#rwaugust2019

Minutes later, he goes back to his room, this time he is not carrying any candles to illuminate his way and he walks as stealthy as possible. He doesn’t want to meet Petra and feels relieved when he doesn’t see her in the middle of the hallway or next to her door. It’ not like he dislikes the idea of spending time with her; on the contrary, it’s just that he doesn’t know how to answer to her words. She used that decided and brave tone he always found comforting in the middle of the battlefield, but in that occasion, she said something he could have never anticipated.

“Captain, I believe that… no, those are not the right words… what I mean is that… I’m in love with you.”

Levi lets himself fall into bed as he remembers what just happened. He doesn’t have the slightest idea of what to do, or what could have led the soldier to say such thing, although deep inside, he knows that’s a lie. He noticed the slow change in Petra when they were alone. From the first time she found him on the stairs and offered to make some tea to help him fall asleep, everything started.

The Captain knows it. Slowly, the line that regulated their interactions began to fade away and he didn’t do anything about it. He never wanted to. He just let it go and succumbed to the temptation of enjoying every instant with her during those insomnia nights. He remembers each of the occasions when he could have stop it, every time he allowed his eyes to linger on her figure longer than necessary, those accidental touches and the small smiles he showed her from time to time; smiles that only a handful of people had seen.

He is sure he won’t be able to sleep tonight. His mind is a whirlwind and the frustration begins to invade him, his ideas fight each other between what he has to do and what he wants to do. Even though he reaches an answer, he completely ignores how to act upon it. Dealing with his feelings is unnecessarily frustrating and irritating.

Finally, he decides it would be better to speak with Petra and he plans to do it first thing in the morning.

When the first rays of sun reach his window, the Captain puts on his uniform and walks with steady steps towards the girl’s room. His hands seem sweaty and he notices his jaws clenching, until he realizes the door is open and the girl is nowhere to be seen. Could that be related to what happened the night before?

During breakfast, the dining hall is noisier than usual but his squad members notice that Levi had a rough night and they chat among them in a low voice, until Oluo’s exclaimed when he saw Petra approaching, picking the Captain’s attention.

“Where were you Petra? We though we would have to split you breakfast share.”

“It was my turn to clean the stables.” She smiled and then looked at the Captain, saluting him with formality.

Levi just nodded. The girl’s cold attitude puzzles him but soon, Petra begins to talk with her colleagues, as if it was a normal day. Morning training is just like always, but the Captain feels uncomfortable. He tries his best to keep his gaze away from the girl and ends up getting in a bad mood. By midday, he is thankful to be called to a meeting with Erwin. Nevertheless, he regrets not being able to talk to Petra alone, although she seems to be doing everything on her power to avoid him. During the afternoon she offers to help another squad with laundry duties and during dinner, she sneaks back to her room, saying she’s not feeling well. Of course, Levi knows that’s a lie and fears she won’t ever talk to him again.

Later that night, dejected and with his head hurting, Levi goes back to his room, stopping n front of the girl’s door for an instant. He knows she’s inside, but he prefers to give her some space and continues walking.

A couple hours later, after uselessly trying to sleep, the Captain decides to stand up and turn on the candle on his desk, then he goes to the hallway, walking with slow and hesitant steps, and as soon as he is in front of Petra’s room he stops, just as he did many times before, hoping she would come out to meet him or that he would gather the courage to send everything to hell and knock the door.

Three soft knocks and he waits patiently for her to open the door. He knew she is inside and he doesn’t have the slightest intention of leaving without speaking to her. The girl seems to know it, so she opens the door a moment later. Their eyes meet for a second. Then, she looks away and feel her cheeks getting red, remembering everything she did to avoid him that day, and while she does it, the Captain’s mind becomes blank once again.

After a few instants of silence, he manages to say something.

“Petra, I…”

She makes a gesture so he would remain silent. She doesn’t want anyone to listen to them and she invites him to her room. The door closes behind her and she takes the candle to put in on her desk so it lights the room better and before she turns to look at him, she bites her lip nervously.

“Captain, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that yesterday and…” he looks at her with worry and sadness.

“Are you taking it back?” he asks her, waiting for an answer, but now she is the one whose mind is blank while her eyes show great frustration.

Levi knows he’s not good with words, much less ordering his ideas during emotional situations, so he acts instinctively and takes a step forward to get closer to her, then he slowly raises his hand to touch Petra’s cheek, giving her time to take a step back in case she wants to, but she doesn’t.

She is astonished but she doesn’t move an inch. She only closes her eyes when she feels the Captain’s breath tickling her cheek and his warm lips on hers. They both kiss with precaution, as if they feared what could happen and then Levi separates himself from her a little.

“Please, don’t take it back.” There was sadness in his glance, but at the same time his eyes shone when they met hers “insomnia nights are better when I’m with you and when I finally fall asleep, I can dream without worrying about the nightmares.”

Levi knows he can appear vulnerable in front of her, not fearing to be hurt. Wounds from the past have left many scars on his soul, but she doesn’t seem to mind it, for she knows there’s no one unscathed in their reality, including her. She is willing to make him forget about all that and she shows it to him by kissing him again, with the candle light on their back, as their only witness.

Author’s notes.