#rrl01d29

Gen One, Day Twenty-Nine

“Johnny, please!” she was desperate, not letting him get away. She leapt off the bed and scurried in front of him, blocking his path and reaching up to cup his face in her hands. “Please don’t,” she told him and it made him focus on her with an unreadable expression on his face. Her voice trembled as she clarified. “Please don’t cut me out. Don’t push me away.” 

Robyn’s motions were slow as she wrapped his arms around his shoulders. He was tense and she clung onto him, pressing her lips against the nape of his neck and breathing him in. The man she loved. The man she was terrified was slipping away because of everything that had been ingrained in him after he’d left his childhood home. His Mom had wanted things for him and cut him off completely when he hadn’t wanted those same things. It had left him trying to prove to the world that he was capable of doing everything on his own. She’d felt something similar at times, though never to the degree that he’d had to do so. Even at Christmas, when his Dad had shown up, his Dad hadn’t offered any help, hadn’t offered to bring him back into the family or even try to. She’d seen then just how truly alone he’d been, if it wasn’t for her and Eris. 

“You’re not alone,” she told him and she could feel his breath hitch. “I’ve got you.” 

She could feel the moment that wall crumbled down. Whatever defenses he’d put up in between the time they’d spoken to now when he’d been having this crisis in their bedroom, she felt that come tumbling down and she tightened her grip to offer him support in it’s place. His head ducked, forehead against her shoulder and she let him just stand there, held up by her for as long as he’d need. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered the apology into her hair, nuzzling a bit, a reassurance that he was still there and in love. “I’m just so tired.” 

“I know,” she consoled him, cupping the back of his neck to keep him close to her. “It’ll be okay, baby. We’ll get help, okay?” he could only nod. “We’ll get help.” 

Determination set in as she held her man. Determination to prove to him that this wasn’t him, just something he was going through. That he was worthy of love, no matter what he’d been made to do in the war. That this was his life and he could make that into anything he wanted it to be. Determination fueled her and she knew in that moment, as he broke down and let her offer him comfort, that this was a turning point towards the better. 

Gen One, Day Twenty-Nine

As she got to the top of the stairs, she slowed her pace, focusing on listening to the words Johnny was saying. They were too quiet to fully hear, but there was something to the timbre of his voice that made her realize he wasn’t just playing with the baby or changing a diaper, he was talking to her. The kind of talking she’d told him that morning that he’d need to do. His tone serious, a little distant. 

She walked softly to stand in the doorway, debating whether she should give father and daughter the space or stay there and just observe. In the end, her worry over Johnny won out over the need to give them privacy and she bit her lip, almost holding her breath through Johnny’s talking. 

“...and it’s not you and it’s not your Mom,” Johnny was saying and Robyn’s heart leapt to her throat, but she forced herself to listen. “Because I love you both so much. More than I’ve ever loved anyone, that’s for sure. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t want to lose either of you, but that’s all I can think of sometimes. That one day you’re gonna realize I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. That you’ll grow up and we won’t talk like this. Or, worse...we will and you’ll realize I’m not...I’m not worth it.” 

Robyn’s breath hitched in her chest and she had to clutch her chest as she felt her heart aching for him. His voice had softened, his movements a little more erratic and she could tell, even though he wasn’t facing her, that he was choked up. That he was letting out something he’d bottled since coming home. 

“And all the things I had to do over there...it was war, I know, and they were orders, and I did them so I could come home, but...that doesn’t matter to those soldiers from Sixam who were just defending their homes. That’s all they were doing, kiddo. If they were monsters, if I could even say why we were there in the first place...it might be easier to swallow, you know? But sometimes I just look at you and I wonder if they didn’t have someone like you waiting for them at home, too. And whose monster does that make me?” 

Robyn felt tears sting at her eyes. She had no idea that Johnny had gone through something like that. She’d known he had seen action, had figured he’d probably had to fire his gun, but his thoughts on the matter, the reality of the matter were deeper than she imagined. Or had even tried to. 

“Johnny,” she called from the doorway and she saw his back straighten a little. He cleared his throat and then looked over his shoulder at her, realizing she’d probably heard the gist of it. She gave him, a quick wan, smile but it didn’t hold. “I’ll make us some tea,” she said quietly, begging in her voice and her eyes for him to just come downstairs so they could talk. 

For a split second, she didn’t think he was going to say anything, or might even yell, but after a moment, he nodded at her. “Okay,” he said quietly back to her. “Let me just put her to bed.”