#rust chapter 12

That was the problem with knowing someone as well as she knew Colin. It meant that she had a good idea as to what was likely going on in his head. Knew how much it must have cost him to say even the little he had. Knew that when his feelings had finally slipped out from underneath all his carefully constructed armour and hadn’t been met in the way he’d expected it to be, his first instinct would be to run before he could be hurt any further.

The trouble was, understanding it didn't make her any less angry, because it was her. Penelope. She wasn't some passing acquaintance.

She was the girl who used to sneak him biscuits when Violet wasn't looking. The girl who had listened to every single travel plan he'd ever come up with, even the truly terrible ones. The woman who had sat beside him through some of the worst years of his life and never once asked him to be anything other than himself.

Surely, after all that, he had to know she wasn't questioning him to be cruel. That she hadn't been trying to reject him.

Didn't he?

Clearly not.

"Annoying, insufferable man," she groused, throwing the covers back and climbing out of his bed, her heart still aching for him despite her ire.

She bent and grabbed her phone, quickly opening it up again. For all she knew, Colin could be back in London by now. Wounded animals always bolted for home, right?

Although, in all honesty, she wasn't entirely sure where he considered home anymore.

Once upon a time the answer would have been easy. Bridgerton House. Aubrey Hall. His family. Any and all the people and places he loved. These days it felt rather less straightforward than that. For a long while now, work had become easier for him than people and airports had become preferable to staying still.

He owned a flat that looked as unlived in now as when he bought it a couple of months after he’d split with Marina. Possibly he’d gone there. Or maybe he’d left the country entirely and gone to one of the countless apartments or hotel rooms the Bridgerton’s owned.

She deflated a little at that thought. It would make things more difficult, but it wasn’t going to stop her from trying to work things out. She knew he didn't have his car, which meant he'd found some other way of leaving Aubrey Hall in the middle of the night.

Her fingers found the bracelet on her wrist, tracing absently over the cool platinum as she pondered the possibilities. The truth was that she could stand there all day wondering where he'd gone and cursing the fact that he’d left, but none of it really changed anything.

She loved him. Plain and simple.

And despite the spectacular mess they'd managed to make of things, she was pretty certain that he had feelings for her too. The bracelet alone told her that much.

Which meant she couldn't leave things like this.

Wouldn't leave things like this.

If he replied to her message, then good. If he didn't, she'd send another one later. And if that didn't work either, she'd find some other way of getting hold of him, because there was simply no version of reality in which she allowed Colin Bridgerton to disappear after a conversation like that without hearing what she bloody well had to say first.

With determination fuelling her, she made her way to the door, only to stop with her hand on the handle and glance back over her shoulder.

The bed.

Penelope stared at it for a moment then, with an exasperated sigh, she marched back across the room and straightened the sheets and quilt, muttering under her breath about impossible men and stupid habits. Angry or not, she simply couldn't bring herself to leave the place looking as though a small tornado had passed through it.

Shaking her head at herself, she finally went back to her own room and went straight to the bathroom for a shower.

The hot water helped ease some of the tension from her shoulders and, by the time she was dressed and had managed to wrestle her hair into something presentable, she felt far more capable of facing whatever came next than she had an hour earlier.

Or at the very least, capable of finding a cup of tea.

The sound of voices drifted towards her as she made her way downstairs and she found herself slowing slightly as she reached the kitchen door.

For one brief moment she considered turning around, then Edmund suddenly came barrelling out at full speed, nearly colliding with her in his haste.

"Sorry, Auntie Pen!" he called cheerfully, barely slowing as Miles followed close behind, dinosaur clutched in one hand.

"Raaaarrr!" the young boy roared, waving the plastic T-Rex around and charging after his brother.

Edmund shrieked with laughter as Miles chased him down the corridor and Penelope stepped hastily aside to avoid being flattened, small smile tugging at her lips.

Some things remained unchanged.

"Good morning, Penelope."

Kate looked up from the table with a warm smile whilst Anthony, who had been pouring himself another cup of tea, glanced over with a smile of his own.

"Morning, Penelope," he greeted, setting the pot down. "Sleep well?"

"Yes, sorry, I didn't realise I was quite so late," she replied, stepping further into the room and noticing the remnants of their breakfast.

"Nonsense," Kate dismissed. "You’ve had a busy few days. Come, sit down. Have something to eat."

She pushed a plate of pastries in her direction and made no comment on the black circles, she knew, sat under her still puffy eyes. For that alone, she could have kissed the woman.

"Tea?" Anthony offered, already reaching for another mug.

"Please."

She wrapped her hands gratefully around the steaming cup a few moments later and sank into one of the chairs with a contented sigh. At that particular moment she suspected someone could have informed her the world was ending and she'd still have insisted on finishing her tea first.

It was oddly comforting, sitting in the warm kitchen listening to Kate recount the latest disaster involving Edmund, jam and an extremely offended Newton, whilst Anthony attempted rather unsuccessfully to defend his eldest son's innocence.

Normally she would have laughed.

This morning, however, she found herself taking increasingly distracted sips of her drink and glancing out of the window every few seconds. Somewhere out there was Colin and whilst she had absolutely no idea where to find him, sitting there feeling restless and irritated certainly wasn't helping matters. She needed to make a plan at least; although she knew she couldn't just up and leave Aubrey Hall as well. Not for a couple of days, certainly. Or maybe just one. Would one day be acceptable before she made her excuses and left?

By the time she'd drained half the mug, she was completely ignoring what was going on around her and drumming her fingers on the table top in agitation, her mind going a mile a minute turning over all the different things she could do.

"Penelope?"

She blinked and looked over to find Kate watching her with gentle concern.

"Sorry," she said with an apologetic smile and stopped her fidgeting. "I think I need some air. I might go for a walk and clear my head a bit."

"Wrap up warm," Kate told her immediately.

"And watch the paths. They'll still be slippery," Anthony added in warning.

Penelope smiled faintly at their concern for her wellbeing and rose from the chair.

"I will."

She walked out of the room, leaving Anthony staring at the doorway for several moments after she'd gone. He waited until the sound of her footsteps had faded before setting his mug down with a long sigh.

Kate, who had been watching at him, reached over and squeezed his hand.

"You thought he'd be with her," she observed quietly.

Anthony nodded. "I hoped he would be. After everything we talked about last night, I really thought he'd stay because I could see he was trying, Kate. For the first time in years, he was actually trying."

She smiled softly. "And perhaps he still is."

"Perhaps," he conceded, though he sounded unconvinced. “Or maybe I was wrong to let myself believe that he'd finally stopped running."

Kate squeezed his hand again. "Even if he hasn’t, it doesn't mean he won't eventually. You said yourself that he was frightened."

"He was. I haven't seen him like that since…not since Marina," He shook his head as self-recrimination flooded through him. "I pushed him too hard…"

"You didn’t,” his wife assured him firmly. “You listened to him. You loved him and you told him the truth. What he does with that is up to Colin."

Anthony knew she was right. But seeing how clearly his younger brother’s actions had hurt Penelope, his protective instincts rose to the fore, making it difficult to summon much sympathy for him in that particular moment.

"When I get hold of him…" he suddenly muttered darkly, pushing back his chair. "Honestly, if he's gone back to London without speaking to Penelope, I'll…"

"You'll what?"

Anthony froze, then slowly turned around.

Colin stood in the doorway looking every bit as tired and unhappy as Penelope had. He was still wearing the previous days clothes, his hair damp from what Anthony supposed was a hurried wash, and one hand rubbed absently at the back of his neck.

For a second Anthony simply stared.

Then relief swept through him so quickly that he barely had time to register it before he was striding across the room.

"Where the hell have you been?" he demanded, wrapping his brother in a fierce embrace before immediately stepping back again. "And don't you ever do that to me again."

Colin blinked in surprise.

"Good morning to you too."

Kate smiled into her tea.

"Good morning, Colin."

"Morning, Kate," he greeted with a tired smile before grimacing and rubbing his neck again.

Anthony folded his arms and looked at him expectantly.

"Well?"

“Well, what?” his brother replied with a frown.

“Don’t play dumb, Colin, we thought you’d left,” Anthony chastised abruptly. 

"Clearly I haven’t,” he retorted. “After you went to bed, I had another whisky and ended up falling asleep in your study. That chair is the devil by the way. I woke up a few minutes ago with everything hurting and went looking for Pen, but she wasn't in her room. So far, I’ve checked the library and drawing room and even the bloody cloakroom, but no luck."

Anthony stared at him, his whole demeanour softening the more his brother spoke. His mouth quirked up into a smile and he clarified wryly, "You actually looked in the downstairs loo?"

Colin rolled his eyes.

“Yes, okay, I know how it sounds but it’s on the way to the kitchen and I can’t damn well find her…do you know where she is?”

“She went for a walk,” Kate answered, putting him out of his misery.

“Thanks,” he said with a nod then turned towards the door.

“Colin."

He stopped and looked back at his brother, then gave him an impatient, “Yeah?”

“If you hadn’t gone to sleep…would you still have stayed?” Anthony asked seriously.

Colin relaxed a little and nodded. “Yes, I would’ve stayed. I am staying no matter what happens next.” He hesitated a moment then continued soberly, “And…thank you.”

His brother looked perplexed.

“For what?”

“For last night. Listening to me, helping me see things a bit more clearly,” Colin replied. He gave him a rueful smile. “For not judging. I needed that.”

Anthony shrugged, as though the whole thing was of no consequence.

“Oh, I think you would’ve got there on your own, brother,” he remarked before adding drily, “Eventually.”

Colin let out a disbelieving snort. “I think you have far more faith in me than I do.”

“No,” his brother countered. “I just have faith in what you feel for Penelope.”

Colin stared at him, the words an unexpected balm to his battered emotions. Not because Anthony had said anything particularly profound. In fact, to his brother it had probably been the most obvious thing in the world. But after everything that had happened the previous evening, after all the fear and doubt and pain he'd managed to inflict entirely upon himself, hearing his brother say it so simply and with such certainty left him feeling unexpectedly moved.

Impulsively, he stepped forward and hugged Anthony again, earning a surprised laugh from the older man even as he embraced him back.

“Go and get her, brother,” he murmured quietly into Colin’s ear, “She’s waited long enough.”

Colin pulled back and gave him a nod, then shot Kate a quick grin before heading out of the kitchen feeling lighter than he had in a while.

He grabbed his coat from where it hung by the front door and shrugged it on before wrapping his scarf around his neck. His gloves, he realised with mild irritation, had apparently vanished, but he wasn't about to waste precious time looking for them now.

Bracing himself against the cold, he stepped outside. Instinctively, he glanced around the grounds, hoping to catch sight of her. When he didn't, he looked down and smiled. Fresh snow had fallen overnight and there, off to the left, he saw a new set of footprints.

Shoving his hands deep into his pockets, he walked briskly alongside the trail of imprints, his eyes darting between them and the surrounding area, keeping an eye out for her. In his head, he ran over all the different things he should say when he finally saw her. Sorry was definitely a good place to start, although given the spectacular mess he'd made of things, there was every chance he'd open his mouth and say something utterly ridiculous instead. She would probably expect nothing less at this point.

The thought made him smile. Because for all his nerves and all the uncertainty still fluttering around in his stomach, one thing remained true. Penelope knew him better than anyone. She always had. And if she gave him even half a chance, then perhaps they could work through the rest together.

His heart beat a little faster as he rounded the fountain and followed the trail around a hedge. And then he stopped.

There she was standing next to the snowman she’d made with Caroline and Eloise.

For a moment he simply stood and looked at her, his breath catching slightly as he took her in. Her back was to him, bundled up in her coat against the cold, her copper hair glinting in the low winter sun, a stark contrast to the pure white surrounding them.

Suddenly, every speech he'd attempted to put together on the walk over deserted him completely and, perhaps, that was for the best. Nothing he'd rehearsed felt big enough now anyway. And if he made a total fool of himself, then so be it. After the way he'd left things, perhaps he deserved to.

Taking a deep breath, he stepped forward.

"Pen."

She turned so quickly she nearly lost her footing, one hand instinctively shooting out to steady herself against the small icy figure beside her. And then she stared at him, eyes wide and disbelieving.

“What are you doing here?"

His heart sank a little. It wasn’t the most encouraging of greetings, but he took another step towards her anyway, tentative smile on his lips.

“Looking for you,” he told her. "Where else would I be?"

She arched a brow at him and folded her arms, straightening up as much as her diminutive height would allow.

“I don’t know. You couldn’t get away quick enough last night, so I thought you’d be at least halfway around the world by now,” she bit out, hurt creeping into her voice despite her best efforts.

The smile vanished from his face immediately and he swallowed hard, hearing the pain underneath her words and hating himself for putting it there.

“I'm sorry, Penelope,” he apologised earnestly. “I'm so sorry about what happened.”

He pulled his hands out of his pockets and started to reach for her, wanting to touch her, have that connection. But then he stopped himself at the last second and let his hands fall again. Not now. He had to make things right between them first.

“I'd like to explain,” he said quietly after a moment. “If you'll let me? Please?”

Her expression softened, if only slightly, and she drew in a steadying breath before giving a small nod.

“Okay.”

Okay.

Okay.

Now she'd agreed, he found himself struggling to know where to begin. Were there enough words to make up for the utter disaster he'd made of things? He really hoped so. More than that, he hoped he could actually find them.

“I'm not confused, Pen,” he finally blurted out. “I just want you to know that. I'm a lot of other things, but not that. Not about you. Not about us.”

She stayed silent, her expression unreadable, and desperation began to edge its way in. He had to make her understand somehow.

“That’s what I thought you were telling me last night and I was wrong. I know that now. I heard things you weren't actually saying. But somewhere between realising my feelings for you and being absolutely terrified of losing you, I stopped hearing what you were really trying to ask me and started listening to my own fears instead.”

He shook his head and took a small step closer to her, snow crunching underfoot.

“And that's not fair because you deserved better than that. You deserved better than me getting angry and leaving you wondering where I was and what I was thinking. You deserved me staying and talking to you and trusting you enough to believe that you weren't trying to hurt me.”

His voice softened as he inched forward again.

“Because I know you, Pen. I know you and I know you would never do that to me," he smiled sadly. “And I think that's what frustrates me the most about myself. That I let my fear get the better of everything I've known about you for years.”

He fell silent for a moment, his expression tightening slightly as though the next part physically hurt to say.

“And the worst thing is…” He let out a shaky breath and shook his head. “The worst thing is that I'm scared that if I found myself standing in that place again, feeling that same panic, I'd do exactly the same thing.”

He laughed weakly and rubbed at his eyes.

“Not because I want to. God, I don't want to. And not because I don't trust you. I do trust you, Pen. I trust you more than anyone. I just…” He looked down and shrugged helplessly. “I don't know how to stop being that man overnight.”

His eyes lifted to hers again, full of pain and hope in equal measure.

“But I want to try.”

He moved even closer to her then until they were almost touching, their breaths mingling as he leaned in slightly and finally allowed the words he’d been afraid to say spill out, “Because I love you, Pen. And because I want to be with you. I want all of this. I want us. And if you want that too, then I'll spend the rest of my life trying to learn how to do this properly.”

Penelope was quiet for a moment, simply looking at him. At the man standing in front of her with tears in his eyes and hope written all over his face, asking for nothing more than the chance to try. It was difficult to stay angry with a man who was standing there loving her so openly. It was more than she'd ever imagined. More than she'd dared hope for.

More than enough.

Slowly, she let her arms loosen and fall back to her sides. 

“Oh, Colin,” she whispered affectionately, her own eyes beginning to shine. “You really are an idiot.”

He blinked in surprise and she gave a tremulous smile before reaching out and taking his hand. He glanced down then back up at her with a faint smile of his own, his fingers tightening around hers.

“You don't have to know how to do all of this overnight,” she told him gently. “Neither of us does. We aren't suddenly going to wake up tomorrow and get everything right. We'll argue and we'll make complete fools of ourselves from time to time and that's okay. I’m not going anywhere, Colin…I love you.”

He drew in a sharp breath and searched her face for the truth of it. Thinking it a possibility and finally hearing her say it were two vastly different things he realised as his heart started to pick up pace.

“You do?” he asked, wonder written plainly across his face. “Are you sure?”

Penelope gave a watery laugh and squeezed his hand.

“Yes, Colin. I'm sure. I've loved you for an embarrassingly long time, actually.” She shook her head at herself. “So long that I honestly don't remember what it feels like not to.”

She watched as her words sank in and saw the look in his eyes give way to something softer and infinitely more precious, and the smile that spread across his face was so full of love that it made her chest ache.

“God, Pen,” he murmured, his voice thick with emotion. “How did I get so lucky?”

“I could ask you the same thing,” she countered, smiling through her tears.

He reached up and tenderly brushed a stray tear away from her cheek before dropping his hand to her waist. He looked as though he wanted nothing more than to kiss her and, truthfully, Penelope wanted exactly the same thing. But something occurred to her and, as he started to lean in, she gently laid her hand on his chest.

“Wait.”

He immediately stilled and she watched concern flicker across his features as he pulled away a little.

“Don't worry,” she assured him quickly, “It's nothing bad. I just…there's something I wanted to show you first.”

“Okay,” he nodded, though he still watched her warily.

She let go of his hand then pulled her coat sleeve back a bit to reveal the platinum bangle sitting on her wrist.

“I just wanted to thank you for this,” she told him warmly. “I love it, Colin, it’s beautiful.”

His heart missed at the sight of it, looking as though it had always belonged there. He gently took her hold of her hand again, running his thumb over the charms until he stopped at the book.

“You know, the moment I saw this, I thought of you.”

She stared at him as he continued to play with the charm.

“Did you?”

He looked back up at her and nodded.

“I did. You're going to write wonderful things, Pen. I just know it.”

She frowned, her chest tightening slightly. His faith in her was wonderful but it also brought with it the inevitable reminder that, in a matter of days, she would be leaving. Not just Aubrey Hall, but the life she'd built around him for the last four years as well.

“I suppose we should talk about what happens next,” she ventured quietly. “With me leaving and…everything.”

“And we will,” he promised. “But not now.” His hand settled at her waist once more and the look he gave her made her stomach flutter. “Now, I'd just really like to kiss you. Is that okay?”

“It’s more than okay,” she assured him eagerly.

He grinned then and, this time, neither of them stopped.

His arms slid around her waist, pulling her against him, whilst her hands curled into the collar of his coat, tugging him down. And when he finally kissed her, it was slow and sweet and wonderfully familiar. All the hurt and uncertainty of the past few hours faded away as she lost herself in the joy of being in his arms once more.

Snowflakes had started to drift lazily around them by the time they broke apart, their breath clouding in the frigid air between them.

Colin smiled and brushed his nose gently against hers before leaning in again, one kiss not nearly enough. He’d barely touched his lips to hers, though, when he suddenly let out a hiss of pain and pulled back with a grimace.

Penelope blinked up at him in confusion before narrowing her eyes suspiciously.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, before adding jokingly, “Don’t tell me you’ve had second thoughts already?”

The look of horror on his face was so immediate that she nearly laughed.

“Christ, no,” he exclaimed. “It’s my bloody neck.”

“Your neck?”

Looking faintly sheepish, he reached up and rubbed the back of it.

“I slept in a chair last night,” he muttered unhappily. “In Ant’s study.”

Penelope stared at him.

“Anthony’s study?”

He nodded, looking rather embarrassed as he rolled his shoulders to try and loosen the kink.

“Yeah, he was still up when I came downstairs. We had a drink and talked for a bit.”

Penelope said nothing, but inwardly sent up a silent prayer of thanks that Anthony Bridgerton had apparently been exactly where he'd needed to be when Colin had found himself unable to think straight. Whatever had been said between the brothers, she would always be grateful for it.

She glanced up at the sky. The snow had begun falling more heavily around them and the temperature was dropping.

“Perhaps we should head back inside now anyway,” she suggested. Her eyes fixed on where he was still rubbing the back of his neck and something mischievous flickered across her face. “And if you're very good, I might even be persuaded to help ease the pain a bit.”

Colin's head snapped up so quickly that he immediately winced.

“Ow!” he yelped before his eyes widened. “Really?”

She but back a laugh.

“Provided we don't freeze to death first.”

His answering grin was almost boyish, though the look in his eyes was anything but.

“Well, I could do with a nice hot shower,” he said, his voice dropping slightly. “I was in such a hurry to find you this morning that I didn't have a chance.”

Penelope raised an eyebrow.

“That does sound nice,” she agreed, giving an exaggerated little shudder. “I'm feeling quite cold myself.”

His expression changed immediately and she felt a delicious flutter low in her stomach as his eyes darkened.

“Are you?” The corner of his mouth curved. “Fortunately, my shower happens to be more than big enough for two. Water conservation and all that.”

Penelope laughed softly.

“Very noble of you.”

“I do try.”

“Well, in the spirit of doing good deeds,” she murmured sweetly, “while I’m there, I can always check if you’ve got any other aches or…stiffness in places that require my attention.”

Colin drew in a sharp breath.

“Pen,” he groaned.

Her eyes widened innocently.

“What?”

“You can’t say things like that to me. Not when we have to go back and face my family.” He closed his eyes briefly and let out a low laugh. “Christ.”

The innocence vanished from her expression as she grinned unashamedly.

“Can't I?”

His eyes opened again and with a shake of his head, he grabbed her hand then set off back towards Aubrey Hall with such purpose that Penelope had to almost run to keep up.

Slipping a little, she couldn't help giggling, “In a rush?”

He looked over his shoulder, his mouth curving into a decidedly wicked smile before he stopped so abruptly she almost slid into him.

“You are enjoying this far too much, aren’t you?” he accused gruffly, pulling her into his arms again.

The grin she gave him was entirely unapologetic.

“I really am.”

He threw his head back laughed happily, loving this side of her even though he was quite certain she’d be the death of him.

“God help me.”

And pain in his neck be damned, he bent down and kissed her again.

Then, with the snow falling steadily around them, they turned towards the warmth and light waiting for them at Aubrey Hall. As they walked, Colin slipped his arm around Penelope’s waist and pressed a kiss to the top of her head, smiling when she immediately tucked herself even further into his side.

He knew this was only the start. That there would be hard decisions and difficult conversations to come. Life wasn’t always easy, but somehow the thought of facing it all with Penelope beside him no longer felt quite so daunting.

Instead, as he listened to her giggle her way through the story Kate had told her over breakfast and found himself laughing right along with her, Colin discovered something he'd never expected.

Perhaps vulnerability wasn't something to fear after all.

In truth, it felt an awful lot like freedom.

And home.