#rowan stuff

I am not a kind person. When people try to comfort me they tell me I'm nice and kind and thoughtful. But I'm not, I don't have some inherent concern for others or empathy that lets me see things their way. I don't have any kind of social instinct whatsoever. Kindness is an effort, maybe it's an effort I go to as often as I can as many days as i can but it's never something that I just am. The kindness' I offer aren't spontaneous, they're canned. How I percieve kind people, how I percieve empathetic people to act are just the basis for what I do in similar sitatuions. I guess some people are foolish enough to mistake me for the real thing, but when I meet kind people, when I meet empathetic people, the difference between us is obvious. I don't acknowledge my autism or talk about it because I hate the idea of being a way simply because I am, because I hate the idea that i can't just ignore it and be something else. But I've tried that for a decade now, and the best i can be is like something else. Empathy doesn't come naturally to me, nothing social is natural to me, I don't unwind, I don't be myself, I just be whatever seems best, based on my warped perceptions And that means I hurt people, that means I make bad impressions by trying to force what can't come naturally. All that I am, all that I do is work within the limits of emulating what I've seen. Frankly on my own I'm not anything, trying to just be myself hasn't produced anything. I'm not a good person, I've just met good people. I'm not a kind person, I just try to be.