#rvq

Let it go, self. Let it go.

I just can't believe it's over.

After all the drama, goodbyes and chasing after, it had to end. In a way that I've expected it to be. It was a vicious cycle, one I told her that we had to stop sooner or later. Well, this is later. This is what I was trying to avoid. For both to part ways with harsh words.

"Hindi naman ako 'yung na-in love sa taong hindi ako kayang mahalin. :)) Wala ka nang bearing sa buhay ko. Tanggapin mo na lang."

Say what you want, but I'm not the one who ends up with nothing. We don't lose anything by loving. Even if our feelings were not returned, we gain back life lessons that will prepare us for the next one.

Thank you for those who listened and gave advice over the weekend. I'm closing the doors on this one.

The end. Hopefully, it would be. With everything that happened, I just wanted to know where we stood. We've been through things for half a year now, she knows how I feel about her. I was done with confusion and blurred lines. If I could pursue her, or if not, then I hoped we could be friends. But she told me it would be better for us not to talk to each other anymore. Fine, then. It stings, but I'll live. At least I got my answer. At least the cycle has been cut off. 

No hard feelings on my end. I actually feel relieved. 

And somewhat enlightened. Twelve years ago, I played with someone's heart. I was young then, I didn't know how much pain I caused her. I know that I would never be able to tell her this, but I'm sorry. I could never turn back time nor wipe the tears I caused you. But now I've felt how you did before. And it sucks. And again, I'm sorry. That's all I could do.

Ang gulo-gulo na. Sa sobrang gulo, hindi ko alam kung anong status ko sayo araw-araw. Kahapon, nung sinabi kong mag-momoveon na ko, tinanong mo ko kung hindi na naman ba tayo mag-uusap. May kasama pang sad face. Nung medyo okay na ko at kinausap ka ulit, ikaw naman yung parang galit. Clipped responses, walang emotion. Tapos sabay sabing mag-move on na ko at i-bblock mo na yung number ko. Nanghingi ako ng leeway dahil may gusto lang sana ako linawin, at pagkatapos nun, nung sinabi ko nang iblock mo na talaga, hindi mo naman ginawa. Iniwan mo rin sakin yung decision. Syempre at that point, I was vulnerable. Kaya sinabi ko ikaw na bahala. Nung magpaalam ako, sinabi mong andrama ko, and naiba na yung topic, hanggang sa nag-uusap na naman ulit tayo.

Tapos ngayon, pagkagising ko, hindi ko na naman maintindihan. Kaya nagtanong lang. Pero parang iba na ang dating sayo. I get it that you're busy, though last week naman kinakausap mo ko kahit naglalaro ka ng WoM. Ang dating lang sakin, kakausapin mo lang ako kung trip mo. Or wala kang makausap.

Sinabi yun sakin ni Pam kagabi. Dahil akala nya hindi na tayo nag-uusap at wala na rin syang balak kausapin ka. Ang sabi nya, "Hahaha. Okay. Oh well. Wala nang syang makakausap ngayon." I know that isn't true. Andyan yung Bajula friends mo, andyan si Romeo, si Ash, at kung sino pang officemates mo to keep you entertained. Siguro nanibago lang ako at nasanay kasi dati, lagi tayo magkausap, lagi tayo nagkikita. You once posted on Twitter that pain changes people. I agree, it should, pero for the better. With you, it was the reverse. Bigla ka na lang naging cold. And yun pa, nung manghingi ka ng alone time na binigay ko naman, bigla kang nagreach out. Ang dating sakin, ayaw mo ng ikaw yung iniiwan. Gusto mo ikaw yung nagpapaalam.

Nakakasawa na yung ganito, yung confusion. Yung drama. Masakit syempre, dahil may feelings ako para sayo. Gaya nga ng sabi ko, ang saya mo kasama. And hindi naman ako desperado. Natuwa lang ako siguro masyado sayo. On how open you are to the world. You’ve let me experience and see how it is to be proud of your preference. It was very different with Pao, my ex. We had our own world. We had to. Reality wasn’t too kind to us. We were hidden in the deepest jungles of Narnia. With you, even though as friends, I was able to have fun, have that giddy feeling, without the constant fear of how it is to be exposed. You’re confident in your own skin. Perhaps that was what anchored me to you. That I realized that I want to be with someone who’s not a damsel in distress, but a princess - or a Queen, who can kick ass on her own. Like Shrek’s Fiona.

I hope good things continue to fall your way. Anlayo na ng narating mo. You've changed a lot since I met you. You were very insecure, then. And now, you're much more confident. I want to keep your birthday gift sana, the friendship or whatever this is. Pero paninindigan ko na. Tama na, ilang buwan na tayong ganito. I don't want to be a bother to you anymore, and at the same time, I need to find peace. Nakakatakot, kung bakit masyado ako reactive sayo. I'm not like this with anyone else, kahit sa family ko. So I'm off to find answers.