I found Weird Stuff in the Woods (creative writing assignment)
POSTED TO R/LEGALADVICE ON APRIL 24TH, 2015
TITLED: I FOUND SOMETHING IN THE WOODS, CAN I POST IT ON THE INTERNET?
So I recently found these old journals in the middle of the Appalachian mountains. They were in a box, half-buried under a bush and seem to belong to some dude who killed himself back in the 70’s. I really want to post them here because they’re honestly weird as fuck, but I also don’t want to get thrown in jail for whatever reason.
EDIT: the overwhelming majority of people said that “while posting it is a shitty thing to do, if the case is ruled a suicide it probably won’t come with any legal repercussions” which is good enough for me. I’ll be posting it on r/interesting if any of you want to check it out.
POSTED TO R/INTERESTING ON 4/26/2015
TITLED: I FOUND THESE WEIRD JOURNALS IN THE WOODS AND THEY’RE CREEPY AS SHIT
Okay, so I found these old journals in the middle of nowhere in the Appalachian Mountains. I’m not going to reveal anything about my identity because I’ve been told this is a morally shitty and possibly legally dubious thing to do and y’all know how the internet gets. Anyways, these journals belong to some guy who killed himself back in the 70’s. From what I gather, he was a professor at Syracuse University and specialized in woodland biology (specifically bats, specifically Eastern Pipistrelles).
I’m going to post these in chunks, because there’s kind of a lot to read here, and I don’t have the time, patience, or bandwidth to upload everything all at once. I’m also going to be cutting a lot of stuff out either because it’s boring or irrelevant, or it’s just scientific shit I can’t understand. I’ll do my best to make sure you get the gist of what’s going on
Tim and I woke up early this morning and had breakfast at Denny’s. Lovely little joint, Denny’s. I had the most wonderful omelet! It had just the right amount of cheese (I was able to identify at least three different types, mozzarella, american, and cheddar). The ham was also cooked perfectly, crisp enough to provide a variance in texture, but not so crunchy it took away from the entire meal. [RN: I cut some of this part out because the guy spends way too long talking about his fucking omelet] I had such a pleasant breakfast experience, I had to get up and thank the chef directly, a young man who quite honestly looked like he’d rather jump in the fryer himself than spend another minute in that kitchen. I hope my compliment made his day a little more bearable! Tim seemed rather exasperated once we finally left, but I suppose he simply isn’t as enthusiastic about food as I am.
We arrived at [RN: the name of the cave was scribbled over so much it ripped the page. Fucking creepy] just as the sun was peaking out. Though, we were in a valley, so the warmth was not shared with us, much to my disappointment. Tim didn’t seem to mind though, a true caver at heart. We chatted intermittently whilst getting ready to make our perilous descent into darkness. In all honesty I hate caves, I personally find the darkness suffocating, or, maybe that’s just the dankness. Oh the things I do for my research. Funny, how out of all the bat species that exist in the United States, I have to pick the ones that live in the darkest, most mildew-prevalent hellholes Mother Earth has to offer.
Note: we decided to switch up the plan a bit, so while this is technicallyEX I, we’ll be using the EX II route, then go back for EX I tomorrow.
It took about an hour and a half to get down the first “dead drop” (DDI., or as I like to call it, “DD-Prime”) as Tim calls it. It’s an absolute behemoth of a completely vertical hole about 10ft wide, an easy fit. It took a bit to actually get to it, given the fact we had to cross some rather wide holes (apparently the entrance to DDII.). The rappel down was pretty standard at first, but about halfway down, the hole opened up into an absolutely massive cavern (Tim calls it “the stomach,” a rather fitting name in my opinion). Reaching the ground required an utterly terrifying amount of time suspended in mid-air. In the offshoot, we looked for bats and found none (drat). The climb back up was a little tricky, but we made it. It became trickier when I was instructed to swing myself in order to miss the small lake residing in the belly of…well…the stomach! I asked Tim if it was safe, and he said not to worry if I fall in, as the water is actually quite warm. Apparently the cave sits on some sort of geothermal heat source. I was dubious, but swung with all I had, landing on the VERY precarious ledge that separates the water from DDI.II. I overshot quite a bit and if it weren’t for the wooden platform Tim and his friends must have built, I surely would have fallen to my death! These dead drops are very adequately named! Tim then made his own way down, landing next to me with ease. We scanned the walls of The Stomach on the way down as well as from the ground, and despite the fact this area of the cave was very warm and humid, there were no bats to be found. Strange, as this would be another perfect roost! Alas, this is a big cave, and according to Tim, there are a few more places the little buggers could be hiding. Hopefully we’ll have better luck tomorrow. We’re going to eat and rest for a bit then head back up. I have no idea how that’s going to work, given the gold-medal-worthy gymnastics routine we had to perform to get down here in the first place! But Tim’s an expert, so I’ll reserve the escape route planning to him!
It took us a lot longer to get back out of The Stomach than it did getting in; though, I imagine it would have been a lot harder if we didn’t have the scaffolding-like construction Tim has down there. We monkeyed our way up before attacking the slippery stone wall. My heart was racing throughout the ascension. Even though Tim was leading the way, clipping our shared rope to the metal he had forced into the rock face, said rock face was inconceivably slippery. I noticed these deep, cup-like grooves carved into the wall. They somewhat resembled those handholds at a rock-climbing gym; though, they were carved in, instead of attached to the wall, and too far spaced apart for them to be deliberate. Besides, Tim says it’s a virgin cave, and hasn’t found much of any life at all aside from maybe your typical cave molds and fungi. Not much else happened, Tim’s wife made a wonderful beef stroganoff! [RN: cut this out because no one needs to know that much about his beef fucking stroganoff]
Hey everyone, sorry for the wait for part 2. I have a life, and that’s all I’ll say. He drew a map with plans for different days, but he scribbled all over it. I’m gonna have a friend try and restore it through photoshop, I’ll let you know how that goes. If anyone here is good at photoshop, let me know and I’ll send you a higher res picture.
Also, I feel like I should specify everything I’m posting is in journal 2 (it starts around page 10, everything before that is just boring shit about bats, planning for this “expedition” and stuff like that. Anyways, here’s part 2
The morning kicked off uneventfully. Today we’re going to explore the route for EXI. which will take us down through DD II and into the wetter parts of the cave system. Hopefully we’ll find some bats!
We forwent Denny’s this morning. A shame, I was looking forward to trying their pancakes! They should be nothing short of divine if the eggs/bacon/potatoes are anything to go by. Oh well, perhaps I’ll have to make a trip on my own after dinner! My sister’s comparing me to a hobbit is becoming more and more evident each day.
DDII Is far more perilous than DDI! Though the drop itself isn’t nearly as vertical, there are so many little nooks and crannies one can mistakenly squeeze themselves into. Thank God for Tim, without him I’d surely be stuck in a hole somewhere down here! It took forever, but we finally reached as far as we can go, everything past here is completely submerged. No bats so far, but we have found something! Tim says it most likely comes from the flood-prone pond caves*. Now, I’m no botanist, but I do know what typical cave-florae look like. This plant is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. It’s black and somewhat flakey? Like shredded seaweed. It smells horrid, worse than bat guano! The smell doesn’t travel, one has to put the specimen quite close to the face and deliberately sniff it for the scent to be noticeable, but once you smell it, WOOOF. It’s odd though, usually, something so putrid can be noticed long before actually seeing it. Regardless, I have decided to take a sample and pray my equipment doesn’t end up smelling like death. Hopefully Grevin can analyze it for me upon my return to Syracuse.
*Tim says the whole cave system is prone to flooding should it rain enough, however, this would mean the water in The Stomach should be similar to that of the rest of the caverns. It isn’t. The water in The Stomach is very blue, and much clearer. In DDII the water is murky. I’ve taken a sample of the murky water and will take another sample of the clear water to compare in the lab. Also, according to Tim’s map, there are no fish in the pond. None. Perhaps minerals from the cave have made the water inhabitable? Yet another question for Grevin.
Nothing else found today. It’s strange, there isn’t a trace of any Pipistrelle activity (or any activity of life in general besides some molds, fungus, and that strange plant). We found something though, so at least there’s that. I’ll see what Grevin has to say about the samples. It’s going to be hard waiting for the 21st. I feel like I’m leaving a puzzle only partially completed .
Hey everyone. I have good news, my buddy really came through on that map. Creepy shit. Here’s the link.
This is where things get crazy, so I’ll add some notes along the way.
The day is finally here! I left Syracuse yesterday and drove as fast as I could! I think the police noticed my enthusiasm because I got speeding ticket. Oh well. Tim’s wife made an excellent breakfast! She made the most wonderful pancakes (better than Denny’s) [RN: cut out the section of him yapping about pancakes] Today we’re going all the way down to ground zero (well, sub-ground zero). EXIII is going to be the most intense caving expedition I’ve ever been on. According to Tim, he has a little campsite down near DDIII’s midway point. We won’t have to bring anything down with us, because he said his buddy (who went down last Friday) left some stuff down there. The search for bats continues!
It took less time than last to get to the pit of The Stomach. I made sure to grab a sample of the water as well. Right now, we’re taking a break and eating some beef jerky (made by Tim’s amazing wife). I never noticed just how deep the Stomach Pool is. There are stalagmites all throughout, but I can’t actually see the very bottom. Perhaps there’s another tunnel? There’s no gap in the stalagmites that would indicate such a thing, and Tim says it’s unlikely, but no one has actually checked. Apparently, it’s quite dangerous to try, so I suppose I can’t blame them.
We finally made it to the campsite. On the final edge’s lip (the one right before the last slope before the campsite), our rope became ensnared on a particularly stubborn piece of rock. Both Tim and I were utterly exhausted, so it took far longer than it should have to free ourselves. I’ve never camped in a cave before. In fact, I actively avoid it. I love my bats, but caves are…creepy, to put it plainly. Regardless, we all but collapsed upon the sleeping mats. Both of us were covered in sweat and dirt. I was thankful for the breeze, until I realized we were in a cave where there had been no breeze moments prior. I asked Tim about it and he said it’s probably from “The Squeeze,” a small hole he and his friends had recently opened. Having never heard of this, I inquired further, but Tim said he would tell me more in the “morning.” I can’t blame him; I can barely hold the pencil I’m so wiped!
It turns out it is, in fact, morning. 5:45am to be exact. I’m surprisingly well-rested considering there was only a thin layer of foam between me and the cave floor. The uneven cave floor. Exhaustion will do that to you I suppose! Tim says this is the trickiest part of the route, as it’s very steep. Vertical, according to the map. The breeze hasn’t changed in intensity. Hopefully that will make our descent easier.
DDIII.II was a lot easier than I anticipated. It turns out the breeze does help! We made it down the shaft in about two hours. At the bottom Tim went to inspect “The Squeeze,” and I went to inspect for bats. I found none, but I did find something even more interesting. On a slight slope, I saw some oddly colored rock peaking out from underneath the face. I took out my knife, and tried to pry away the outer layer. To my surprise, after a rather lackluster push, the whole thing crumbled. Thank God I was wearing a helmet, as more than a few pieces landed (and then crumbled) off my head. Tim was, understandably, just as shocked as I was. Though, the real surprise came when we saw what caught my eye in the first place. It was a painting, circular in design with what appeared to be a sun in the middle, and figures holding various weapons standing around it. Between the figures there were figures I assume to be birds of some kind, each with a varying number of feathers? It was the figure at the top of the circle that really had me intrigued. It stood a whole head taller than the others, but also sported a very large rack of antlers with three of those feather-like shapes between them. It was also holding something (a flare?) in each hand. The figure at the very bottom of the circle was also interesting, as it too had three feathers (no antlers) only they were blue, instead of black. It’s arms were also positioned above its head unlike the others. Each figure depicted had some sort of “aura” all red save the horned figure (who had a blue aura), and the bottom figure (who’s aura was outlined by a thin blue line). I immediately began to take pictures, but because of the questionable light sources, I decided to draw it as well just incase the photos didn’t turn out.
Tim was, for lack of a better term, in a frenzy. To be quite honest, so was I. It’s not every day one just happens upon potentially ancient cave art. I cannot wait to show this to Aveline, she’ll most likely die of excitement!
[RN: There was no camera in the box I found this stuff in so don’t ask for pictures.]
We debated whether or not we should take what we have and come back later or push through The Squeeze in search of an alternative exit. Tim argued that due to the proximity of the painting and The Squeeze, the two were probably connected. While this makes sense, it only makes sense if one doesn’t think about it with too much depth. The rational side of me wanted to leave the way we came, but the scientist in me couldn’t help but get riled up at the thought of discovering something new. Needless to say, the scientist won.
We tied our packs together and slid them single file through the opening. Once they were through, I tried my hand at “making the squeeze” as Tim puts it. It took me a lot longer than Tim and the equipment, but I made it (well, minus a fair bit of skin). The smell hit me before anything else. It was earthy, kind of like dead leaves. The breeze was also stronger here. The cavern wasn’t wide, but it was long. In the middle was yet another fantastically off-putting exhibit. Statues, man-sized statues. They were standing in a circle around a stone. A perfectly square stone, and I don’t use the word “perfectly” lightly. It truly was immaculate. There were eight “man statues” also of unimaginably flawless. Each man was so incredibly detailed, yet somehow generic at the same time. No two were the same, but they were all similar in the exact same way, almost akin to varying styles of mannequins in a clothing store. They were more like templates than actual people. I took pictures and made only a quick drawing, as only a camera could capture just what I was seeing.
It just occurred to me that Tim and I haven’t spoken since The Squeeze. I’m not sure if it’s wonder, or unease causing the silence. Though, putting rationality aside, I think both of us are a little concerned of someone hearing us. Ever since we saw the statues, it’s like something has suddenly become aware of our trespassing. Despite the obvious tension, we pushed forward. It was like reading a really good book, you keep turning the page despite knowing you should probably stop and get on with your day. Your mind keeps saying “put it down” but your body just keeps turning the pages. We’ve made it beyond the chamber with the statues and are now sitting in another squeeze-like passage (though this one isn’t quite as tight as the original Squeeze).
Those seaweed-like plants. We resumed our trek through the passage but were stopped by the discovery of the plants. They smell just as bad as I remember.
I thought the statues were amazing, but THIS takes the cake. We emerged from the second squeeze, into yet another chamber. Unlike the last, this one was very big and very well-lit. The room itself was perfectly square and made of what seems to be obsidian. It was warm. The stone itself was warm with a slight vibration to it? A hum? In the center of the room was an altar, carved out of the same substance. Half of the alter looked like a naturally formed stone, merged perfectly with the rest of the structure. It looked almost like a roman column with a sphere in the middle. There were no curves on the carved part of the alter. Every inch of the surface was made of completely straight edges, like a cut diamond. Directly above the alter was a perfectly square skylight? I don’t know where the light was coming from because it certainly wasn’t the sky. According to Tim’s map, we were underneath the always-flooded portions of the cave system. “Pondland” as Tim calls it. He also says Dave, the man responsible for charting the underwater portion of the map, has mentioned the water gets warmer the further down you go. Perhaps this strange rock this chamber is made of is responsible. On the wall behind the alter was another painting. It was far bigger than the last (floor to ceiling). I followed the same procedure. Photograph, draw, move forward. The smell was stronger, as was the breeze, alongside both Tim and my desire to leave.
After making our way through another narrow passage, we entered the third chamber. It was bigger and natural in shape, also sporting a “skylight” and made of the same black stone. There was another pedestal towards the back, fashioned in the same way as the last. Behind the pedestal was another passage. As Tim turned to face the altar, and I was about to investigate what seemed to be another painting, that smell came back and in full. I hadn’t even realized it was gone, but now that I think about it, the breeze had also completely stopped while we were in the last passage. Only the smell returned, and it no longer smelled like fallen leaves, it smelled like decay. It was almost tangible, it invaded my nose, my eyes, making them water, I could taste it. It became hard to breathe. I was about to vomit, but Tim grabbed my arm. His hand was cold as ice, I looked towards him and his face was pale, lips tight, eyes locked on whatever he was facing. I slowly turned to face what Tim was transfixed by, and to my horror, as I squinted through the faint light, I saw hands. Impossibly large hands with horrifically long, spindly fingers gripping the sides of the hole we had come from, arms disappearing behind the curtain-like darkness. We stood unmoving for only a moment longer before bolting for the passage behind the pedestal. The passage was narrow to begin with, but it became even more so the further along we stumbled. Whatever pursued us never made a sound, but every time I chanced a look back, I could see its hands, its arms, the smell never lessening in intensity. Our only saving grace was the fact this passage was relatively straight, with no sudden dips or inclines, but it was such a tight squeeze. My shirt was in tatters, my skin was ripped to shreds, and yet we kept running. Eventually we saw a sliver of daylight. Tim dropped his pack, before throwing himself towards the opening, his broad frame quickly becoming stuck, but that didn’t slow him down. He writhed between the rock, eventually forcing himself the rest of the way through, leaving a trail of skin and blood behind him. I didn’t even hesitate before following his lead. I had a far easier time wedging myself through, and thank God, because no sooner had I stumbled free, a spindly, disfigured hand landed where I had just been. Before I could even think about screaming, Tim grabbed my arm and yanked it hard, jarring me to action. He took off running once again and I followed.
[RN: This is pretty much the end of it. The rest of the journal is just kind of depressing if I’m being honest so I’m gonna leave it here. I have a buddy of mine looking into what happened so maybe there will be more to this but idk.]
