#ryanave

It’s something that happens a few times throughout the day, if it makes you happy to hear.

Alessa pushes his own hair from his face, letting her hands rest on his shoulders. "Come on, let's get you out before you freeze."

Holden ignores her words, leaning forward to press his lips to hers insistently.

Alessa 's eyes widen when he kisses her, but quickly relaxes into it and tightens her grip around his neck.

Holden 's arms wrap tightly around Alessa's waist, pressing her tightly to him as he kisses her, coaxing her mouth open with his tongue gently.

Alessa sighs into the kiss, wrapping her legs around Holden's waist and parting her lips and slipping her own tongue into his mouth. Groaning softly, she pulled back, resting her forehead against his. "We should probably get out." She mumbled, pressing her lips to his again.

Holden shakes his head as she pulls away. "Nope." He mumbles against her lips, letting his hands roam her back as he kisses her again, pressing himself to her.

Alessa groans again, running her hands through his hair and arches her back slightly. "Holden..." She half protested, half sighed as her arms slipped off his shoulders and down his back.

Holden lips move from hers across her cheek and down her neck when she pulls away and mumbles his name, his teeth nip the sensitive skin just below her ear, sucking gently and flicking his tongue over the spot.

Alessa tilts her head to side, eyes slipping shut and she shivers when his teeth drag along her flesh. "Seriously," She moans softly. " We should..." Her voice trailed off and her nails dug into his back slightly.

Holden continues his exploration of her skin. "We should what, darling?" He mumbles against her skin, his hands roaming her back.

Alessa sighs. "Get out, but you're very distracting." She murmured, leaning her head down to press her lips along his neck and shoulder.

Holden grins against her skin. "I think we're just fine here." He whispers, running a hand down her stomach and into her underwear, letting his fingers brush against her gently.

Alessa "Yeah, but yo--" Her words cut off with a sharp inhale as her stomach contracts and his hand slips into her underwear. Nipping the skin on his shoulder, she swore softly before sucking on the spot and tried to keep her hips from rolling into his hand.

Holden smirks, letting his fingers go to work stroking her, one circling her clit and the other teasing her entrance. "Still want to get out, love?" He growls, kissing her neck.

Alessa gasps at his teasing and rolling her eyes at his words. Grinding her hips against his hand, her own moved from his back and down his chest, slipping into his shorts, her slender fingers lightly running over his length. "Don't tease me, darling." She grumbled in return. "I tease back." Whispering into his ear, she grinned and nipped his earlobe.

Holden lets out a groan as Alessa's hand slide into his shorts and strokes him. "Fuck." He moans, his hips pushing forward and his fingers sliding into her.

Alessa bites down on her lip, seriously wondering how well sound carries across a lake. Drawing in a shaky breath as his fingers push into her, she sighs, "Dio mio..."

Holden moves to push his shorts down his legs, tugging her underwear to the side and pressing himself against her, sliding against her and letting out a soft moan before kissing her softly.

Alessa presses her forehead to Holden's, letting out another gasp that turned into a moan as her hips rolled into his. Returning his kiss, she nips at his lip and smirks against his lips.

Holden presses forward and slides inside her, letting out a strangled gasp. "Fuck." He repeats against her lips, shuddering as he pushes into her further.

Alessa breaks away from Holden's lips momentarily. "Oh my God..." She muttered, crashing her lips back onto his and groaning against them, much louder than originally intended.

Holden smirks as she moans, snapping his hips forward aggressively, shuddering against her and keeping his arms wrapped around her.

Alessa tilts her head back, hands gripping his shoulders tightly. "Jesus Christ, Holden..." She whimpered, lifting her head back upright to kiss him roughly.

Holden moans against Alessa's lips as she whimpers his name and kisses him again. He doubles his efforts, rapidly approaching release, one of his hands coming down to let his thumb circle her clit.

Alessa moves her hands to tangle into Holden's hair and arches her back when he moves to rub her clit. Breaking away from his lips her breathing becomes shallow and uneven and her stomach muscles clench. "I'm -- Fuck." She groans, her body shuddering lightly before tensing up, finally falling over the edge with a string of swear words mixed with Holden's name.

Holden is dragged over the edge as Alessa clenches around him and swears his name. He gasps out her name and lets his forehead press to her shoulder, teeth digging lightly into her skin. He tries to calm his breathing, barely able to keep his legs under him.

Alessa 's chest heaves, her fingers still running through Holden's hair gently. Pressing a kiss to the side of his head, she sighed and moved her legs from around his waist. "Come on, lovely. Let's get you in dry clothes, huh?"

Holden shudders, taking deep breaths and letting his eyes close for a long second, his heart pounding almost painfully. He nods, lightheaded. "Yeah." He mumbles as they slowly get out of the lake.

Alessa leads Holden out of the lake and onto the shore, sitting him down gently. "Don't move." She murmurs, running to get their stuff before coming back to sit next to him. "How're you feeling?"

Holden shut his eyes and takes long deep breaths through his nose, trying to calm his racing heart. He opens his eyes as Alessa sits next to him. "M'fine." He murmurs, feeling his whole body start to get sore.

Alessa folds his shirt up in her lap and runs her hand up and down his back and she studies him. "That wasn't very convincing." She sighs, pressing her lips to his head as she moved behind him, her hands loosening the muscles of his back.

Holden starts to relax as Alessa's hands rub his back. He takes a long shuddering deep breath. "It's just a lot.." He murmurs, throughly exhausted as well as unbelievably sore. "Can we just.. nap here for a while?" He asks, his head leaning against Alessa's shoulder.

Alessa runs her hands over his shoulders and down his arms, closing her eyes for a moment. "I know, sweetheart. I know." Reaching for his shirt, Alessa tapped his shoulder. "Yeah. We can nap, but shirt on first or you'll freeze."

Holden nods, taking the shirt and tugging it over his head. "Back to camp first. Dry pants and blankets." He mumbles, forcing himself to his feet.

Alessa pulls on her own clothes and grabs Holden's backpack and notebook, slinging the bag over her shoulders. "You good?" She asks, slipping an arm around his waist.

Holden kisses Alessa's temple. "Mhmm." He mumbles in response as they start the trek back to camp

Alessa smiles softly, keeping her arm around Holden as they walk back and helping him into the tent when they finally do get back.

Holden changes into dry athletic shorts and curls against the pile of pillows on the ground. "Stay with me?" He mumbles.

Alessa changes into her own dry clothes and smiles, curling up next to Holden. "Where else would I stay, darling?" She whispered, kissing his forehead.

Next Day

Alessa is a awake and laying in the tent because too tired to move. Yep.

Holden is right there with her, his leg thrown over hers.

Alessa turns her head, nudging his jaw with her nose. "Morning? Er, afternoon? What time is it?"

Holden kisses her gently. "Mm, not a clue."

Alessa smiles. "Mmmkay." She mumbles, burying her face in the crook of his neck.

Holden rolls over and pins Alessa beneath him. "G'morning." He mumbles against her neck, brushing his scruff against her skin.

Alessa squeals softly. "Holden!" Laughing, she wiggles when his scruff tickles her neck. "Morning, darling." She giggles, slipping her hands over his shoulders.

Holden continues to pepper her neck with kisses. "Yes, love?"

Alessa can't stop giggling. "That..tickles!"

Holden smirks. "You said you liked the scruff." He whispers, nipping at her earlobe.

Ryan casually throws a pillow at both of them. "Other people are in the tent too." he teases.

Alessa sighs happily. "I do! I'm just very ticklish." She murmured back, laughing when Ryan throws a pillow at them. "Sorry Ry Guy. In all fairness, he started it!"

Holden turns and gives Ryan a grin. "Do you need kisses too, Ryan?" He teases.

Ryan smiles back at both of them and stretches a little, shaking his head. "I'm sure he did. But I couldn't resist saying something." Eyes Holden playfully, "Who'd say no to kisses? But if you guys are up, maybe i'll try to sleep now."

Holden smirks. "Well I'm certainly up." He says with a wink, grinding against Alessa. "Sleep, darling and you can have kisses later."

Ryan snickers at the innuendo, vaguely wishing he had another pillow to throw. "Outside. Both of you. S'impossible to sleep next to live porn. Feel free to come cuddle after though."

Alessa pouts playfully when Holden offers Ryan kisses because greedy, but laughs at Ryan's reply. "Sleep, punk--" Her words drop of into a muffled groan. "You're an ass." She whispers, lightly biting his neck and grinning. She laughs again at Ryan and pushes against Holden's shoulders. "C'mon. Let's be nice and let him sleep." Alessa grins, winking at Ryan and tossing the pillow back.

Holden rolls off of Alessa in between her and Ryan, kissing Ryan's cheek and wrapping an arm around both of them. "You both can spoon, I'm going to take a walk."

Alessa groans as he rolls off of her and follows the pull of his arm, nuzzling into his side. Her body stiffens when he says he's going for a walk. "Sorry if I sound like I'm mom-ing you, because I'm going to for two seconds. You sure you don't want company considering yesterday...?

Ryan smiles again at Holden's antics, but it's wiped off pretty fast by his words. He opens his mouth to say something, but Alessa's already beat him to it so he just waits quietly which seems to be his norm of late. But lines and he's trying not to cross 'em. So he snuggles into Holden's other side and waits.

Holden sighs. "I don't have anything left in the bag, you saw it." He mumbles slightly petulantly, not getting up yet

Alessa bites her lip and sighs. "I know. I just...I worry about you." She presses a light kiss to the underside of his jaw and sighs.

Ryan glances up, unsure if or what they'd talked about and isn't sure now is the time or place and goddamn all these confusing layers to having friends. "You should stay." He says simply, "I changed my mind....'cause holy crap you're really comfy. I forgot."

Holden clenches his jaw and shuts his eyes, staying where he is. "Okay." He murmurs, settling back and trying to stop the sharp pain in his head and the ache of his body.

Alessa props herself up on an elbow, moving her free hand to run through his hair lightly and staying silent.

Ryan can't really ignore the tension in the other's body and feels bad for making him stay still. "If it'll help I can wake Jay up and we can give you guys the tent. I don't - want to make it worse. S'easier if you're distracted I know. So I can go? Or we could talk about it. Or..... m'rambling again."

Holden wraps his arm tighter around Ryan. "Don't do that. Stay. I'll tell you if I need something." He mumbles, shutting his eyes again as Alessa's fingers run through his hair. "If it's bothering you, I can go, no one likes withdrawal Holden, I know." He mumbles, sighing.

Alessa frowns when Ryan offers to leave, really not looking forward to dealing with this on her own because; hello, terrified. She sighs, thankful Holden tells him to stay but shakes her head when he says he can go. "You're not going anywhere, love. And I like withdrawal Holden just as much as regular Holden." Snuggling up to his side again, Alessa kept her hand in his hair and pressed her lips to his shoulder, letting her eyes slip shut.

Ryan bites his lip as he feels the arm tighten around him and shoots a 'seriously' look up at him. "You didn't tell me you were struggling. Which pot kettle. But still. You can, you know that, right?" Of all of them, Holden had the least to lose with him. And had also seen Ryan in all his worst states. "Nope. You're never a bother, Haldir. I just...don't wanna intrude or anything. But ditto. I like all the you's."

Holden doesn't respond, just lays there, his muscles clenching and spasming slightly and painfully. "Can I just.." He trails off, shaking his head. "Nothing"

Alessa sits up, brow creasing with worry. "Can you what?"

Ryan tenses slightly but sits up too and wishes they had a bathtub. Maybe towels soaked in hot water and massages would sorta do the same thing. "Spit it out."

Holden shifts uncomfortably and tries to relax his muscle. "I was gonna say do coke but.."

Jay walks in nonchalantly with coffee or something.

Ryan perks up at the smell of coffee. Or the sight of his boyfriend. Either or.

Holden clenched his jaw. "Because I can't think straight right now." He grumbles, shutting his eyes and fidgeting.

Ryan smiles slightly, "Do I think straight ever?" Gently keeps running his hands over skin, trying to give a slight distraction. "Whats going through your head? Spit it out and we can sort it out and straight it up if ya want."

Holden swallows hard before taking a shuddering breath and moving quickly to get out of the tent, needing air. He holds his head in his hands, the bright light on the water making his head pound.

Ryan curses. S'hard to remember that normal people don't need the same things he does. But he waits a few beats before climbing out and just folding his arms and waiting. He could stop talking, but he wasn't going to let Holden run off in the woods alone again.

Holden hears someone come out of the tent and glances back at Ryan. "Go sleep, Ryan." He says. "I'm fine." He adds, shutting his eyes.

Ryan sits in front of the tent, casually glancing towards the lake.

Holden looks over at Ryan again. "I'm serious, Ryan." He half-growls.

Ryan shrugs. "Serious that you're fine? Alright. M'just sitting here."

Holden clenches his jaw and grabs his backpack before walking quickly into the woods.

Alessa wakes up, miraculously, in time to see Holden bolt for the woods. Sighing, she looks at Ry. "Go after him or think he needs time?" It was her instinct to run after him, but Alessa wasn't sure where concern ended and clingy started...

Ryan sighs again and pushes himself to his feet, giving Holden a few paces head start before going to follow. A black eye in his near future or not, he wasn't going to go running through the woods looking for someone for the third day in a row.

Ryan turns and nods. "Go after."

Alessa nods. Pulling her hair up into a ponytail she runs in front of Ryan, following Holden's footsteps. "Holden...?" She calls softly. "You don't have to talk to me. I just...want to sit with you or...near you. Whatever. I just need to know you're okay."

Alessa nods. Pulling her hair up into a ponytail she runs in front of Ryan, following Holden's footsteps. "Holden...?" She calls softly. "You don't have to talk to me. I just...want to sit with you or...near you. Whatever. I just need to know you're okay."

Holden rubs his hands over his face. "I'm fine." He calls back to Alessa, but continues walking. "jesus." He mumbles to himself.

Ryan wonders if he should text Jay or this'll all be a false alarm. Keeps walking.

Alessa blows out a puff of air. "Hey!" She calls, running to catch up with him. "Don't. Don't be like that with me, okay?" She stays a couple paces behind him, still giving him his space. "I want to be there for you but you keep shutting me out, so...I'm at a loss here. Tell me what you need and I'll do it."

Holden stops and turns to face her. "I need to go and do coke in the woods and feel like a fuck up, okay? That's what I need."

Alessa skids to a halt, clenching her jaw. "No. You don't. That's just the easy way out. It's what everyone else expects. Stop worrying about what people fucking think for two seconds and listen to the words I have been saying to you since I've known you." Blowing out a frustrated puff of air, Alessa runs her hands down her face. "You're not a goddamn fuck up! You have a problem and that problem does not define who you are. Stop letting it."

Holden growls. "It wasn't a problem until you and Jay and Ryan and everyone made it a problem by making me feel like it was the reason I'm a colossal disappointment of a human being!"

Ryan steps out 'cause he stayed quiet long enough in the last fight. "None of us have ever said or called or felt you were a colossal disappointment of a human being. And coke isn't a reason. It's a vice. What you do with you is up to you, you get a choice."

Alessa narrows her eyes, clenching her jaw while Ryan spoke. "Please, tell me when any of us have ever said that? Because I can only ever recall telling you the opposite."

Holden sighs, looking down. "Well you've all made it perfectly clear that I need to stop." He says, his eyes trained on the ground.

Alessa "Only because I don't want to attend your funeral, Holden." She says softly, her throat getting tight. "If you're so worried about hurting me. You should know that's the easiest way to do it..."

Ryan shrugs, "We want you to stop because it's in your best interest Holden, not ours. You wanna keep going down - you'll probably take all three of us with you 'cause none of us are gonna turn our backs on you."

Holden shuts his eyes. "Then you're all complete fools because I'm certainly not worth that." He says, shaking his head and turning to walk further into the woods.

Alessa starts after him, "Then, fine. I'm a fool. I can handle that. I don't need anyone's approval over who I care about. Including you. You make me, all of us, happy. Why can't you just...leave it at that?"

Ryan smirks slightly. "Been called worse." But he's expecting the bolt when it comes and just double checks his phone before following.

Holden breathes deeply through his nose before calling back to her. "This is you happy? Chasing me through the woods so I don't get high?"

Alessa "Jesus fuck!" She swears under her breath. "No. I'm not happy right now, but I can handle a couple hours of not happy if it means I get to keep you around."

Ryan quietly thinks that yeah chasing someone else instead of being chased is kinda awesome.

Holden stops, leaning against a tree. "This isn't exactly my idea of a great time either, sweetheart." He growls.

Ryan sighs "Look if I've learned one thing over the past two months it's that most of the time relationships aren't happy or perfect or whatever the movies'd have you think. It's this part - the part where you're crawling on the fucking ground and you realize someone's there - someone's trying to find you and help you up- that's the part that makes it worth it."

Alessa walks up to stand next to him, holding up a hand gesturing to Ryan as he talks. "I will do that every. single. time. So will Ry and Jay. We're not that easy to get rid of, babe."

Alessa: and* i like to forget words.

Holden leans his head back on the tree. "I don't need saving." He says firmly. "What's wrong with me as me?"

Ryan shrugs "M'not trying to save you. You always have my back and s'only right to have yours in return. You are always you. Not doing coke doesn't make you someone else. For the record."

Alessa takes a small step closer, tilting her head in Ryan's direction. "Makes a good point, you know. About the coke." She sighs, closing her eyes. "And you might not need saving, but I do and you're the only person that's ever gotten close other than Ryan and Jay..."

Holden leans forward to let his forehead press against Alessa's. "I can't promise that I won't do coke."

Alessa grips the back of his neck, keeping her eyes closed and holding him there for a moment. "It's okay. I'm not asking you to be perfect. Just...talk to me. That's all I want."

Ryan casually falls back a couple trees to give them space and tries not to freak when he learns Jay's back at ground zero.

Holden clenches his eyes shut. "Will you let me go do a line?" He mumbles.

Alessa pulls back slightly. "Holden. You can't -- Please don't ask me that. I can't say yes and not feel guilty or say no and not feel like a bitch."

Ryan is tempted to ninja sneak and grab the backpack and run.

Holden sighs. "What then? I'm supposed to sneak around? or what? What is it you want from me?"

Alessa clenches her jaw. "I don't know, Holden. I don't know! You think this is easy for me? Watching you in physical pain, because it not. It kills me. I want...to take that all away, but I can't." Turning away, she pressed the heels of her palms to her eyes. "I want you to choose me over the coke..." She whispers to herself.

Holden lets out a groan. "I'm not dating the coke, Alessa!" He cries out in frustation.

Alessa flinches and wraps her arms around her torso, still not facing him. "I'm sorry. I'm being stupid...

Holden clenches his fists and starts to walk away. "Fuck." He shouts in frustration, kicking a tree.

Ryan glances up at the shout and runs a frazzled hand through his hair. "Hey Haldir, Jay went back to town. Ya feel like taking an actual walk?" What if Jasper went for round two? Or Isaac like, kidnapped him or something? Jesus. Ryan should have slept.

Alessa jumps, letting out a soft squeak when he yells and kicks the tree. "Please, stop." She pleads, moving to sink down next to a tree and sit on her hands to hide how badly they're shaking. Taking a deep breath, she shoots Ryan a grateful glance.

Holden sinks to the ground and looks over at Ryan. "He's gonna be fine, Ryan. I'm sure of it. Nothing is going to happen. You don't need to go after him and fuel what everyone says. You need to sleep." Holden's voice is low and defeated. "My legs will not go that far.." He mumbles softer. He can't get the look on Alessa's face out of his head. Like she thought he was going to hit her or something. He clenches his fists and hits himself in the forehead repeatedly with one of them.

Ryan eyes Holden but isn't so sure. Though to be fair he's probably got a point about not fueling the fire. But he'd rather it be a gossip fire than another /actual/ fire. His gaze sharpens when the other mumbles about legs not making it before he's attacking himself and Ryan unfolds quickly, moving to his side and making a grab for the fist. "Holden. Hey." He held the other one in a loose grip just in case and sighed. "You're ok, Holden. We can get through this."

Alessa takes a series of deep breaths, trying to calm her heartbeat down and prays that she'll stop shaking soon. She doesn't even hear Holden's reply to Ryan and only looks up because she wants to check to see if they've left or not. Freezing for a second, Alessa gets up and runs over, collapsing next to him, her hand instinctively reaching out for him.

Holden 's arm goes limp as Ryan grabs it and his chest constricts painfully, a gasp escaping his lungs. He sees Alessa out of the corner of his eye. He turns toward her, his eyes brimming with tears. "I wouldn't ever hit you.." He says through clenched teeth before dropping her gaze and shaking his head, looking down.

Alessa freezes. Fucking hell. She opens her mouth to say something, but closes it again quickly. Biting down on her lower lip, hard, she hooks a finger under his chin and lifts it, her own eyes filling with tears. "I know. It's just...a habit. It's not because of you. I swear. This one's all me."

Ryan 's heart breaks watching his friend like this, but he doesn't let go just yet, watching him reassure Alessa and knowing this was another talk he'd have to bow out for as he mentions hitting. His eyes move to her finally and he winces as he sees slightly to see how shaken she is. "Let us get rid of Holden. Close this door so you can fully open that one."

Holden swallows hard, dropping his head into his hands. "It's in my backpack." He mumbles, clenching his eyes shut tightly as tears slide down his cheeks.

Alessa blinks away her own tears, wrapping an arm around Holden's shoulder's and wiping away the tears she can see. She pressed her lips to his shoulder and rested her head there. "You're gonna be okay..."

Ryan presses a kiss to his head and nods. "Thank you," he whispers but moves and lets Alessa take over as he grabs the backpack and runs before Holden can change his mind.

Jay enters the scene to Holden relapsing hard and Alessa on the verge of tears. And Ryan just sprinting off with a backpack. "Holy hell... what's happening..." but he knows the answer. He tries to remember what his friend taught him about the craving cycle and how to stop it. "Holden, are you here? Look at me... look at Alessa. We're here."

Holden shakes his head, taking a gasping breath, and feeling pathetic. He looks up, watching Ryan leave with the backpack and sighs. He swallows hard. He lets his head rest on Alessa's shoulder, listening to her heart and breathing and trying to calm down. He hears Jay but doesn't look up, keeping his head down and trying not to sob.

Alessa sees Jay and feels the pressure on her chest alleviate just a little. She opens her mouth to answer, but just shakes her head. Moving her hand to run through Holden's hair, she presses her lips to the top of his head and rests her head on it. "It's okay. You're okay." She murmurs softly, closing her eyes.

Jay sits in the ground beside the couple and puts a reassuring hand on Holden's shoulder. He doesn't say anything, Alessa's got that covered. This is the hardest part--Jay's seen it, so he knows--all they can do now is wait it out for a moment. He looks at Alessa, "Where did Ryan run off to?" he says quietly.

Holden shudders as Alessa's fingers run through his hair and he feels himself relax slightly at her soft whispers and kisses. He feels Jays hand on him and reaches out blindly to take it in his.

Ryan is slightly relieved to not hear any desperate footsteps coming after him and slows down as he approaches the lake, momentarily unsure how to properly dispose of however much coke's in Holden's bag. He'd feel really guilty for killing a bunch of fish but he can't risk burying it and Holden finding it by like some whacked out miracle. So he strips his shirt and shoes and socks off before putting everything he could find in his pants and diving out as far as he dares before starting to open the baggie with quiet apologies to the fishies.

Alessa sighs when Holden starts to relax, though she doesn't let up what she's doing. Lifting her head, she shrugged a shoulder at Jay's question. "No clue, but he was taking the rest of Holden's coke to get rid of it, so..."

Jay nodded at Alessa and smiled at Holden's hand on his. "You can beat this. Like I said. This is the battle of the Whispering Wood and you are Robb Stark, kicking ass." Please mentally ignore the fact that Robb dies later.

Holden sighs. "No, I'm Tyrion, look at my face, Jay." He mumbles against Alessa's shoulder, not moving or looking up.

Jay laughs, "Well Tyrion kicks ass at Blackwater then. You got this." He rubs his shoulder for a bit more.

Ryan thinks Tyrion kicked the most ass and probably overcame the most, but is currently quite enjoying the water.

Alessa would want to cry because Robb Stark if this were a normal conversation. Half smirks at the boys and their Game of Thrones talk and kisses the top of Holden's head again.

Ryan reluctantly drags himself back out of the lake and heads back to camp to start the fire and get tea going and bland stuff to soothe upset stomachs and the like.

Holden takes a deep breath. "Can we go back to camp? I just wanna lay down." He mumbles, his eyes still shut.

Alessa nods and looks up at Jay. "Yeah. We can go back. You mind taking him, Jay. I...need a minute."

Jay nods at Alessa. "Of course. I got this." He relieves Alessa of her holding duties and wraps his arm entirely around his friend. "How ya doin'."

Holden looks over at Alessa and feels a pang of intense guilt at being the cause of her strife. He leans against Jay. "Badly." He mumbles honestly. "Sorry I made you come back."

Jay laughs and shakes his head, "I can see that. And fuck everyone back at camp. Except Mimi, I don't care so much. My peeps are right here." He snuggles Holden's head, "What makes you wanna do it? Is it isolation or..." He comforts Holden, "Just talk me through it."

Holden lets out a soft sigh and shrugs. "It's not anything. It's just me and the way I want to feel and think. And most of the time I like being in my head better than I like being outside of it."

Alessa forces a small smile up at Jay, waiting until they're gone to let it all go. She brings her hands up to her face, quickly balling them into fists so they stop shaking, and focuses on her breathing, and stopping her tears, until it's steady. She'd been so good about keeping her cool around the yelling and the fighting, but she knew it had only been a matter of time before she broke and this was it. Sighing, she pushed herself up and started to head back to camp.

Jay nods against the top of Holden's head. "You can feel and think that way without it," he says, not even mentioning the name of it, "And you can still live in your head. Cultivate your... rich inner life. You don't need it. It doesn't make you yourself." He laughs sadly, "And I like you as yourself. And so does Alessa. Not the high version."

Holden shakes his head. "I can't write and I can't think straight without it. It's physically painful to try to think the way I do with it, without it." He mumbles.

Jay "You can do both. It's just a matter of learning how," he sighs, "Do you remember how you were before it?"

Holden shrugs, his brain too tired to think about before. He shuts his eyes, leaning heavier on Jay.

Jay sighs, patting Holden and feeling him start to fall asleep--or something that resembled it--on his shoulder. Jay hums calmly, rubbing his friend's shoulder and trying to coax him to rest.

Holden finally makes it back to camp and doesn't bother crawling into the tent, just lays down by the lake and curls himself up, trying to make his muscles stop aching

Alessa wanders back a couple minutes after Holden and Jay get back. Sighing, she hugged Jay and quickly thanked him, kissing the side of his head, before going to sit by Holden and running her hands lightly over his back.

Ryan hears them come back and peeks out. "Can I get anyone anything?"

Jay nodded as Alessa thanked him. "Of course." He watches as Alessa goes to soothe Holden and looks over at Ryan with a sad grin. "Hiya," he says, going over towards him and wrapping one arm around him.

Ryan glances over at Alessa and Holden before he had an arm around him and leans into his boyfriend a moment. "S'everything ok? For the moment?"

Holden rests his head in Alessa's lap, sleepily mumbling apologies repeatedly to her as his body trembles.