#ryf rants

You know something that makes me sad in a very bitter way? Finding out someone you followed for their wonderful fan creations, stopped making those specific things because the drama got to be too much.

I've seen it way too many times. It sucks! And yeah, I'm not gonna lie and say that the fan content itself isn't a big reason why (I mean DUH). But there's something so, SO much worse. It's that their enjoyment, the passion for something they loved was just... stripped away. All that enthusiasm, all that energy they put in to sharing something they found joy in. Just dead in the water.

It hurts to see that. It hurts to think about all the times I had something similar happen to me, and to understand what it's like to give something like that up.

I think that's part of why I try so SO hard not to let my own mind drag me into indulging with the drama beyond acknowledgement. I'm already sick to death of being unable to enjoy thing as much as I once did due to depression. Why would I ever want to let someone else, on their own or in a mob, take that enjoyment away, too?

I think that's also to do with my own regret of not letting myself enjoy the things I like for fear of being judged harshly by my peers, past and present. It's why I kept my enjoyment of Sonic and (to a slightly lesser extent) Pokemon so close to my chest for so long. It's also why it took until Sonic Forces came out for me to finally let myself create something resembling a Sonic OC. I'm trying to finally let myself indulge and have FUN again.

I guess in a way it's a sort of projection? It's hard for me to give a real answer.

All the same, it just... it hurts to see a community member go.

I wish I could help them rekindle their enjoyment.

Okay, so, where to begin...

Well, to get the biggest thing out of the way, I’m losing trust in my mother rapidly. She’s been making a lot of... questionable decisions lately. The one that sticks out most in my mind was earlier this month. I ended up with a small amount of money on my debit card, and she asked me if we could use it to pay for gas that upcoming Monday. I agreed, but told her I didn’t have that much on it repeatedly throughout that weekend. Monday comes around, and as we are on the way to the gas station I asked her how to stop filling our truck once we hit the limit that I had on my card. She refused to answer me straight, and asked me if I wanted to pick up a sandwich when we got there. So we get to the gas station and we start the process of filling up. She hands me some money to go get a sandwich, and I ask her to stop filling up once we reach the limit. I got my sandwich and returned to find that she didn’t stop filling the tank when I asked her to, and instead filled the tank full. I go to confront her about it, and she decides to cut me off because she has to leave or she’ll be late for a job meeting. So I end up walking a couple mile home with my sandwich because she didn’t have time to drop me off AND make it to her meeting on time. I get home, I go to check my debit account to see exactly how much she overcharged it, and I’m fuming until she gets home. Then I finally go to confront her about it, and she finally starts being honest with me. She acknowledged that she should not have overcharged, BUT that really didn’t mean squat. The reason she was so dodgy with her answers on the way to the gas station was that she fully intended to overcharge my debit card because she felt she needed to in order to have enough gas for the rest of the month. She attempts to calm me down and promises to pay me back on the first.

Now, why would I still be upset about this, even though she promised to pay me back? It’s because I’m not the only person she’s borrowed money from in the past couple of months. She always promises to pay them back, but she hasn’t fully paid any of them back. I have trouble believing she would even pay me back at all, considering that she has a nasty habit of breaking her promises. Why would she even pay me back when she’s got other stuff to spend her money on?

It’s my fault for being so naive. I should’ve said no. I can’t even pay this stuff back on my own because I’m still unemployed. I’m still trying to figure out how to fill out a resume and a job application. In fact, that’s another thing she promised to do: help me get a job. Has she done that? Nope, she’s been too busy working and watching tv in her room to do so. I’m pretty sure she expects me to do this stuff on my own at this point, and she’s just refusing to tell me. She had a nickname when she was younger. Her siblings and even her mother would always call her “the Liar”. Now that I’m old enough to break the rose-tinted lenses I’ve seen her through for so long, I’m starting to wonder if that nickname still applies...