#ryanosaur

Mum: Go outside for once! Get some fresh air!

Me: ok fine, mum.

okay, this is going to be a usual un-organised rant from me. I'm sorry for clogging up your dash, and I'm pretty sure nobody will read this anyway, which is good. But, it's coming up to my one-month with my girlfriend and, as usual, my brain is fucking me around. It happens everytime I date someone. I just fuck everything up, everytime. This is why I don't date much. I only had 4 hours sleep last night, after bike-riding for four hours. One should sleep more, but I couldn't. Too much on my fucking mind.

She never calls me, unless I ask. I always have to call. Call me needy, but I believe I should talk to my girlfriend once a day. And seeing as I can't get on facebook at all, the phone is my second-best option. I want to talk to her, she lights up my day. But thinking about it now, I feel like I'm annoying her. I call once a day, and she's nearly never there, or nobody answers. I hate this feeling. I hate needing someone.

She never compliments me, just compliments others. This really pisses me off, because I need compliments from people. It's stupid, but I like to feel like people do like me, and I try to please people. I like getting nice comments from people, and more especially her, because my family has never complimented me. My mum called me fat the other day, no kidding. I just like to feel like people do actually like the things I do, and like the person that I am.

I like being on people's minds. I love it. I love when people think about me, and they tell me. I just want to be on that somebody's mind when they're not with me, and them wanting to be with me. It is one of the greatest feelings in the world, being thought about. It makes me feel great, makes me feel like I can actually be normal.

I'm so psychologically fucked up, it's not even funny. I have so much wrong with me. I need to always have the right fork and knife when we eat dinner, I always drink from the same cup, I sleep on the same side of the bed, I need headphones in to sleep, I need to read before sleeping, I need all my posters to not be hanging off, I need my shoes to be clean, I need my shirt to be big, I chew my nails all the time, I need to use the same shampoo and conditioner. My parents are so fucked, they fight all the goddamn time. Some would say I'm lucky, to have two parents who live together, but they don't, really. They just stay in the same house because they have nowhere else to go. My dad has actually slept in the room next to mine a few times. As far as marriage goes, I don't believe theirs is doing so well. I actually want to leave my house, and I'm going to, the minute I get enough money to support myself through school and everything.

Sex. Alright, I know how everyone believes that all guys want sex, but I don't. I actually don't want anyone near my genitals. I have horrible self-esteem. Hell, I just started wearing shorts again. Normally in Summer, I'd be in skinnies. I hate being shirtless and that means I barely swim. If with friends and I'm swimming, I only take my shirt off if I'm comfortable with the people I'm with. I'm nowhere near the skinniest guy, but I'm not fat. I don't have a six-pack, or a cupcake belly. I just don't like myself at all. I've never actually told anyone any of this, but I may as well now.

Self-harm. Fuck self-harm. Fuck it. The last time I did it, was a few weeks ago, and the only reason I don't want to anymore is because of my little brothers. They would get so freaked out, and I couldn't do it to them. I'm not one to be moping around, all depressed. I stay in my room and blast music, and just read. It stops myself from self-harming. The feeling of cutting is one that I've not found an alternative. It is actually the best thing, when it relieves the pressure. But, I need to stop. The above three topics have been happening since I began high school, 3 years ago.

Blacking-out. Okay, so more recently (the past 5 months), I've been blacking-out more frequently. At the start it was once a day, but now it's gotten to the point where it happens a minimum of 5 times a day. It's crazy, the feeling of blacking-out. It's hard to explain. It's not like passing out, but just not being there. When it happens I feel like I'm there forever, but when I snap out of it, it's actually been close to no time passing at all. That's the best way to describe it. It's just creepy and I don't actually know what to do. Nothings actually there, the place that I go, it's just nothing. I don't close my eyes, I just sit there. It's a good and a bad feeling.

Well, I don't actually have anything else to rant/talk about, so this is it. If you can help me with any of this, please do, but I'm not begging for help. I will hope I'll get through this. Thank you, for reading, if you have. x

ohohohoh! And all my books came and I read them all already! The books are;

Looking For Alaska

The Perks Of Being A Wallflower - Hardcover Edition

Dash & Lily's Book Of Dares

The Realm Of Possiblity

Now, with Perks and Alaska, I'd already read them, but I really wanted the books! :3

I also bought Of Mice & Men, To Kill A Mockingbird and like the latest Skulduggery Pleasant. I've finished Skulduggery and now I'm onto OM&M and Mockingbird.

Reviews!!!~~~ {most will include spoilers, sorrynotsorry}