#rouxan

She turned to me and started laughing as she asked if I was scared. Of course I wasn’t afraid of the ride its self, it was more of the height factor, so I chuckled and said no. As soon as we got on I hugged the pole in the center and smiled when her face lit up. I loved making the kids happy, even if it was just one at a time. We had small talk and she tried to convince me to go on “speed”. After staring at the ride I choked out a fake laugh and shook my head, “oh hell no”.

When we got off the wheel she did a little dance and said she needed to go to the bathroom and I rolled my eyes stating that I had asked her five minuets before we got here if she had to and she declined. I looked around and hesitated as my eyes landed on a row of port-a-potties. “Well…” I said slowly and pointed at the row “There yah go”. She turned and paused before dragging me closer, she looked up at me and huffed “ewe”. I smiled and gestured for her to go, I had to go to but I would rather wait until my batter was about to burst than use a disgusting unlit porta-potty. She opened the door and after realizing how dark it was asked for my phone, I handed it to her and looked around as she did her business. There was a dark figure sitting behind one the rides that wasn’t running, and I decided he was the one supposed to be running it. It was the Han glider ride, one of my favorites, I thought it was a shame that it wasn’t working. She stepped out of the bathroom box and shook her head with disgust “there’s no way to wash my hands” I held up the Gatorade bottle and shrugged, “we can use this until we get water?” She nodded and held out her hands.

After a while of walking and her trying to convince me to go on speed I finally got her to go on some of the other rides that I could handle, but after three of those I realized I was getting too nauseated. Fortunately she had to go to the bathroom again and there was another set of port-a-potties by the ride she wanted to go on. I stood a little ways behind when she bumped into her friend, and I smiled realizing she was having fun after all. She convinced her friend to go on the ride with her and after going to the bathroom they waited in line, while I stood awkwardly at the exit. I watched the ride for a whole hour before her turn came, the people that came off were excited and said it was worth it and a little boy bragged about how he’s been on it ten times. It was weird being by my self but I was used to it so I just blanked it out. When it was there turn I smiled and laughed as they screamed. I knew willow wasn’t screaming but her friend was the one screeching like a wiled baboon. When they got off I followed them around and held there things as the rode other rides. After some caramel apples and a few more rides we finally reached the front, two younger boys had tagged along with us by then and they all ran towards the carousel.

The guy controlling the ride seemed bored and when all the kids went on I stayed back. The young man teased the children and I couldn’t help but smile. He was tall and chubby but strong and his eyes were lovely. He turned his attention to me and his accent made me melt. He smiled and I couldn’t help but smile with him, he kept teasing the boys and smiling at me when before they came around again. He even showed off a little, but the ride ended and I was kind of disappointed. The kids ran off and I lingered behind, I couldn’t pull myself away. My sister and her friend sat down at a bench near by so I stood by him and struggled to find something to say, luckily he started talking and I felt my face light up. There was something about this stranger that made me happy, something that gave me hope.

His friends came around and started teasing him; they would leave and come back. Then after a while we were accompanied by a drunk guy, they were talking for a while and I stood there wanting back his attention. Though he never stopped looking my way as if making sure I haven’t left I braved up and stole his glasses. He turned at me and laughed lightly, making silly remarks. The drunk guy started blurting things out like “oooh you guys are cute” and that would make him blush and me smile. My favorite was when he asked if I was his boyfriend and then got embarrassed when he realized his mistake. That’s when the man asked me for my number and started flirting more intently. He got my number and we talked and talked, we sat there for a while talking when some lady screamed “okay guys! Stop flirting I would like to get off now!” My face burned red and his smile grew wide. After a few more laughs and easy going conversations I checked the time and frowned when I had to go. He stood up disappointed and gave me his schedule of when he’s free. “Ill text you” he said with a smile as he loomed over me. I looked up and gave him a hug through the railing and nodded. “Okay” I said before I turned and gathered my sister to go home.

I was so excited I actually believed that he would text me. I stayed up until four and passed out at four fifteen with a disappointed spirit.

My dream that night was unusual, normally I don’t remember my dreams but I couldn’t help it. I was at a store that looked a little like toys r us but it had the decorations and the feel of a fair. There were also booths that I was going through, there were little items that were scattered about that you had to dig through and so I dug. I don’t know what I was looking for but it was a need. I stepped out and there was a grassy path with a ticket booth lit up on the left side. A woman was inside and her name was Sara, she was short and skinny, she kind of looked like Sabrina from ‘Raising hope’. I remember feeling like we were really good friends and I told her I was looking for something but I wasn’t sure what, she smiled and led me to a white tent and we sat at a bench. I want to so badly remember what I was looking for. The way I felt about it was as if I was worried, my heart was racing and my soul felt heavy with fear and disappointment. Then suddenly a man appeared and it was a blurred version of the boy at the fair. Sara smiled a beautiful smile while I gazed up at him in surprise. Suddenly I felt happy and excited and those feelings that I had before all the dwelling dreadfulness went away.

When I woke up it was only nine, I looked at my phone and was disappointed to see no strange number had texted or called. I asked my friend if we were hanging out and she replied after class. During that time I had sat on the couch and stared at the black TV, I don’t know what I was thinking or waiting for but I was waiting.

‘You’re stupid’ I thought. ‘A stupid dummy that got her hopes up even when you said you wouldn’t. Don’t be so childish, so naive, and so ignorant. Stop it’ I screamed at myself in my head. Finally I stood up to take a shower and get ready to go out with my friend.

I sucked in a deep breath and put on the biggest smile I could. My feelings were all mixed and aggravated. We went out and bought her boyfriend stuff, we went to the mall and as soon as we walked through the doors a carousel for kids was staring us in the face. ‘This is just a coincidence’ I thought. We passed several stores that would have horses or bright colors on them, flashing neon lights and everything that would remind you of the fair. After buying some hats we left and after another long talk about food she bought all of us dinner. During dinner I had a long text conversation with Jeremy and asked all of my friends, even my mom, if they went with there head or there gut. Of course the answers varied but the majority had been gut. After dinner I had asked her to drop me off at Jeremy’s house though she questioned my behavior she shrugged it off and agreed. Before we departed I asked her and her boyfriend one more time “brain or gut?” they both said gut. So that’s what I decided to do. My gut had been screaming at me all day to go and see if he’s still there, go and see, go and see.

I knocked on Jeremy’s door and he looked at me with a droopy look. He knew where we were going; we had the conversation thought the day. We were going and staying until nine.

We drove and I was laughing at myself the whole way there, I laughed nervously and I stayed silent. I even asked out loud a million times ‘what are we doing what am I doing? Why are you driving us?” And he just smiled and tried to take my mind off things. He would reply ‘I don’t know. Why are we going?’ and I would always reply “my gut won’t shut up about it”.

We got lost because all of the rides and everything were gone and packed away in trailers so we didn’t see them. We drove around and he kept telling me ‘It’s not worth it, he’s just some dude, why is this getting to you? He was going to just use you anyway.’

But the feeling inside me was like a crying bear, No one could understand the feeling I had. It was like my soul had been dumped on and it would stop crying, like it was trying to sleep but it was tossing and turning worrying about something. It was terrible. I finally announced that I had to urinate and after the millionth time of announcing it we finally pulled over to the Publix that was a walk away from where the fair used to stand. After that we decided to get ice cream and walk for a bit. It was fun, even though my heart was eating dirt, Jeremy tried his best to take my mind off everything and it was exciting. We sat on the sidewalk in front of the Trailer trucks and talked about silly things. We saw two dirt hills and started rolling around on them, running back and forth screaming and laughing and jumping. It was like one of those nights you dream about, the summer night that you sit in the back of a truck or in some grass and look up at the stars with your significant other and day dream. I knew I was making Jeremy uncomfortable by making him stay and I could see his eagerness to leave so after a while I got up and we both started walking back. On our way back people that worked at the fair were going back to there trucks, they were leaving at nine. One group passed and I swallowed hard, there was a figure that walked with them that had the body build of the guy I had met. I wanted to run up to them and ask if they knew him, I wanted to ask if it was him but my nerves kicked in and I pushed Jeremy out of the way playfully instead. With every group that passed I had the same urge but I didn’t have the nerve. The whole way back I also spelled his name with my hands and I sang it in a little tune; R- O- U- X- A- N. I sang it over and over, teasing Jeremy and laughing when he finally threatened me to stop. When we neared home we went to Liz’s house and hung out then Jeremy went home and I hung out with Liz and then... I went back home. To my lonely bed, and back to that nagging feeling in my gut.