#sappyaf

Has such high highs and such low lows. I’ve been in love three times in my life.

The first, showed me the world in the palm of her hand. Told me I was the last, told me that she’d never love another ever again, told me that she would never do anything to lose what we had. But then she did. She became a different person, caused by lust that took her by the heart and ripped her from me.

The second, being in love with myself. Finding myself after losing what I thought was the best thing in my life. I found my worth and what I deserved. I told myself that I would never try to convince myself that I was happy in my relationship when I’m really not.

The third, the love of your life after the mistake of your life. Being with someone that just makes everything in your life better. Makes you want to be better for yourself and as one. She loves me the way I deserve to be loved, the way I want to be loved. She’s patient, she’s true, she’s everything I never had and everything I deserve and more.

You are every reason, every hope, every dream.

Lets get one thing straight right now, true love does not exist. Don’t like that opinion? Then fuck off and grow up. Now when I say that true love doesn’t exist, Im not saying love does not exist, it very much does, but the fairytale bullshit doesn’t. Love is a connection and it’s a very important one. Today I watched someone I love walk away. Now as dramatic as that may seem it was not, He simply had to leave, and I knew he was only a text away, and that I would see him as soon as time would allow it. However the feeling left with me was one of overwhelming fear and what I can only describe as a desperate need to be with him again. As I watched him walk away, I desperately wished he wouldn’t turn the corner and leave the station, but he did. I could still feel his lips on mine and smell him on the hoody I had taken as a small reminder. This moment can be easily written dramatically, but reality is different. He didn’t even look back because to him it wasn’t the dramatic scene that played out in my mind, he was simply leaving me knowing he would see me again soon and I was falling apart fearing I wouldn’t. An Irrational fear. Something that should not be an issue, we walk away from people every day, and yet as I stood on a train platform, my feet steadfast on the asphalt waiting to play out the familiar action of the journey home, my mind wished they would turn and run after him. I’m not one to be soppy or romantic or irrational, but watching him walk away was one of the hardest things I've ever done because the fear of never seeing him again was worse than the fear of dying. It’s strange to me how we attach ourselves to others so fiercely, from an evolutional point of view it doesn’t seem very intelligent, the aim is to reproduce and in a world where you could die at any minute, attaching yourself to select people seems counter productive. However we cling so desperately to the ones we love, letting them consume our thoughts as we do everything we can to make them happy. Holding onto the things that remind us of them, dying a little inside when you walk past a stranger that wears the same cologne as them, trying to remember how their lips felt on yours even when it’s been weeks since you saw them. Why do we cause ourselves pain over someone else? Why does the agony of parting with them increase by the second? and why do we enjoy wanting them if it hurts this much? There are probably clear understandable answers to these questions but they still baffle me. We all want to be needed, want to have someone feel the same agony as us when we walk away, have someone miss you as much as you miss them. I stated at the beginning of this that love in a important connection, which it is, we need to connect with people (This doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships, it applies to all relationships) because if we don’t then the emptiness of knowing that no one needs us would consume us. Loneliness is a dangerous thing and our need to keep it at bay forces us to connect. Pain and loss can devastate us but loneliness will destroy us completely. But what would I know? Im only 17.