i should really make a pinned

I've been doomed to a life of self-loathing. It seems inescapable at this point. I'm sinking into a suctioning pit of earth; send in the troops

how can i trust you? how can i leave you or be apart from you without fear now, knowing that you’ve gone behind my back like that? i appreciate your honesty about the situation, but not your reserves in refusing to tell me certain things. i think i deserve to know who it was. i can’t say i disagree with you that it won’t be helpful to me in any real way, and it might just hurt me more to know, but i’m not gonna sit here and wonder for the rest of my life if this person is still around. i cannot believe you, sam. i want so badly for this not to have happened, to stay with you and for nothing to have changed. but something has changed. i don’t know how you can make this better.

you, of all people. i never would have thought you’d do that to me. i’m trying to find the space between forgiveness and what everyone else is telling me to do, but to be in between the lines drawn is to be in the no-man’s land of relationships. sudden death. i love you and i believe that you didn’t mean any harm, but this is the kind of thing that you can’t just go and do. i can’t just live and let live on this front. i’m lost.

& it would be different if this didnt happen all the time. there's always an excuse but never any improvement.

i don’t get anything done. i have five summer assignments and an sat to study for and i havent had a productive moment in i don’t know how long. i can’t eat. all i want to do is sleep. i don’t even really want to talk to you anymore, you feel so distant. i feel myself slipping into relapse, like slowly slumping into a plastic chair attached to a desk until my chin is pressed against my chest, my breathing effectively constricted. my lower back nears the edge of the seat

was literally about to kms today, sat and made a plan for like an hour, but when i thought about hurting sam i couldnt do it, and i decided I'd write him a note, but if i wrote one to him I'd have to address everybody else too, and when i thought about all that writing i just got so exhausted that i couldnt do it. and then i had to sit through dinner with my whole fam and it was such a mess there's really something wrng with me but i can't talk to sam because i dont want him to be worried and im just so lost and upset