#rules of drinking

Elizabeth Kerner, Song in the Silence

So say we all!

John Berendt, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil

Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

1. You've had something to drink. Ideas keep popping up in your head. Those things won't end well, probably, but do them anyways. It's fun and you're numb enough. 2. Smoke home rolled clove cigarettes. If you like Djarum Blacks it's almost the same thing. This is one of my fave recipes. 3. Riding a bike drunk is a bad idea. Doing it on the road is even worse. But doing it and pulling it off: whoa! That does wonders for your drunk self-esteem. I even tried to teach some drunken friends to ride. They weren't as responsive as they could have been. Also: the bike was a BMX. 4. If riding a bike isn't a great idea, riding along in stuff not meant for human transport ,is worse. Let's say, a trolley, for moving big boxes and whatnot? Not a good idea. Not on dusty roads. 5. Expect the unexpected. The expected would be a massive headache. The unexpected would be an even greater butt ache. Before you go "What the hell did I do to my bottom last night?", remember #4.

1. If your a smoker (good for you!also very bad for health), make sure you have cigarettes. Or that your friends have some. Yes, smoking and drinking make a really good party combo. 2. When random people ask you to have sex with them, for the love of God, say no. Unless those random people are reeeally hot, then, yeah, sure, go for it. (Use a rubber tho.) 3. Don't make out with random people. Especially when those people are girls who have boyfriends. Or, whatever. Actually, no, try to do that as much as possible. You can always blame it on the booze later on. 4. If you want to mix your drink, go for it. Yes, you'll probably get a lot more wasted in a shorter amount of time, but if you want to have some rum and a couple of pints of beer in the same night, why shouldn't you? (I refuse to accept: "DUHH, you get wasted" as an answer). 5. Probably the best advice I will ever give you. Ready? Let's say you have some money; not much, not enough to drink the good stuff all night, but enough to drink all night. Buy the more expensive beer first. Have your fave as your first drink of the night. Get the bottled kind. Don't be a cheap ass and drink the piss beer all night. You will do that eventually. But if you get good beer the first time, and you're like, man this shit is good, and really enjoy it, when the second one comes and it's a watery pint, you'll be dizzy enough not to care. :)

1. When drinking make sure you see the glass half full. And by "see" I mean keep the glass always full. 2. Stay hydrated. When I want to stay hydrated, I go to bars where I know they put water in your booze. It's a 2 for one deal actually. 3. If you feel like shit and need to get drunk, remember that tomorrow you'll feel like a shit that's been shat on by a monkey (if you're the light drinker) that's been shat on by an elephant (that's me). So... Painkillers, whatever works. 4. Do not, I repeat, do not call your ex's (es..es ses..) when you're drunk. Unless your ex is a total bitch/jerk. Then, you can feel free to express yourself however you want. Actually you should stay away from phones all together. Do not lose your phone, though. It'd be a bitch to recover that from the shitty bar you went to last night. 5. Stay away from fire. If you're a smoker, ask your crush to make you her/his bitch. You might think that drunk is the last thing you want your crush to see you as, but, seeing how you obviously need help might be a turn on for some people. However, these people are usually rare, so show the person the cigarette burn marks on your palms before you ask them, politely, to light your cigarette.