#saaara

My parents recently moved to a new house, so last weekend I paid them a visit and combed through a bunch of boxes of old photos, journals, term papers, yearbooks, etc.  I may have to start a new series on the BLOW OFF called "excerpts from my high school diary"-- all the entries are incredibly cringe-worthy (I actually used to say "make love").  I also stumbled across an anniversary card I gave to my parents ten years ago for their 30th that listed thirty things they taught me about marriage.  I know I did a similar post awhile back, but I was lazy then and could only think of five things. Below is a much more comprehensive list: 30. Always sleep in the same bed. 29. Hold hands on car rides. 28. Go out to for nice dinners and take your time to order. 27. Dance with each other. 26. Call each other by a term of endearment (my parents call each other azizam in Farsi which translates to "my love") 25. Tell each other you look nice before you go out.  (Editor's note, I'd like to now change "nice" to "hot.") 24. Go on vacation, even if it's for one night. 23. Save your love letters.  22. Forget your fights. 21. Always eat dinner together.  20. Work together if you can (my parents have somehow been able to stay happily married and work together-- in the same office-- for the majority of their marriage.  Not sure how they managed that.) 19. Kiss hello and good bye. 18. Money's not important. 17.  Keep some things between yourselves. 16. Make each other laugh. 15. Stand up for each other. 14. Stand up for yourselves. 13. Talk fondly about the past and make plans for the future. 12. Listen to good music together. 11. Don't let other people butt into your relationship. 10. Tell each other everything (even if your kids ask you not to).  Peeps with kids, do you agree with this one? 9. Buy each other gifts for no reason. 8. Spend time with your kids and spend time away from them. 7. Compliment each other's cooking. 6. Make yourself happy by making each other happy. 5. Saying you're sorry and admitting you're wrong is more important than being right all the time. 4. Be comfortable spending time apart at parties and talking to other people. 3. Surprise each other. 2. You can never say "I love you" too much. 1. Set an example for your kids so they can be just as happy as you someday.

George Clooney got engaged over the weekend.  Yes, the quintessential toxic bachelor of our generation who swore he would never get married again did in fact put a ring on it. And as a woman-- while I do feel it's kind of ridiculous to make a big deal out of this-- I also think it's kind of awesome.  Allow me to explain.  Warning: there is going to be a ton of analysis below that is based on absolutely nothing except for my own ridiculous assumptions.  Please read anyway. So for starters, I've never subscribed to the whole "he's single, because he's gay" rhetoric.  And I'm sure many people will claim getting a fiancee is just another beard.  I'm so confused by this theory.  Most closeted gay men in Hollywood actually get married right away and start families (ahem, Travolta).  Clooney's been single, because the man get more pussy than a gynecologist.  For the last however many years, we've watched him go through a string of relationships that seem to come with a two year expiration date.  Spanning the last decade there was Krista Allen (actress), Lisa Snowdon (model), Sarah Larson (cocktail waitress from Las Vegas), Elisabetta Cannalis (model), and Stacy Keibler (former professional wrestler).  I'm sure all of these women at one time or another received a disclaimer before they started dating George. It probably went something like this: we might date for the rest of our lives, but we'll never get married.  And I'm sure they all thought "it'll be different with me."  I sort of imagine most of their break ups occurred when each girlfriend pressed the commitment issue and Clooney was all like "I told you when we started this thing, I will NEVER marry you."  (Okay, it's also possible that say Clooney really wanted to marry a Sarah Larson or an Elisabetta Cannalis and they were like "no thanks, I don't want to settle down" but for the purposes of this analysis, let's just assume that's not the case.)  And then Clooney started dating Amal Alamuddin.  And within SIX MONTHS he nailed it down and proposed.  While Alamuddin is as stunning as all of his other girlfriends, there's one major difference about her.  Well, a few.  She's extremely well-educated and a very successful lawyer.  Girlfriend represents Julian Assange. She was born in the middle east.  She graduated from Oxford and NYU law.  She worked for Sonya Sotomayor.  She speaks three languages.  Let's just say we won't see her on Dancing with the Stars anytime soon.  As far as I'm concerned, this is a win for smart women everywhere.  Maybe it's cheesy to think about it in these terms, but then again Clooney is probably the most influential movie star of our time.  Getting engaged to Alamuddin sends a message that you have to be more than just a pretty face for a person to want to spend the rest of their life with you.  The only thing that would make this any cooler was if she was 46 instead of 36 (but then again, thank God she's not 26).  I also have to wonder if out of all of the women Clooney's dated, Alamuddin was the least interested in getting married. Think about it.  She has so many other things going on in her life that finding a man wasn't the end all/be all for her.  Side note, it also brings me great joy that she's a brunette.  Sorry, it does.  (Blonds can have the fun label.  I'll take interesting over fun any day.) So who knows if this will last.  But it does cheer me up when during the same weekend we heard the disgusting racist diatribes of the owner of The Clippers.  While I give his girlfriend some credit for arguing with him-- she also said "I'm sorry honey" one too many times because-- yeah, he's a racist but he's a rich racist.  But that is an entirely different post all together.

I kind of hate myself for liking this song.

 You stole my happy, you made me cry Took the lonely and took me for a ride And I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it You had my heart, now I want it back I'm starting to see everything you lack Boy you blew it, you put me through it I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it -Carrie Underwood, 2009

We've all had that friend.  The one who always seems to be getting herself (or himself) into terrible relationships.  At first, we might bite our tongues.  Maybe he's different when they're alone together.  We love who we love.  Who are we to judge?  But then it dawns on us...shit.  I might have to hang out with this person for the rest of my life. Consensus seems to be that you don't tell your friends if you like dislike their significant other unless they're putting themselves in danger by being with them and need a serious intervention.  Otherwise, you have to suck it up and let them figure it out for themselves.  I'm all for that.  But what do you do when you REALLY dislike the person they're dating and just don't want to hang out with them?  And/or when you're sick to death of consoling your friend over their relationship problems with said person? This is apparently what broke up the friendship between Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez.  And the boyfriend in question?  Justin freaking Bieber.  Gomez was apparently in rehab to try to get over Biebs, but as of Coachella they were currently on-again.  I can't for the life of me figure out what anyone would see in the guy.  He looks like he's twelve years old.  He pees in mop buckets and frequents whore houses.  If the rumors are true, then Taylor basically read Selena the riot act and said she couldn't be friends with her anymore.  And I don't blame her.  Girlfriend is busy.  She doesn't have time to listen to Selena whine about Justin only to watch her run back to him. And if you're a Real Housewives of Orange County fan, then you're very familiar with the saga of Brooks and Vicki.  Brooks is a total shade-meister and none of the women on the show can stand him, but Vicki keeps holding on.  Maybe it's because she's in her fifties and newly divorced-- but she's still dating a man who advised her son-in-law to beat her daughter when she got out of line.  Not all of my "I hate your boyfriend" experiences have been that extreme, but my friendships have definitely felt strained when unpopular significant others enter the frame.  One friend had a pattern of dating dudes who were on the socially awkward side.  Like, to the point where they didn't speak and it made everyone else around them really uncomfortable.  I know it seems like a small thing, but you don't want every dinner party or get together you throw to include that one person who alters the mood in a bad way.  I think I'm also at an age (33) where I'd rather be rude and hang out with the people I want VS be polite and hang out with people I'm not into. And then in more extreme cases, I've had friends who've done the on again/off again/on again thing with guys who were borderline abusing them.  My old roommate was dating a dude who would only show up for sex and only called when he needed a ride to the airport or if his car broke down.  He cheated.  He even pulled a Damone from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. And she was in LOVE with him.  I can't tell you how many times I listened to her cry over a guy who basically saw her as nothing more than a vagina.  It drove me nuts to spend time consoling her only to watch her fall back into his web so quickly.  I finally had to tell her that it was fine if she wanted to date him, but I didn't want to know about it or hear about it ever again.  She and I are still friends, but not nearly as close as we used to be. Have you guys ever had to BLOW OFF a friendship because of your friend's significant other?  If so, comment below!

Dudes: there's a lot you seem to still not understand about women.  And that's totally fine.  We're complicated creatures.  But I thought I'd try to make your lives a little less stressful by making this handy cheat sheet.  Obviously, some of the things on here may not apply to every single female out there, but even if you can start to acknowledge five items from the list, then you'll be in good shape. Good luck! 25.  When we talk about our problems, we really don't want you to give solutions.  We actually know what the solution is--- we just want to be comforted.  All you need to say is "That really sucks, I'm so sorry" (over and over again). 24.  It's really sweet when you hold our hand-- walking down the street, at the movies, on an airplane. It sort of makes us feel like together we can conquer the world. 23.  We take longer showers than you, because it takes time to shave our legs.  Mystery solved! 22.  Click here.  21. If we're pissed off at one of our friends, then we need you to also be pissed off on our behalf. Men used to go into battle to defend a woman's honor, we just need you to be like "ugh, what a bitch." 20. We know The Real Housewives franchise isn't on par with a show like Justified, but it's SO much more entertaining.  And we kind of love it when you watch it with us. #bookgate 19. Yes, we get it.  We walk slower than you.  We would still really like it if you didn't walk five feet ahead of us all the time.  (Bonus: The only time we'll ever walk faster than you is when we're extremely pissed off at you).  18. It's a cliché, because it's true: it's a huge turn on when you help us with housework. 17. Unless we're going through menopause, we are cold all the time.  Please turn down the AC. 16. Our nipples are sensitive.  Be gentle. 15. We will never get mad if you offer to help with our overhead luggage. 14. We really want you to like our friends.  We really don't want you to tell us which ones you think are hot. 13. Sometimes we HAVE to wear high heels.  And no they aren't comfortable.  They're never comfortable.  So please don't lecture us on how we shouldn't buy shoes that aren't comfortable.  12. Don't get annoyed when we have to pause Game of Thrones to ask questions.  We haven't read all the books and it's a confusing show.  But we'd totally be down if you started calling us Khaleesi. 11. Five minutes of cuddling after sex goes a long way.  10. Having kids changes our lives more than it changes yours.  I'm sorry, it just does.  Try to remember that.  (Okay, admittedly-- I don't have kids.  Moms, if you disagree with this statement, comment below). 9. We plan for the future all the time.  I don't even mean five years from now.  I mean, if we know we're going to be out of town next weekend, then we really want to see you this weekend.  We need you to take these things into consideration as well. 8. I'm not sure there's anything we hate more than being mimicked. 7. Getting a Brazilian wax is excruciatingly painful.  In return, you are basically required to camp out at our vaginas during sex. 6. There's a fine line between being friendly and flirting and we need you to learn the difference and then never cross the line. 5. Warning: if we seduce you and you reject us, we may never seduce you again.  We're very sensitive to sexual rejection.  Don't blame us, blame a society that's made us think men never turn down sex. 4. We want this conversation to be over too.  And it will be as soon as we feel better about whatever it is we're fighting about. 3. I don't even need to tell you guys not to hold our heads down during a BJ right because you totally already know that, right?  I mean, seriously.  What if we did that to you while you were going down on us?  2.  It takes us a long time to get ready, because aside from #23, we also have to put on body lotion, pluck our eyebrows, dry our hair, put on make up, get dressed, accessorize-- all things you don't have to deal with.  So...maybe you don't stand there impatiently and watch us the whole time?  Just sayin.  1. "You look fine" are three words we never want to hear ever.  Especially after we just went through all those rituals in #2. Ladies, anything I'm forgetting?  Comment below to add to the list!

It’s not the things you say It’s not the things you do It must be something more And if I feel this way for so long Tell me is it all for nothing Just don’t walk out the door. If I had a photograph of you, It’s something to remind me. I wouldn’t spend my life just wishing. -A Flock of Seagulls, 1983

Last week, we tackled the issue of open relationships and how (IMHO) they don't usually work.  But what about the notion of having multiple boyfriends?  I was reading an interview with Cameron Diaz (stay with me) and she was explaining that she has multiple girlfriends in her life that all fit different parts of her personality SO why not treat romantic relationships the same way?  Here's the quote from Diaz that actually made sense to me: "For some reason, we get into relationships and we expect one man to understand 'all' the parts of us and meet all of those needs. I think that's where everything fails." This is SO true.  I don't know that men necessarily have the same expectations from their partner, but I think women tend to fall to pieces when their significant others fall short in certain arenas of their life.  There are many ways the H-bomb and I are compatible, but I thought I'd indulge the idea of adding a few boyfriends to the mix to make his life easier...here are my choices:

Let's talk about three act structure, baby.

My writer boyfriend.  Let me preface this by saying that the H-bomb is a devoted BLOW OFF reader, but he doesn't have time to read all of my other writing endeavors.  Here's where JGL would come in.  Our dates would consist of hole in the wall cafes where we would read each other's screenplays and novels and wax poetic about catharsis and character arcs.  Also, he would totally read to me all the time.

no clue who this guy is, but great costume

My Halloween boyfriend.  This guy would just be around once a year so we could do an oh-so adorable couple's Halloween costume together.

Saaarye.

My rapper boyfriend.  I pick Kanye, because he would also pick out what I should wear everyday and he could get me front row seats at all the good fashion shows.  He would also drop my name in all of his rhymes and would wax poetic...about my ass.

#1 girl crush

My girlfriend boyfriend.  JLo is my number one girl crush.  I wouldn't even really need to have sex with her.  I would just like to watch her get ready every morning with her glam squad.  I feel like she'd be one of those girlfriends who would give really good pep talks and listen to me talk about my problems over and over again.  And she'd know when to be sympathetic and when to give me tough love.  And I'd get to borrow all of her clothes.

We're Persian, baby.

My Persian boyfriend.  I would break this guy out for all the crazy, big, obnoxious, loud, family parties. He would also cook me awesome Persian food all the time.

did you guys see him cry on Oprah?!

Oh, and Pharrell would be my miscellaneous boyfriend because WHY THE HELL NOT?  And that hat is everything. If you guys could have multiple boyfriends or girlfriends who would you add to your dating roster?  Comment below.

There are many aspects of a celebrity relationship that none of civilians will ever deal with or understand.  We don't have to make a statement about our break ups (though some of us still do on Facebook), we don't have to decide whether or not to walk the red carpet together, and we don't have to live in fear that "scheduling conflicts" will kill our undying love for each other. AND...we generally don't go on vacation together to celebrate our impending divorce. Okay, on some level, I sort of understand why Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin went to the Bahamas together.  The announcement that they were getting divorced crashed her website.  They needed to get away from the media frenzy.  Plus, they have kids so a family vacation was their way of saying "we're still a family" even though we'll eventually live in two different houses and add new spouses to the equation.  But Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt did the same thing right before they announced their split and they even brought Courtney Cox and David Arquette along with them. Um...let me think about that.  My friend asks me if Bry and I want to join her and her husband on their last vacation together as a married couple.  My response?  Oh hell no.  That sounds like the most awkward, sad, weird, will make me question my own marriage, kind of a getaway. SO why do people do this?  Is it to have one last hurrah or is it their last ditch effort to save their relationship?  Like, if we're surrounded by gorgeous beaches and palm trees and waterfalls-- AND we still can't make it work, then we're fucking doomed and might as well end it now.  Is this the same reason a lot of people end up breaking up on vacation?  If I was going through a divorce or if the break up writing was on the wall, the last person I'd want to go on vacation with would be a guy who's no longer interested in having sex with me.  I'd much rather gather all of my girlfriends and make them buy me margaritas and tell me how awesome I am all day long.  Wouldn't everybody?  I mean, come on Gwyneth.  You know Cameron Diaz had her bags packed and ready to go. What do you guys think?  Is a vacation a beautiful end to the relationship or just a really bad idea?  Comment below!