It's time for the public journal entry again, I think I like doing those every once in a while, this is my blog after all lmao
I spent almost half of June with my best friend (is it time to start calling my friends by initials in my posts now? my best friend is Em.) and it was very good as always, we were busy but in a good way; we went to Pride, we played a lot of Tomodachi Life, we had some great evening walks and watched films and had great talks and silly goofy time and it was very very nice, though the weather was horrible coz it was the heatwave and we couldn't leave the house before 18. I was soaking wet after Pride, I had droplets of sweat dripping down my chest and stomach. I have no idea how the puppy boys in masks survived that.
Some days after that, my other friend (Mu, the one that goes to gigs with me, always takes care of me and is a huge sweetheart) invited me to a queer hang-out and I talked to people! I think they liked me! And then I went with them to see a DJ set of Mu's friend and it was so good and later he introduced me to her and she was so fucking sweet, she asked me questions and made me feel included, hope I get to see her again some day! It was a really nice hang-out in general, I'd like to go again to something like that if I get the chance!
I also got my first piercing!!! Standard lobe in one ear, it took me so long coz I was always feeling very icky about having metal in my ears (I don't mind the act of piercing itself) but I finally convinced myself and I feel stupid now coz I can't even feel it. I was always sure that because of *the type of autism that I have* I will be aware of it and feel very icky all the time but I keep forgetting and messing with it when I put my shirt on! I don't feel icky at all!
I have a little star in it for now but I can't wait for when it heals and I can wear a spiky huggie or a large star! And because it doesn't bother me at all, I already planned to get an upper lobe next year so I can wear a spiky huggie and a star at the same time!
It feels very correct for me to have it though, I like how it looks, I feel more like myself.
I'm seeing Birds in Row in September! That's pretty exciting! And before that I'm seeing Tension and Uncertainty with Mu in August and I'm planning to be brave and wear eyeliner to that gig, for the first time outside of the house, and Mu will probably wear it too so I feel more confident!
I've been into boys in eyeliners for years (not the heavy mid-00s pop punk eyeliner; the lighter shapy ones or just smudged, I also like the 80s post punk eyeliner) and I finally bought myself a sparkly brown one and gave it a try and. Well. I look just as hot as the boys I've been attracted to. Fucking hell it really is that easy. All men look hot in eyeliner and that includes me. lmao
I didn't really know what I was doing when I put it on for the first time though, but now it's easy, just had to learn where exactly it should go under my lid so it looks good, guess it's a bit different for every eye shape.
uhhh I have my first big boy crush now? I mean it's been going on for like half a year now but it's just very funny in general (it's non-romantic in case anyone who follows me somehow wasn't aware that I'm aro lmao. I know that people call platonic crushes "squishes" but I don't feel like having a separate term for that).
I'm learning so many new things about myself, like I wasn't aware I can go batshit insane over someone posting a photo of themselves on ig stories or that I can get a huge dumb fucking smile on my face because someone made an expression like the guy I'm crushing on and it reminded me of him or that just thinking about him can make me want to chew on tyres. I genuinely never experienced this stuff before and people were right - this is so much fun! It makes me happy and giddy! And you *do* actually feel it in your stomach!
I've only seen him irl twice and had the tiniest fucking interaction because I was *A COWARD*, I was mostly glancing at him discreetly (well at least I hope it was discreet) and Mu was fucking grinning at me whenever this guy was walking past us lmao
But I like how openly I talk about it to my friends and how we already have inside jokes and memes about this whole situation, I love it just being a thing now! Man I love being a faggot!
oh and me and Em joined like a… queer tabletop games club? in a city neither of us lives in but we can both easily travel to. It's pretty fun, it started in May and happens once a month so we think it's only gonna get better and that we will end up with a solid crew eventually! if they'll keep it going that is.
and I FINALLY bought myself Eurosport player for a month after like, 4 years, so I can actually watch Tour de France again instead of just watching and reading stage summaries as usual. I absolutely have no time for it and I will probably watch less than a half, but I'm trying to watch a full stage like once a three days and watch summaries for the ones in-between. I missed watching tdf so much, it's been always a summer staple in my family and me and my brother love to talk about it!
also my spider died :c
In April 2023 a walnut orb-weaver started living in the crack of the building facade just right outside my window and I grew so attached to her. In 2024 she had a huge batch of tiny babies, one of which still lives here with me, on the opposite side of the window. She survived -20°C, she survived a swift trying to make a nest next to her, but she didn't survive the heatwave at the end of June. I still saw her on the net before I left to visit Em and when I came back she was gone. She was old, I don't think that orb weavers usually live that long, so that's no surprise that the almost 40°C was too much for her. I genuinely miss her, I loved seeing her outside of my window.
I think that's mostly it.
This year I've became the main caretaker of a chronically-sick family member while also being disabled myself so I have so much more to do every day than I ever had and it's very difficult and I'm not gonna lie, I'm really really struggling and I barely have time and energy for anything but it is what it is. I'm trying to get these little fun things for myself when I can though, just to get out of the house and travel to a city to hang out with other people and since I can't see myself planning much ahead of time right now, it's just what I'm hoping to do for the foreseeable future - travelling for the gigs and events and hangouts and hoping I will become a part of some community in that way. Like I really fucking need people in my life now, more than ever, despite having less time and energy and not even being able to reply to my online friends. Glad there are hardcore shows and queer events/hangouts happening regularly tho, so I can just go when I have money and a place to stay for the night.
