a few moments, he pulled back, his whole body shaking as he whispered, “I’m so sorry Olórin. I truly do not understand what has come over me.”

Gandalf was a bit surprised himself. Shocked would be an understatement, but yet he kept his cool. As he took a moment to gather his thought and fully accept what just happened, he turned to Saruman and said, “I’m not.”

“But, I have forbidden us to love. To show compassion like this, to be lustful.”

“And you should know better than anyone how I accompany your rules, Curumo.”

A smiled etched itself on the Grey Wizard’s face as he stared into Saruman’s eyes. Gandalf did in fact share their feelings, but always thought they would not be welcomed. He was still unsure just how welcomed they may still be, but it was a start. Before Saruman fully sat back into the chair, Gandalf pulled him back onto the bed completely and the two would start kissing again.

His vision became blurry, and the room began to spin. Words slurred, colors faded into black, and suddenly Saruman found himself, alone on his throne in Orthanc. It was only a dream. No, it was more than a dream; it was what the wizard had wished for. What he should have done and remembered when he has the chance. But now he had become so corrupt and driven by darkness that the only thing he actually loved had died in an attack with a Balrog, which would have never taken place if he had not trapped him there. A single tear rolled down his face.  But he was not that wizard anymore. That was his past, and the past only haunted him.

Wait...