#s221

He was a newly graduate architect, he used to go in the same church as I was. He was this older mysterious guy almost everyone has a crush on. He went to a different branch of the church and we just saw him on special events that joined the branches. He was evasive, with that expensive smile no one can afford. He wasnt that tall, but he was able to carry himself like he was as tall as the other guys. One of my friends used to brag that she was dating him, but we never fully believed her. Maybe we were just in denial.

I was just new in the church then, just a year old since I came back. I was very active with the activities, and got along with everyone else. After 2 years I was able to raised to a certain position such as a youth leader. I never got to see him that often as he never passed my mind again, since that day he went out of the men’s cr 2years ago while the rest of the girls were whispering about him.

1year later I left the church, for reasons I dont want to expand. Then the chat invite came that would later messed up with my brain.

He said hi, do you know me? I said, yes I know of you, but I dont believe weve met. He said, I used to see you in church, where are you now? I just replied, I left.

Then after that we chatted for hours, for days, sometimes we would talk everytime he’s on line, sometimes we just ignore each other. Friendster came and we decided to meet. We went to see a movie, but he was as silent and evasive as he was on chat. He had a longer hair, which took away his boyish charm. He said he just came back from a contract in Dubai, and he grew his hair, because arabs used to hit on him. I dont know if he’s serious about it but it was funny at that time. He said his height and his face makes him look like a boy instead of a man. I told him he looks better with short, but he just shrugged it off.

After that we used to go out to movies once a month or every few months. We used to text, chat, and call. We used to talk about mundane, petty things but never the serious stuff. I asked him if they were dates, he never answered directly. It was so tiring but I ignored it. Its the feeling of having this constant pseudo relationship with a guy. I dont know what to call what we have. Were not dating, but we do these things. I had my string of relationships while he remained single. He used to scold me everytime i get my heart broken. I get mad at him for doing so, I told him he didnt have any rights to talk to me that way when he’s single all the time.

Then I left the city to study in the province. He still maintained communication but I wanted to cut it off. I was having these feelings im not supposed to have. I compensated these feelings by having flings or boyfriends. I know him, he doesnt want a commitment. He just like the sense of having to go out with a girl and not have any commitment or drama.

3years later, I was back in the city again. He messaged me on FB askinng how i was, I was single then so I dont see anything wrong so I entertained him again. Then we got back to going out again. He would take me to movies and dinners in different parts of the city. He insisted on taking me home by taxi even if it was a ling way from where he lives. He would always text and call me. We used to exchange photos on vibr. He would express his care subtly by jokes. Our late night conversations would be sweet but shallow, as if he doesnt want to go deeper. He would always joke about feelings with me, and me, feeling mature, decided to confront him. He told me he just came from a long term relationship and the girl went abroad and left him. He doesnt want any commitment.

I always ask him if theres any other girls he takes out, he said no. Then I asked him, why must I be the unlucky girl? He said he didnt know. He just likes to be with me. I said Im falling for him, he said he doesnt deserve me, that he was too old for me. I told him 8years doesnt matter. He said it does. I told him, if he doesnt want to go any further, he needs to let me go. He didnt say anything. I said I need to move on because I know ill be hurt in the process. He didnt say anything. I stopped the communication, i went to go out with the next guy and I blocked him from anything.

6mos after I found myself heartbroken again. He was instantly there as if he knew what was happening with me all along. I didnt go out with him that much, I was busy with problems and work. We would go out, as if nothing happend. He was like this addiction I cant quit. I was careful with him this time. I dont trust him with my heart anymore though I know I still have these feelings for him that never left.

3mos, I told him some guy was pursuing me at work, he just joked about it. I told him that to see if he’ll ask me to stop. Because i know if he would, i would stop dating this guy anytime. But he didnt, he just made fun of it even if I can see in his actions that he’s jealous. He wouldnt say it.

So I continued dating this guy and eventually got into a relationship with him, without telling him anything. I was still waiting for him to say anything. All he said was I was important to him andhe cares for me a lot. It wasnt enough for me. I want him to admit he liked me and he have feelings for me and he doesnt want me to go out with this guy. But he didnt.

I went out with him, for what I didnt know was the last time. We went for a movie, then dinner then we went to a coffee shop. I said ill wait for my brother to pick me up so he didnt have to take me home or wait with me. He said he wanted to. I just shrugged it off. We just talked and talked. Then he got silent, then he asked me to take a picture with him. I was shocked. Not that im over reacting but all those years he never asked for a picture together.

You see, thats our thing. No one knew about us. Its like we are each other’s secret. Though we have a lot of common church acquaintance, no one knew we even know each other, yet alone talked or went out. For everyone, were just strangers to each other. Thats how we lasted all these years.

Now he was asking for a photo. I stared at him, jaw dropped. I asked him amusingly why. He said that we might not see each other for a long time. I was taken aback, maybe he found out that I have a boyfriend already. But he said the one thing I was afraid of the most.

He was going abroad. Yes, im used to him going in and out of the country all those years. Dubai, UAE, Japan, Korea, for work purposes. He would even go around the philippines without telling me, he would be gone for weeks without communication. I was used to that, I got mad at first but he reminded me that he wasnt obliged to anything to me. So I got used to it. But this time, its for good.

Singapore. He said he had a job opportunity and it was for good. I joked that maybe he would see his ex there finally. He said they didnt have any communication so thats impossible. I just joked about it but in reality I was hurt. It was like he’ll be out of my life for good. I always leave him but he comes back all the time. I know he was just always there. But now i know he wouldnt. He said that this time he would be serious and he’ll give me the serious conversation I’ve been asking him all these years. I asked him, straight out, if he ever had any feelings for me. He said, as he looked at his coffee, that he did. But he just cant see himeslef being with me, because of the age and his insecurities. I told him that none of that mattered, he was 30, an established architect and with a stable, independent life. He said it wasnt enough. I told him, I wasnt enough. You didnt think I was enough or the one. He said its not like that, I said it was exactly that. Then we were silent for a few moments. He said he loved me but he just cant be in a relationship. I just chuckled to myself while staring at my coffee.

He said, after he settled, after 2mos, he’ll come back to the philippines, and that he’ll see me. I said I have a boyfriend now.. He was silent then he told me that he would still see me. After two months. He doesnt care how but he would even if i have a boyfriend. He made me promise. He said we will go to bora, just the two of us. He said that its a long due promise to me that he never got to fulfill. I said okay.

We took the picture and my brother came and we left. We said goodbye as I avoided his stare.

He texted me he loved me. My boyfriend saw it and he made me cut him off. I argued with it for a long time but I did. 2mos after, I urged myself not to contact him, i convinced myself I was happy in my current relationship even if I was miserable. Months passed and I somehow forgot about it.

Until a month ago. I saw it in my newsfeed. The wedding of the year, as they put it. It was in a secluded resort in Batangas, a beach wedding. All our mutual church friends was there. It was his wedding. I just stared at the pictures. It was with his ex. I got so mad, i dont know why or to whom.

Then I received a text from vibr, it was him. He just tested if the number was still working. I congratulated him. He said thanks.

I asked him, since when? He said they met in SG. He said he wasnt able to come back after 2mos because he was tied up at work, but he was able to in December. He said he looked for me, for he has a promise. I said I cant. I explained everything. He said at that time they already met, but he needed to come back to the Philippines first. He looked for me the best way he can, for 2mos, until he needed to come back to work.

I jokingly asked him why didnt he invited me. He said he cant. That if he saw me in his own wedding he might do the unthinkable. I said that was bullshit and laughed. He said it wasnt and he laughed.