#ruby squad su

i feel like a lot of my love for eyeball spawns from my trauma, and how it lets me relate to her.

when i first realized eyeball was my favorite character, i was just all, “haha its weird! i dont know why i love her so much, i dont even relate to her.” yet here i am now. it’s obvious that i do, in fact, relate to her.

it was just kind of a realization? it’s funny. i always just kind of denied my trauma, but then i just slowly realized that it was, in fact, trauma. its like how i slowly realized i love eyeball and how i relate to her. maybe both of those things happened at the same time? i’m not sure. i don’t remember a whole lot.

really when i first determined that i liked eyeball for whatever reason, it was like a smack to the face. way back since i first realized it, before i even knew i related to her. and really when i very, very first determined that i was actually experiencing trauma, it was like a smack to the face. the same feeling. and there was an even bigger smack to the face when i was just sifting through eyeball fanart. i ended up coming across a piece by @empyrisan of eyeball having to leave a situation because of the volume. as someone with misophonia and other sound sensitivity issues it really hit home for me. that was the biggest smack in the face, the biggest smack that CEMENTED the fact i relate to eyeball.

and just,, my trauma translates seamlessly to eyeball. i project a ton of it on to eyeball, most notably from a pretty low point in my life. basically everything i felt back then was extremely easily translated to eyeball, it just made sense. so much sense. 

in some ways with my trauma i even envied her, weird as it sounds. i envy the fact that she can exude her emotions clearly on the outside, really. you can just kinda tell she’s never really in a great mood. i was always punished for showing any kind of negative emotion in that low point of my life. its funny though, even though i can kind of envy that she was able to show her emotions, honestly? i still do project the fact that i wasn’t really allowed to show my emotions. i just imagine her feeling the same way i did - feeling like she’d be punished for showing her emotions back on homeworld. i just feel like she’d be worried of being punished for anything and everything because of being constantly mistreated by her superiors.

maybe with all i project on to her, it makes me want her to get better more than anything. maybe it’s a subconscious idea of wanting to have someone you can really relate to to get a happy ending. you can have a happy ending, too, just like the character. it’s lovely.

eyeball may only be a minor character who appears in 8 episodes +1 cameo in the movie, but god help me if she doesn’t mean so much.