HEATH ISON’S 10 RULES FOR WRITING
RULE #1 – MASTURBATE BEFORE EACH SESSION
This is the most critical rule for writing. I feel like this requires no explanation. And I haven’t jerked off before writing this so I have no intentions of getting in detail.
RULE #2 – DON’T WRITE FROM HEART, WRITE FROM ASSHOLE
The best and most honest shits come from your asshole. It’s honest, it’s pure, it’s all of your discharged excess. Don’t allow it to evade you.
RULE #3 – DON’T LISTEN TO RULES
Exactly.
RULE #4 – TELL ALL LOVED ONES TO “FUCK OFF”
It will be good for you AND them. And if they choose to never speak to you again, write them a postcard every day describing in brief (yet intricate) detail of every physical imperfection about them that makes you vomit. Come around their home at least once a week. The goal is a restraining order.
RULE #5 – DRESS SLUTTY
Because why wouldn’t you want to.
RULE #6 – PURPOSELY FORGET YOUR NAME
Because—like me—you’re a piece of shit. To just bury your own name consciously and willingly seems like an impossible feat. WRONG. I found what works best for me is taking small bludgeons to the hand with a hammer while repeating the word: SHITBAG.
RULE # 7 – PRETEND TO BE READING IN PUBLIC
Don’t actually read, that’s just fucked up. But rather take a book (maybe Sartre’s Being and Nothingness or Dostoyevsky’s The Brother’s Karamazov), and find a nice peaceful park or even—if you’re feeling lucky—the mall. The goal is to look as pretentious as possible. Sit cross-legged. Maybe even wear a pair of glasses. Â
RULE # 8 – GRAMMAR, GRAMMAR, GRAMMAR
make, sure you use,. PROPER graMmar/ ther is litteraly no ezuse not too>. Uwant 2 imprex an git laid not , msamke urself luul like a dumabss
RULE # 9 – THROW TRASH IN FLOOR
You are a serious writer, are you not? So why in the hell would you bother getting up to put trash into a container designed for disposal? It’s just not practical for the writer.
RULE # 10 – DON’T ENJOY WRITING
It blows, it’s stupid. I tried to find synonyms for “blows” and “stupid” but what’s the point. I might as well dumb myself down just like the very act of writing itself.  Why am I even bothering to write this? Why are you even taking your time to read it? Please hit the back button and reload whatever it is you were looking at through your little screen (hopefully porn).
Follow these simple rules and you’ll become a writer. Maybe even an author.Â
