A SCRIPT FROM RORY.

© Decemba 2011

Seth: So, lots of visitors in NY for the New Year—any suggestions?

The New Year is all about spending time with the ones you love and getting wild. For those looking to get down, New York’s hottest club is: Blarnia. Opened in 2002 in the back of an armoire owned by famed Irish transsexual Rupatrick, Blarnia has it all: Snail Races, a bubble gum sweat lodge; racial profiling and even a Jar Jar Binks Cabaret.

Seth: But New York has some off-beat options too. Such a historically rich city. What about those looking for a more cultural new year?

For those looking for more historical relevance, I’ve got just the place for you: New York’s hottest club is: Trail of Tears. Opened in a stolen bread truck in Astoria in 1991, Trail of Tears was inspired by an acid trip by regionally renowned Native American step dance-troupe: Manifest Destiny’s Child. And it has everything. Vodka Tamales, a gravy luge, JNCO Pants, Fatheads of the village people and a razor blade photo booth.

Seth: What about those just looking to totally let go and have their all their needs personally addressed—a more relaxing all-about-me New Year?

But for those looking for a more full-service experience this New Year, New York’s hottest club is Flurgenbergen. Inspired by a Translation of the Swedish Chef Muppet, Flurgenbergen has everything. Nude Dolphin massage, leeching, morbidly obese celebrity impersonator Beyoncé Rolls, indoor camping and even a human ceiling fan—It’s when a midget holds on to a twisted elastic band attached to the ceiling, and spins so fast that his chubby legs recirculate air.