I can't sleep tonight. Again. There are two many images in my mind. So many that my thoughts are scrambled and my words are mixed up, and it's agonizing to even attempt to type it up. But it's worth it. It's worth it because, even though I know that she hates me, and even though I'll never be able to put us back together, I still love her, and I hope that if by some small chance, she does see this, it will make her smile, even just a little. I die every day that I'm not with her. I miss every single fiber of her body and soul. And I dream of spend the rest of my life with her. I would die peacefully if I saw her smile just one more time. I would never ask anyone for anything else if I only got to hear her sing a single last note to me. I would give her the world a thousand times over if I only got one last kiss from her. I loved the way she looked at me. She was adorable when she was mad. She made the entire world grin from ear to ear when she laughed. When she cried, oh God, the universe grieved. She gave me life, hope, an love. Every single memory I have of her, I will cherish for as long as I live. Every memory. Good and bad. We were going to the lake, and we had smiled and winked at each other. That was the first day I kissed her. Walking up and down her street for hours without end until the sun set on us during the summer. Watching a movie together, and she fell asleep holding my hand. I tried to pull away and give her a pillow. She pulled me close and held my hand tighter. Every single time we said "I love you" my heart skipped a beat. The night she shoveled pills down her throat and I searched for her. I found her in a patch of ivy. I scooped her up and ran home with her. The entire time, I kept telling her, I would never let her go. I would never love anyone like I love her. I won't let her die. I was scared that night. I held her hand, white knuckled, while my dad rushed us to the hospital. I waited there for hours until I knew she'd be alright. I was terrified. I never wanted to lose her. And what did I do? I left her because I was afraid of hurting her. I made the biggest mistake of my life. And now every memory haunts me. Sweetly at times, bitterly and others. I love her still. And I always will. I just wish I could live by her side. Unfortunately, that's not possible. She hates me for what I did to her. And I don't think I'll ever be able to fix it. Now all I can hope for is that she meets a better man than I, and lives a long and happy life. I just want her happy. Ilisia. I love you more than I will ever be able to explain. I hope one day, you might learn to love me again. I hope you do.
