---

Despite hearing sharp, precise footsteps approaching her seat in what the group had deemed a - relatively - safe lounge car, Samantha didn't pause in updating the Conductor's entry in her small green journal. She may not have known the Researcher for very long, just yet, but the woman was memorable enough that it wasn't difficult for her to stick in one's memory.

She continued to write and mused that she was probably headed over to speak with Itzy, nearby. The Researcher hadn't really been interested in Samantha's opinion on - anything, really - since their first meeting a week or so ago when she learned Sam hadn't yet encountered any residents as up close and personally as Itzy had.

So, surely she was safe. Right?

The shadow that was suddenly cast by a certain someone looming over her shoulder implied otherwise.

"What is it that you're always scribbling in that journal of yours? Pray tell it's something actually useful to the rest of us."

Samantha looked up from her entry with a scowl. She moved to cover the page with her hand and took a moment to close her eyes and just... breathe. When she opened them again, it was to meet the Researcher's gaze through the other woman's round, green-tinted glasses. Sam reminded herself to be civil.

"Hello to you too, Researcher. It's certainly useful to me. I'm not sure it would meet your standards." She threw a pointed glance to the corner of the thick, ancient looking tome strapped to the Researcher's back. "Yours seems... a lot more impressive."

The Researcher's posture straightened up with pride. And maybe a hint of imperiousness - if you were asking Sam, at least.

"The Journal is a masterful feat of academia only achieved through the persistence and craftsmanship of many a great man who has come before me. Your measly paper journal would never compare. Nevertheless, if you are transcribing pertinent information, then I must insist upon reading it."

Samantha couldn't help but roll her eyes. Even so, a small smirk quirked up the corner of her lips. Despite the demanding way the Researcher spoke most (all) of the time, it made her mad about as often as it made her laugh. Not that she would ever admit that.

"You insist? Well what if I insist that it's private?"

The Researcher's lip curled disapprovingly. "That's simply nonsensical. If the contents of your journal would aid us in our survival aboard this train, then why hide it? What would you have to hide anyway, Samantha? There's nothing you can write that could possibly make a scholarly mind such as my own flinch."

Samantha thought about a few of the secrets she kept - not her own, but for someone else. Flinch? No, probably not. Froth? Almost definitely.

She looked back down to her journal and shifted her hand slightly off the page.

Well. Fuck it. Maybe the Researcher would notice something that she hadn't. Besides - she had designed things with the intention for it to be at least a little useful to anyone that found it.

Sam flipped back to the first entry, and then offered her journal up to the Researcher.

"Far be it from me to do something nonsensical, Researcher. I'm honestly not sure if it would be useful for you - but then again, maybe you'll notice something I haven't, yet."

The Researcher smiled. Samantha stared at her mouth a little longer than might have been appropriate, and only realized that fact when the woman spoke again and she was able to snap her eyes away.

"I knew there was a reasonable woman somewhere beneath that bull-headed nature of yours, Samantha. Let's have a look, then."

---

Close-ups (without a color filter) under the cut. Click the link at the end of the narrative portion above to read the transcript of these pages contents.

Not even Dean has been able to read any of the entries in the journal just yet!

But... he might get the chance to soon!

~~~

As Sam held out the book, Dean hesitated. His fingers twitched, instinctively wanting to take it, but torn.

wonder (entry #1)

pie (entry #2)

pounds (entry #3)

away (entry #4)

moving on (entry #5)

lost (entry #6)

dark (entry #7)

maybe (entry #8)

man up (entry #9)

staying (entry #10)

maybe (entry #11)

bobby (entry #12)

dad (entry #13)

Dean (entry #14)

Dean’s Here (entry #15)

starting over (entry #16)

Dean’s Story (entry #17)

shampoo (entry #18)

clean (entry #19)

eating (entry #20)

shower (entry #21)

slept (entry #22)

shit (entry #23)

gone (entry #24)

worried (entry #25)

drowning (entry #26)

no exit (entry #27)

promise (entry #28)

Deans’ Arms (entry #29)

am i (entry #30)

wait (entry #31)

give up (entry #32)

cheese sandwich (entry #33)

try (entry #34)

phone (entry #35)

cold (entry #36)

messages (entry #37)

who (entry #38)

air (entry #39)

hopes (entry #40)

and dreams (entry #41)

finally (entry #42)

shush (entry #43)

answers (entry #44)

why (entry #45)

left (entry #46)

doctor (entry #47)

a year (entry #48)

recovery (entry #49)

Dean (entry #50)

Dean’s Journal (entry #51)

standing (entry #52)

excited (entry #53)

us (entry #54)

where (entry #55)

no (entry #56)

darkness (entry #57)

foggy (entry #58)

walls (entry #59)

dreams (entry #60)

stay awake (entry #61)

hunt (entry #62)

eating (entry #63)

comfortable (entry #64)

liar (entry #65)

nightmare (entry #66)

almost (entry #67)

ready (entry #68)

john (entry #69)

nails (entry #70)

not okay (entry #71)

angry (entry #72)

sound (entry #73)

dead (entry #74)

done (entry #75)

body (entry #76)

hospital (entry #77)

confused (entry #78)

end (entry #79)

Green (entry #80)

yep (entry #81)

hands (entry #82)

imagined (entry #83)

real (entry #84)

wrong (entry #85)

(entry #86)

how (entry #87)

ok (entry #88)

letter (entry #89)

unreal (entry #90)

real life (entry #91)

wait (entry #92)

new (entry #93)

hurt (entry #94)

need (entry #95)

either way (entry #96)

broken (entry #97)

alive (entry #98)

safe (entry #99)

Forever (entry #100)

05.20.18

I don’t know what I’m supposed to be writing. This isn’t like a hunter's journal, it’s just a set of empty pages. Rowena gave it to me this morning. She said it might help to keep me focused while we’re looking for you. She said she writes in one at night now, after what happened with Billi. Maybe it’ll help.

05.21.18

I don’t even know why I’m doing this. It feels stupid…. Like most other things I do for you. I miss you so much. And I can say that here. I’m not allowed to say things like that to you, you’ll make fun of me for it. But I do, and I love you. I’m tired of losing you and everyone else I care about. We’ve lost each other so many times and I’m ready for it to end. After this I’m done. And I really mean it this time. No more monsters, no more hunting. Just you, me, Cas, and Jack. We’ll live normal lives… Maybe we can get an actual house and a dog.

6.1.18

We’ve been at it for weeks and you’re no where. Normally an archangel’s presence on earth draws some attention.I can only assume Michael is hiding out and biding his time. I could really use your help on this. I may be the one behind the research but you were always the one with the plans. Man I miss you.

6.2.18

I JUST WANT TO SLEEP. I feel like I’ve been awake from the moment Michael took you. I doze off now and then but I don’t feel rested. I was tempted to ask Cas if he’d just knock me out but he’s not really speaking to anyone right now. He leaves a lot and comes back angry. He won’t even tell us where he’s been, but I know. He’s either out looking for you, or talking to Chuck. He does that a lot lately. He just stands in the clearing behind the bunker and yells at him about how bad of a father he is. He asks for his help every day but so far there’s no answer. I want to tell him that he’s not going to get any help, especially after talking so much shit to him but I know better than to broach that subject. We don’t speak about you. He asks for updates and helps research but if it goes any further he ends the conversation. He misses you too Dean. We all do.

 06.08.18

Jack and I got into an argument today. I feel awful. I know he’s just trying to help but I can’t lose you. Not now. He thinks we should focus more on finding a way to end Michael. He’s aware of what that implies and so am I. I told him it wasn’t happening and not to bring it up again. I wanted to hit him… and that’s not fair. He’s just a kid Dean and we’ve put all this crap on him. He’s too hardened by the world already and I hate it. I mean it Dean after this we’re getting out. For good.

06.14.18

I feel so restless. I need to do something. I need to find you. And I will Dean, I swear I will. Cas has been gone with Rowena for a few days on a lead so that leaves me here with Jack. Things have been tense since that argument. He won’t stay in a room with me for longer than a minute and he ignores me when I try to talk to him. Now I know how you felt when I was a teenager. I’m sorry about that by the way, guess I was just as stubborn as he is if not even more so. Turns out writing in this thing really does help. The past few days I’ve felt like I was going to crawl right out of my own skin. Now, getting it out, I feel a little less … urgent.

06.22.18

Gang’s all here minus one. Cas and Rowena are back. Mom and Bobby are staying here. (Which is so freaking weird, I wish you were here to see it) Charlie is staying and Claire came down with Jody and Donna. We Called Garth and he’s on his way here too. Everyone is pitching in and were going to bring you home. We all love you Dean and I wish we’d told you more. But we’re going to make up for it. You’re going to get so tired of all the love.

 07.07.18

I saw you today. It was just for a minute but it was nice. I’m surprised Michael didn’t try to kill me. Guess I’m not a part of his plan. He looked so much like you. It’s weird because like Cas looks different that what I remember Jimmy looking like. They held themselves differently, spoke differently. But when I saw you it looked like you. Except Michael has you dressed like a total douche bag. I could have sworn it was you though Dean. He smiled and waved at me then he disappeared.I hate this. I hope you come home soon. This place feels so empty without you no matter how many people I let stay. I’m surrounded by people but I’m lonely. I know you’re probably lonely too just having Michael for company.

07.19.20

This feels pointless. All I’m doing is wasting time when I could be looking for you, but this is the only way I can talk to you now. I could probably pray but he would hear. He better not be hurting you either. I know this can’t be easy on you, especially if he lets you see what’s going on. Maybe he was nice enough to put you in a dream. Maybe in your head you’re on a beach vacation just like you wanted. I hope that’s what’s going on anyway.

07.30.18

Why aren’t you here!? You’re the strongest person I know, you should be able to fight this! I can’t do this… Not on my own. And everyone else gone now! I feel like they’ve given up. Except them, Jack and Cas they stayed. But he still won’t talk to me. I can’t fix it! I can’t fix anything! Brother where the hell are you?!

08.04.18

Jack finally spoke to me today. He’s so angry Dean. I wish you were here dude. I don’t know the first damn thing about raising a teenager! And Cas, he’s in general mode. He’s not really with us. He just runs constantly trying to find a way to get Michael out of you.

08.10.18

Rowena’s back. And she brought mom. I hope they stay this time I really missed them.

08.12.18

Mom hugged me today for like 5 minutes straight. We spent hours talking. She told me all about you when you were a baby. I kinda wish I could go back and see it. She said you were really funny and that her and Dad were always laughing at something you’d done. Did you know you were just 10 months old when you learned how to walk on your own? I don’t know how old normal babies are or how old I was but I feel like that’s early. See Dean you’ve always been smart

 08.16.18

We’ve got a lead. This could be it Dean.

08.29.28

I hope you appreciate what I just had to go through to save your stupid angel. He’s being reckless and he’s going to end up getting himself killed. Again. I told him how angry you would be when you found out. I feel bad for yelling at him but he’s my brother now and I can’t lose him too.

09.03.18

It’s been months… I feel like I’ve really lost you this time.

09.16.18

Jack doesn’t listen very well. It took months but Jack finally got Cas talking. Screaming is more like it. He suggested that when we get you that we kill Michael. I don’t like Cas’s smiting face. I don’t think Jack liked it very much either. Castiel is now walking through the house having a fit and Jack convinced mom to spar with him for a while. He’s getting pretty good at it but mom can still kick his butt. It’s hard to watch this though. Because I get it. Cas loves you and he loves Jack and having to choose what’s right is hard. We both know what you would say if you got a vote so that’s exactly why we’re not going to consult you. Now he’s bitching at me because I knew about Jack’s plan and I didn’t tell him. Apparently he was actually going to go through with it. I can’t really be mad at him though. He’s trying to save the world. But we’re trying to save you.

09.21.18

Sister Jo Called. She said she spoke with you. I told Cas to hang up. I don’t trust her.

09.29.18

I’ll get sleep one day

10.10.18

Bingo. Now we just have to find a way to get the bastard out.

10.17.18

I know that was you. I know you were the one that kept him from killing us. But what I don’t understand is why he’s still in there if you can control your body.

10.25.18

I’ve had it. I’m going to put him in a corpse somehow and then I’m going to fry his wings in holy oil. Bastard.

11.07.18

Ok here goes… I need you to come home. Living here like this without you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I keep wanting to call you and ask for your help but you’re not going to pick up. It’ll just be him. And he sure as hell isn’t going to be helpful. This is so fucking stupid. Ten years, ten fucking years of pain, anger, fear and frustration and Lucifer was finally dead. We had gotten rid of the big threat. You were supposed to cast him out Dean! We were going to be happy. For a minute we were happy and then you left again. I don’t know what to do man. If you’re gone then I want to be gone too. At least you won’t be alone. I’m going to pray to you. And I hope he comes…

11.08.18

I can’t believe that worked. You’re really here. Well mostly. Cas says you should wake up soon. That’s the first time he’s smiled since May. He and Rowena are taking turns trying to heal you. Michael messed you up pretty bad but I know you’ll be ok.

11.22.18

You’re still out. I’m losing my mind waiting for you to come back to us. I sat with you last night while Roe tried to heal you. I’m sorry for crying. I should man up but you’re all I’ve got. And it’s been stressful without you.

1.24.19

Sam’s Journal December 31st, 1999

So it’s the last day of the century. So many things have changed.Dean and I are on our own. Bobby and Rufus were reluctant to let us go, but Dean pulled them aside. I didn’t hear most of what he said, but I did hear the words “protect”, “forever”, and “love”.

They assured him they were only a phone call away. I thought maybe he might want to go to Kansas, but he shook his head. He said he’ll probably never set foot there again.

So he asked me where I wanted to go. I didn’t need much time to think about that. “Texas,” I told him.

So he took me to Texas.

I tested in to my Junior year at the local high school. Dean promises I won’t change schools again. (Got straight A’s so far). Dean has a job as a mechanic. It’s not much right now, but if he stays, he’ll make good money eventually. It’s enough for a small studio apartment.

My weight is back to almost normal again. I still have some food aversion, but I’m not throwing up at all. I’ve gained 20 pounds and feel great. I still have more weight to gain, but I’ll get there. My Physical Education class keeps me in shape.

I do still have nightmares. John. Her. Always vivid. Not every night. Maybe 2-3 times a week. But Dean is always there, his arms around me, whispering words of protection and love. They are terrifying as fuck, though. I wake up screaming a lot. I’m getting better. It’s a slow process.

But he’s never left my side.He’s always there. And I know he always will be. I know he’s waiting to tell me. I heard him talking on the phone earlier...

Yeah Bobby. Thank you for understanding. Yeah, I’m...I’m going to tell him tonight. I think he’s ready. I am too. Yes, Bobby more than anything. I don’t understand it either, but it’s just right, ok? Right for us anyway. I will. I do. Yeah, I really will, Bobby. Forever. Ok, you too, Bobby. Happy New Year. Yep. Bye-bye.

He didn’t know I was listening. But my heart feels really good right now.

10 minutes before midnight...

Dean told me. It looked he was going to explode from nervousness. Tears of joy slipped down my cheeks.

And then.

Dean kissed me. Like really really kissed me. His lips were so soft and gentle. His hands pushed through my hair, tugging me gently closer until I was straddling his lap, facing him. His hands moved and rested on my hips.

“Sammy?” he asked quietly and I nodded. he pressed me closer.

We watched the ball drop on our small tv as we kissed into the new year. The new century. The new millennium. The new everything. With Dean, I know I will be ok. WE will be ok.

Me and Dean. Together. Safe, protected, loved.

Forever.

I’m supposed to be sleeping. But I can’t. Dean is actually here. He ran into my room, throwing his bags on the floor. Bobby was right behind him. hands in his pockets, grinning.

But Dean came to me. He put his hands on my cheeks and started crying.

He told me he was sorry and that he should have never left me like that. He asked for forgiveness! That’s why I cried, too. I told him I thought he hated me. Dean ran his fingers through my hair and brushed his fingers across my arm. I knew he was afraid of what he saw. He told me he could never hate me.

He told me he loved me.

His voice was like music to my ears. He helped me sit up and held me close. I could tell he was trying to be gentle with me.

He promised to tell me everything. He said he couldn’t help that he had to leave and that when he came back and I was gone, he panicked. He never stopped looking.

And guess what? He’s gonna stay here! He promised he would stay with Bobby and help me get better. He promised he would never leave me again.

I might be ok now.

Dean’s here.

Sam’s Journal - October 5th, 1999

Dad stopped by today.

Yeah, stopped by. Figures, right?

He patted my head and said I looked good. Bastard. He talked to Bobby mostly, who spoke to him angrily. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I’m pretty sure I know what it was about.

Dean wasn’t with him. They had been separated a few days ago, and decided to meet here.

But Dad stayed for like an hour before he got a call and just fucking left. Told Bobby to say goodbye to me for him.

Dean might be here tomorrow. I really miss his voice. And his hands. I just want him to hold me and tell me I’ll be alright.

I hope he’s not mad anymore.

Dean might be here tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

Dean. Tomorrow.

Sam’s Journal - October 8th, 1999

Well - that was a lot all at once. He still hasn’t told me why he was mad at me. Why he wasn’t talking to me. Not yet. But he did tell me why he left.

So Dad called and told him he had to leave immediately or there would be hell to pay. And when dad says that, you listen. I guess dad was pissed about something Dean did. Dean didn’t want me there because dad was gonna beat him. Dean wanted to keep me safe.

So he forced me to stay in that hotel. And dad did beat him. Fucker.

Dean wanted to come back right away. But dad had hit him pretty hard and he wasn’t doing so well. Then dad forced him to go on three hunts back to back, not letting him rest, telling him I’d be fine, there was plenty of money, blah blah.

When Dean finally got away, he went back to the hotel and I was already gone. That’s where dad caught up with him. First he was pissed at Dean but then he realized I was gone. Dad was worried too, or at least Dean says he was.

If my timing is right, I think he missed me by two days.

He’s pretty upset by it all. He keeps beating himself up about not being there for me. I guess I get to be there for him now.

We can be there for each other.