#roya's rambles

goodbye to the city that was full of so many firsts for me.

the first time i stood up on my own two feet and lived alone, even though i'm not sure i can call it that because i had a school to support me and wasn't working here.

i was so afraid of so many things, but little by little i grew into my skin, both literally and figuratively. literally, i've adorned myself with tattoos and piercings here for the first time, even though i used to believe my body was too ugly for those things. figuratively, i think i've learned more about what kind of person i am, what i want and need, what i like and don't like.

for the first time, i gave up on someone. i'm always worried about maintaining friendships, but sometimes it really doesn't work out. sometimes you both get hurt and someone needs to just cut the string before everyone gets scarred.

for the first time, i learned what it feels like to be tipsy and that i don't like it, which is okay.

i've learned that i am capable of making friends but i just take a little longer than others.

i've learned it's okay to reach out to people and that i shouldn't be scared, but it won't always go well and that is okay.

i have learned that i really am a pushover. i don't know how to say no and i don't know my own thoughts and opinions. i've learned to understand how i feel by focusing on which decision i'll regret the most, and i've learned that it's not bad to be a pushover because two stubborn people won't get anywhere, but that it's okay to learn to stand upright once in a while when i feel strongly about something.

i enjoyed my hobbies to the maximum here without feeling ashamed. i attended concerts and birthday events. i bought albums. i sang my heart out at karaoke, alone a lot of the time. i ate whatever i wanted, even if i didn't consistenly run every morning.

although i'm sure my morning runs will form a core memory, those days when i woke up at 7 and left at 8am towards dongdaemun station, running by the underpass and gritting my teeth because i would always get stared at. then coming back at 9 to take my laundry out and hang it in my tiny room, the laundry i'd started at 7 when i woke up.

i'll miss my gongcha runs after my 9am class on tuesdays and thursdays, when the same boy would always be working. if i knew korean a little better, maybe i'd befriend him.

i'll miss gongcha in general a lot, and all the flavours.

i'll miss hearing songs i know everywhere, seeing my idols everywhere and joking about how maybe treasure is in that big black car with the tinted windows passing by.

i'll miss coming to hongdae practically everyday, not for the clubs but for the stores and cafés.

i'll miss late night ice cream runs from the convenience store. i'll miss walking up the steps next to the goshiwon to the spot with the pretty nice view whenever i felt sad or stressed. i'll miss salt24 and their nutella croissant. i'll miss budajjigae and the way every ingredient in that thing goes so well with each other. i'll miss the bells on restaurant tables so you don't have to awkwardly wait for a server to pass by before you tell them what you need. i'll miss the self serve water and side dishes stations. i'll miss the stores that sell cute things for so cheap. i'll miss being able to watch channie's room at a normal time in the evening.

i'll dearly miss the yg cafè, which became my safe space on days when T would go do other things without me. i always felt so comfortable there.

i'll miss so many things and i'll probably forget about all the things that gave me a hard time, like not being able to breathe when i'm alone and walking in public because everyone's staring at me because i'm a foreigner. things like the language barrier, the loneliness i felt on persian new year, feeling like i was incapable of making friends. people pushing you when they want to get off the subway even though you're clearly getting off, too. being T's caretaker for my whole exchange and feeling so small because of many of the things she does. feeling insecure about my friends and not knowing if they care for me.

but i'll forget those things because the good outshines the bad, and as much as i struggled, cried, felt pain and any negative emotion, there was always light.

light like the restaurant worker giving me watermelon on a hot day when i was picking up quarantine food for T again. me being offered a seat 6 rows closer at the stray kids concert and meeting a stay who befriended me. winning entry to kard's showcase, winning a first row seat by luck and also Jseph's polaroid.

thank you. i worked so hard to get here, as selfish and big-headed as it sounds. rereading my logs from before arriving here reminds me of just how badly i wanted to be here. i spent a lot of time feeling sad, lonely, and left out, but i won't regret it. those feelings were part of the exchange, too.

i worked hard to remain here, and now it's time to go. i don't want to go just yet, but it is time to go and there's no delaying it.

all of this is okay. it's okay.

these 5 months will form the most beautiful memory for me. it was the best time of my life, no matter how hard and upsetting it was at times, no matter how the people around me acted.

to me, to anyone who reads this, i hope all of us remember that anything is doable. anything is possible and i promise that the things we want will happen, if we believe and if we put in the effort. when i first landed in korea and during the taxi ride to my quarantine location, when i went to get covid tested and when i finally left quarantine, i was so in awe. i was mezmerized and i was so happy i could die, because finally i was in korea. i couldn't believe i had made it happen.

those days, i remember them so vividly. it feels like it was just yesterday. and now i'm going back to canada.

yesterday, our last full day, T and i spent part of it in hongdae. hongdae is special for us because it was the first part of seoul we left the goshiwon to go see. we were always there every week and it was also the last part of seoul we went to see on our last day. each time we were there, we were slightly different. i think hongdae was the place that watched us grow the most.

so thank you, seoul. you were nice to me at times, but it always mostly felt like you were just tolerating me. nonetheless, so much happened in your city. i'm ready to carry you on my back. i'll never forget you, and i hope you won't forget me either.

thank you for being with me, if you read through this log at any point. i'm not sure if it did anything for you, but i hope it was worthwhile!

i hope you too, reader (if there are any), go chase your dreams and make it happen. it doesn't matter what other people think about your dream. if you treasure it, then run straight towards it.

this is roya, june 25th 2022, day of flight back to canada, signing off a post for the last time. may you all be well!! ♡

soo a week ago on may 30th? T caught covid and has been quarantining since. i've been running errands for her like throwing out her trash, refilling her water jug and going out to buy food for her. honestly, this weekend i got fed up. i felt really tired and a little unrecognized for my efforts. i haven't been going far from home just so i'm always in her vicinity if she ever needs me.

this weekend was a long weekend and many exchange students went to jeju/did other things. i stayed near home and ran to the restaurant whenever T was hungry.

i had a whole cycle of thoughts. i was mad at her at first for not getting better--she was barely eating a meal a day and wouldn't drink water. i thought to myself, does she even want to get better? she should eat even if she doesn't have an appetite.

then i got mad at myself for thinking this way. every body is different and heals at different speeds, requires different things.

i started to wonder if it was my fault. am i not doing a good enough job taking care of my friend? is my anger, my selfishness blocking me from properly helping her?

then i remembered what E told me before he left T to return to canada.

he told me to take care of T.

and in that moment, i fell to my knees. but who was taking care of me?

i know, again, i know. it's so selfish. T is the one who's sick and suffering and yet i'm like,, people are looking out for you. honestly, i can't say T would do the same for me. truthfully, i caught a cold during festival week. i was so weak, i felt horrible.

T told me to go buy some fruits.

i had no energy to leave my bed and she told me to go buy fruit for myself. in that moment, i think i wished she would've offered to buy them for me. and i think if i had covid, she wouldn't have stayed within my vicinity. i think she would've went out witj all her other friends. and i think i would've heen hurt.

although, T has treated me well. but sometimes, i guess like moments in these, i'm blind to it all.

i'm selfish. i'm not enough. it's a constant loop between these and more.

anywho, on the bright side, i went to get some soup for T today from a place i also went to 2 days ago. the lady recognized me and... fully offered me watermelon slices. watermelon is a big thing in persian culture so her offering that to me made me feel like i was at home, whatever home may be. she made sure i finished it all and refilled my plate. she patted me on the back when i left and told me to come again.

it may have just been customer service, but as a foreigner who is given nothing but glares and stares, this meant the world to me. i was smiling on my way home and thought it was the universe telling me i was doing okay at helping my friend, T, get better.

anyway, i only have 3 weeks left here now. i don't want to leave, but i do think it's time to get away. T has been an angel, but i think i need to go back to the people who understand me the most.

also, it's pride month and i have to spend it in the most homophobic country..

i'm a little tired of playing caretaker and i'm anxious to leave. i'm.. a mess.

@ my classmates

previous / next

honourable mention:

also why have i never been fazed by the fact that people ride electronic scooters here on the sidewalks and it's just totally normal? you can even rent the scooters, too...

previous log

before i write how these past 3 or 4 days have been, let me explain my song choice ^-^ it's long, so feel free to skip past it~

recently, an old friend of mine, who i'll call Han for now, reached out to message me. i haven't seen her since 2019.. anyways long story short, i think her finding out that i'm in korea prompted the text. she briefly thanked me for being a good friend to her back when i lived in england (she's from there and i lived there for a period of time). i think that was something i needed to hear from her for a long time. i was very insecure for many years after leaving england, always upset that no one remembered me despite me being so upset and caught up in the past. somehow, i managed to move on and heal from this as i met my beloved Leslie and Lorn (♡), but Han sending this message made me weak once again. my heart faltered a bit and i wanted to write some poems, but it's been hard. i guess i have some sort of writer's block? i usually listen to music to get inspired, but it hasn't been working too well.

Sequel by LUCY is the thing that hit closest and brought me near a writing mindset, but i'm still not near it yet. anyways, the lyrics that sing of letting go of a loved one but being grateful for the happy memories and waiting until you can meet again have hit me hard. Han and i grew up as different people in the end, since we were so far apart during our most tender adolescent years, but i know that if she is ever completely alone and in need of someone, i will run to her, no questions asked. she doesn't even have to do the same for me,, i am just so grateful for her friendship when i was in england that i know i can be there for her no matter what. anyways,,,,,,,, this log is dedicated to Han, who put me in a nostalgic mood ^-^ i can only hope she's okay and cheer her on from afar :D

back to our regularly scheduled programming! i must say though that a lot of people who i never talk to have been messaging me and acting friendly now that i'm in korea. also some close people have forgotten about me,, i guess moving away helps you find out who the real ones are ?!

on march the 16th, i had my first day of in-person class! i had to take the bus by myself, but it was okay because i'm already familiar with the route! i take the line 273 and it drops me right outside the front gates. it's relaxing taking the bus, despite the traffic and bumpy nature of the ride. it's soothing to look out the window and to watch as office workers, school kids, people who all have their own lives board and leave the bus. i always wonder where people are headed and silently wish them good luck with their day in my head ^-^

campus was extremely busy. it looks like something straight out of a kdrama!

i was worried about finding my classes, but didn't have much difficulty. i am in woodang hall mostly, except for one class which i have in the polisci and economics building. i usually sit near the front and no one sits anywhere near me... is it cause i'm a foreigner? am i smelly?!

it was so much easier to learn in-person. particularly my korean class, which i have with T, was a lot better in person. no breakout rooms, seeing everyone!!

it was hard to make friends on the first day because i was nervous. at the end of the day, i tried to talk to someone in my contemporary literature class, but they had to rush to another class. i went outside woodang hall and sat outside to enjoy the nice weather instead, while i waited for T's classes to be over.

someone approached me and asked where the unistore is, and since i had nothing to do, i helped walk them there. i did my best to make conversation!! and i was happy i could be of help ^-^

to be honest, i don't remember what happened wednesday night T.T what did i eat? where did i go after class? i don't recall T.T i think this might have been the day when i had a group meeting? and also went we went to the club fair? (it was in the club building next to woodang and everything was korean, it was cramped and loud so we didn't find much).

the next day, march 17th, i had a 9am class. i was running on 6 hours of sleep and for me, that isn't enough :< by the end of the day, i was very tired. i was falling asleep in my lecture despite being in front row! my professor continuously made eye contact as she spoke,, i'm thankful, since it helped me stay awake!

inbetween classes, i've been going to SK future hall. it's a huge study space with lots of room! i usually sit in a booth on the basement floor ^-^

once my classes were done, i rushed home to help T move into her new room. then, we went to no brand burger to eat before T went clubbing and i went to meet Dami so we could go to a café!

no brand burger is really cheap, around ₩5,000 for a full burger combo set!

Dami and i went to melting pom. i won't lie, it was hard to find, but it was worth it!! there were 2 pomeranian dogs who were so friendly :< when we sat down, they would stand up and scratch our legs, trying to hop on our laps. they also followed us around!

the café has beds that you sit on instead of tables and chairs. the theme is pink and the drinks are pretty! their macarons are delicious :O i had the red velvet one along with an oreo milkshake ^-^

ah, before this, we went to the lotte department store, which had a sanrio pop-up market inside the toys r us there. i bought a photocard collector binder since the prices were so good for the sanrio brand!

after the store and cafè, we parted ways and returned home.

on march 18th, T and i met Dami in hongdae to go to the pink pool café. we were late and i was stressed, but it was all good. of course i couldn't try anything because i'm fasting ;-; but look!

we then went to the main street in hongdae to go clothes shopping. i didn't buy anything because i wasn't in the mood, but i did see this Hyunjin bday ad! as i write, it's his birthday now, so happy bday, Hyunjin!!

oh, stray kids also had their comeback and i really like the title track ^-^

T then parted ways with us to go meet her friends who wanted to go clubbing--Dami and i headed to seoul station to eat at a place Dami has been recommending near her new house (she moved out T.T).

we had bibimbap there, since Dami said it was really good, and i think i just went in with expectations way too high, so i was a bit disappointed :< but it was still good!! it seemed super authentic. they were closing, though, so we had to eat fast!

Dami then showed me her place and it's a lot nicer than our goshi--i'm really happy for her!!

after that, we went to seoul (train) station to go to the lotte mart next to it. it's kinda like walmart :> i bought some hbaf almonds and wet wipes (idk why T.T) and we browsed all over before deciding to go home. we went to mega coffee before we went home tho! i got a mint choco latte,, tasted like a peppermint hot choco hehe so good ^3^

i then headed home and had to attend a career counselling meeting outside the subway station at hyehwa because i forgot about it T.T i'm glad i attended, tho! it was super useful!!

that was it for march 18th! on the 19th, i studied for most of the morning. in the afternoon, T and i went to a café she's been wanting to go to. i think it's called high waist? it was really pricey and each person is required to get a drink, but the vibes were nice!

we then wanted to find a place to eat. it was an area with a lot of tent bars and street foods, many alleyways that were bursting with life, but we decided on a more highend chinese cuisine spot. it was super good! i was just hungry so i ate ate ate heh.

we tried to find a dessert place in the area but everything was closing :< so we just went home to the sulbing near our place since we know it's always open late! we tried a strawberry one this time, and here is my ranking as of now: matcha > strawberry > mango ^3^

we then headed home for realsies!!

today (march 20th) we have brunch plans with a new friend of T's even tho i can't eat cause i'm fasting ^3^ and then i'm going to the Baha'i centre to have eftar with them because it is the last day of the fast! and tomorrow is persian new year!!

i kind of want to celebrate it in some grand way, but there's not really a way to do that here :< so, we're just planning to go to a persian restaurant with T :/ oh well!!

my mom has raised me to be a person who is always on-time, always early rather than late. so leaving the house with T at 1:35pm when we were meant to meet at 2 made me super uneasy. arriving at 3 made it worse. meeting Dami and having her tell me that 'you have no sense of time, you need to get a watch' was not fun either.

for some reason, it made me really uncomfortable. it made it hard to breathe and i had to step out to the bathroom. i don't know why i'm getting teary eyed. i don't know why it's so hard to breathe.

Dami scares me. people being upset at me/mad at me also scares me. i constantly apologized to Dami through text. T told me to stop because i'm letting her walk all over me that way. it's hard for me to be unapologetic like T. it's hard for me to not care about whether or not i've hurt someone's feelings.

T is fine with running late, i'm not. she knows i'm stressed about being on time, but somehow we're always late.

it's okay, it's fine. as T said, there's nothing we can do about it now. we're here now. i hope the rest of the day goes okay..

my heart is racing, it won't calm down. my nose is running. i need to wash my face, take a breath. come on, roya. don't be such a baby.