#ruchiea

Updates... Perhaps I should keep track of my life a little better on here.  I think that is the best plan.  Update tumblr like my diary.  I will never lose it, at least.  Easily accessible on my phone at all times, too.

- I recently switched from full time to part time at work.  I have worked full time in the ICU for 2 years.  I switched to PT to concentrate more on school.  This has been a good switch for me.  I feel less burnt out.  I am able to enjoy being at work because I don’t live there anymore.  And, my parents don’t seem to comment anymore on me picking up shifts.

- I am in my second semester of my master’s program.  My placement is at a remote nursing station.  So far I really enjoy it.  It is a slower pace than I am used to but that allows for more time to learn.

- I have been attending counselling since August to help with depression.  It has helped me immensely.  I talk to a lady name Kirstin and she is amazing.  She helps me see things in a different light.  I also started on a medication.  Side effects were insane for the first little while.  I think I am starting to see the benefits now: improved concentration, a little more outgoing.

- My house is teeming with life.  A new tenant moved in upstairs and she seems to be a really great fit for the others.  A tenant from years ago also moved back in and she seems to need my help: suffered an assault and is struggling.  I think God brought her here for a reason.  We had a house dinner last night and just talked.  It was so nice.  We are all so different.  To come together around a table and share our lives is a gift.

- I have also been reading almost nightly.  So far this year I have read 1984 and A fine balance by Rohinton Mistry.  That book was so good but oh, so sad.  You keep waiting, hoping for something good to happen to these beloved characters and it never does.  Now I am onto Alias Grace by Margaret Atwood.  I haven’t read for pleasure in years.  I had no interest, no motivation, no concentration to even process it.  Now I love it.  Neuroplasticity for the win!!!

- Another thing I have been finding is that I am less fearful.  I was always an anxious person, worrying about worse-case scenarios constantly.  I could barely sleep at times because I feared someone would break into my house.  Those fearful thoughts seem so far removed from me now.  Praise God.  

Let me leave you with some wisdom Kirstin said... “The further I get from the things that matter to me, the less I care about how far away I am.”  Speaks to the cycle of depression.  

Today:

I wrote some of my paper today, made some muffins, ate some curry and I will be going to the gym with my brother before work.

I ponder the cause of all of this.  Perhaps this is the result of past undiagnosed concussions?  Perhaps untreated depression?  Perhaps my brain is atrophying?  Perhaps I have caused this.  I rotate through a gamut of differentials on a daily basis.  I trial a medication to see if I can improve things but all I get is nausea and insomnia.  

I ponder the meaning in all of this.  It gets more and more difficult to stick with my studies.  I can barely concentrate.  I consider dropping out all the time.  I consider switching career paths altogether.  No stamina remains.  God, what is it You want from me?... If this is what I’m supposed to be doing, why is it so difficult?  Maybe this isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing.  Are You calling me elsewhere?  Or am I to persevere?  

How long will I hold onto my past self?  How long will I be haunted by the lie that who I was before was better than who I am now?  Will I ever be okay?

1 Peter 4:19

So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.

And I turn my face downward in shame, but also in doubt and fear.  "I am not convinced what you say is true."

You say " I am the way, the truth and the life." 

I am still not convinced.  I say I will do it on my own.  I stomp over the white gown you laid out for me with dirty shoes.  I push away the armor you prepared for me.  I trudge through the thorned and thistled darkness on my own.  I turn away from the fountain of living water you prepared and drink from cisterns.  I squint at the light and try to shut it out. I make a home for myself. 

But, the voice of darkness beckons me,

"Come nearer, come nearer, you can get lower than this." And, I do.

Lying in the pit, I have no where else to turn. I cry out for something, someone, anything.

I remember your truth.  I remember that love.  I remember the feeling of being in the light.  I look up and catch a glimpse of Your face.  I see love.  I see a miracle.  I see acceptance and the remedy to my sickness.  You call me closer.  But I am still entrenched.  I have wandered so far.  You come to meet me where I am in this darkness.  You come to light the way.  You hold my hand as we soldier on through the mucky waters and debris.