I normally don't post the instant I feel terrible, for fear that this post will be visible on my main page long after my emotions pass and exist as a reminder, a blemish. Basically, my exam today didn't go well, and I probably failed. I prepared as well as I could, as well as my judgement deemed fit, as much as it took for me to feel confident walking into the lecture hall today. But still...I was so confused. I can't believe grades mean this much to me these days. I guess to me higher grades validate that I'm keeping up with the crowd, doing my job as a med student well, and am learning a lot. My school is pass/fail btw, so it's designed to not be competitive and too stressful. I've thought about why I was confused, the topics I needed to review, and ways to study better for the future exams and Step 1. But I don't want to talk about that right now. As I was walking home, up my 1/2 mile with an incline of what feels like 70%, I asked myself, "Sure, grades and scores are important to me now. But if I lived 10 years longer, what would really still be important then?" My answer, "That I graduated from medical school, completed residency, and became a practicing doctor. That I helped all the people I could as a medical student. That I formed mentorships and friendships. That I fell in love, twice. That Benjamin was my best friend. And that I could do something that is undoubtedly good for the world." So sure, I may have to take a test over again and have it interfere with studying for boards. Yes, many of my classmates are more effective at studying than me and have found what works for them long ago. But, I'm going to be fine and should try to be as happy as I can be. Being sad, worried, or stressed (when you can help it) doesn't change any of the facts, so why suffer.
