#s9e13

“Why do you think you feel so guilty about Buck getting kidnapped?” the therapist asks, and Eddie swallows. “It wasn’t your fault; if anything, you’re the reason he’s safe and alive right now. You saved him, Eddie.” “I know that now,” Eddie stresses, and his hand rolls into a fist. “But I didn’t. I didn’t even suspect Bonnie or Earl, I was so sure it was those homophobic assholes and I almost—” I almost missed him, he thinks. I almost left him with two psychopaths. “But you didn’t. And from what you’ve told me, there was no way for you to know it was the welcoming waitress who ran you off the road, rather than the hostile, prejudiced men you almost got into a fight with.” “I guess, but I just thought—” Eddie swallows. He doesn’t want to admit it to himself, least of all to anybody else. “I was so sure it was them, and they targeted Buck because—” “Because they thought you were a couple?” she suggests, and Eddie closes his eyes. “Because they thought we were a couple,” he confirms. “And does that bother you?” she asks, and Eddie’s eyes snap open. “Does that make you uncomfortable?” “No!” he bursts out. “I mean— Buck’s my best friend. I don’t care what other people think. People mistake us for a couple all the time, I don’t care about that. But it’s just— they thought… they thought I was…” Gay, Eddie thinks, and something in his chest wilts. They thought I was gay. “And you’re not, I assume?” I don’t know. I don’t know. Fuck, I don’t know. When Eddie doesn’t answer, she continues, “So what I’ve gathered is that you don’t care if people think you and Buck are a couple. The thing that bothers you is that they think you’re gay. Am I right?” “I’m not homophobic,” he insists, like he’s trying to convince himself. “I’m not. It’s just different when it’s—” When it’s me. “I never thought you were, Eddie.” “I was convinced— I was convinced it was because of me,” Eddie finally confesses, and it’s horrible, and it’s ugly, but it’s the truth. “What was because of you?” “That they thought we were gay,” Eddie says quietly. “That they thought we were a couple because of me. Because I…” “Because you what?” “I… I don’t know,” he ends, unsure. “I just— I was just so sure it was because of me.” “You said Buck’s bisexual. Wouldn’t it be more logical to assume it was because of Buck?” “No,” Eddie fires out before he can stop himself. “I–, well, Buck’s not like me. He’s not…” “He’s not what, Eddie?” “I… I don’t know. It’s just— it’s not the same. Nobody cared when he came out. It’s fine that he’s not straight.” “And people would care if you did? If you weren’t straight?” “But I am,” he says, a little too quickly. “But if you weren’t?” Eddie mulls the question over carefully, but comes up empty-handed. He doesn’t know what to tell her anymore. “Alright, Eddie. Our session is slowly coming to an end, and we’re scheduled for next week — but in the meantime, I’d like you to think about what we’ve discussed today, okay? Take your time. There’s no deadline on this.” “I can… I can do that,” he says, and swallows. “I’ll do that. Thanks.” It’s not like he’ll be able to think about anything else anyway. The drive home is too long. Or maybe not long enough. Eddie grips the steering wheel harder than necessary, knuckles paling as the therapy session loops in his head. He can’t shake it. Because they thought we were a couple. Does that bother you? “No,” he mutters to the empty car. The one he bought just to get to Buck. “No, it doesn’t.” It doesn’t. It shouldn’t. It’s just Buck. And that kind of stuff happens to best friends all the time, right? …Right.

"You didn't save me for me, you saved me for you. You don't want to be alone."