#s289

Zellige 289 - Triangolo 3/8

This is such a typical picture but it sticks out in my mind as one of the most pivotal moments of my life. Late 2010 or early 2011.

I love this horse unicorn to death. I did since the moment I met him. I didn’t think I could love another horse like I love Casper but he blew my skepticism out of the water. I can count on one hand, maybe two, the number of people I love equally or more than him (and her).

This pic was after I graduated. So I don’t even know why I was there on a Saturday. Probably a half-hearted effort to look for comfort. His other rider had to catch a flight, so she asked if I would grain him after her ride. I sat there on the dead grass while he grazed….

And I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not really numb, just… blank. And maybe a little bit defeated. But that’s when I knew something was terribly wrong. I should’ve felt overjoyed just to bask in his presence, like I always had….

I had been in denial that I was experiencing worse and worse symptoms of depression. I was ignorant at the time and thought emotions were for sissies and mental illnesses were for ‘weaker’ people. Or people who had been through traumatic events. Not for a 4.2 GPA student who had lived a charmed life–I had a sound mind. Right? There’s no way I could’ve had depression….

So this was the moment I realized, yes, I have depression. And out of sheer longing to be happy in the presence of my horses again, I swallowed my pride and went to the university health center the very next Monday and began the long process (years) of diagnosis (turns out it’s type 2 bipolar disorder) and finding the exact right cocktail and dosages of meds that work for me.