#saezuru chapter51

As been handled roughly by Doumeki and bit, Yashiro gradually arouses and puts his hand in Doumeki’s hair. Doumeki remains expressionless. He may think that... he likes this way after all. But that he who tries to push Yashiro’s hand back and mumbles, “It is nothing...” is not expressionless. Yashiro must know that Doumeki is trying to patch something up. Doumeki learned Yashiro would be disappointed by that because Yashiro was always trying to send Doumeki back to the none-yakuza world.

Yashiro hardly reveals his genuine emotions, he is said that gets mad with a smiling tone. And he is a man who will use a suitable weapon in ordinary circumstances if he is going to attack. Now he kicks Doumeki with just socked feet and beats him with his bare hands. Doumeki can know that Yashiro is releasing his tightly sealed emotion. It is the emotion about Doumeki’s life choice, and Yashiro runs it with intensity toward Doumeki himself. The masque of the lecherous neko slips off Yashiro, and the one of the black-suited yakuza does off Doumeki. 

What is love? At least it would be something reassuring and trustworthy. In exchange for that unclear forbidden sense, Yashiro let go of Doumeki. The conversation in chapter 23 (vol.5) requires effort to follow along even in the original language. Yashiro said, “I am not afraid of you. I am... [afraid of] myself becoming unable to lose you...” “I am afraid of losing you,” which is almost a confession of love, and its premise is the recognition that you are currently with me. I do not think Yashiro understood what he meant, but Doumeki did. He was much inspired and shed tears. Without Yashiro’s those words, Doumeki would never have taken the next move. The fear of losing someone also caused Yashiro panic, since he had survived by not his expecting or asking for anything from anyone. Even babies stop crying when they learn no one comes. Moreover, Yashiro was far more afraid of losing Doumeki FROM THE WORLD than of him.

Although Doumeki should be able to hold Yashiro down as long as he wished to, he lets Yashiro do as much as he wants. He receives his feelings. This can mean that Doumeki generally understands why Yashiro is angry with him, and more, the main reason Yashiro threw him away four years ago. From when? The time when he spoke with Nanahara at the end of volume 6 (Tobu tori ha kotoba wo motanai, the translated title: Flying birds never speak), or he was listening to the conversation between Tsunakawa and Yashiro (ch.42, vol.7)?  What and how was he thinking at the time...

When Doumeki gently touched Yashiro’s face and hair and kissed him, Yashiro must have realized that it was the materialization of what he was wanting. Formerly, in chapter 23 (vol.5), he had been astonished to the point of rolling his eyes up into his head. Doumeki begins to use his tongue, Yashiro puts his hand on Doumeki’s neck, gives one hesitant look, and then begins to use his tongue as well. Doumeki puts one hand under Yashiro’s shirt and another down the back into his pants. In chapter 46 (vol.8), he was going to touch Yashiro’s bare back and stopped. Now he allows himself to do so, and he knows that Yashiro wants it, too. Yashiro is clinging to Doumeki with both his arms and legs without caring about how he looks, and sucking mouth to mouth. So impressive to see Yashiro has found what he wants.