#roorants

i want it to be so, how i want it so bad

ray is the character i relate to more than any other (well him and reiki from sk8)

i will never feel wanted or like i belong will i?

sometimes it feels like people treat me like a girl who uses they/them pronouns, and it makes me want to cry lol, i am so far from girl, call me anything but a girl, not to mention i like and use he/him pronouns, i like be called a boy, i see myself as a boy, i am a boy lol

my therapist told me to journal and express my emotions but i don’t always like that idea especially not to other people, i feel like i could scream into the abyss endlessly but i couldn’t explain that emotion to sometime else, i think i need to talk to someone when something is wrong but what do i even say? the words fail me and i don’t know how to explain any of it how do you explain the feeling that is deep and dark inside the back of the rib cage that feels like a black hole eating away at you. I can’t bring myself to say the words… my dog is dead, i killed my dog bc i couldn’t be enough i couldn’t do enough i was weak and scared and now he’s dead and gone buried with my other pets i love him so much it feels like a piece of myself is missing i walk into my bedroom and listen for him when i come home everytime a dog barks outside i silently want to cry and part of me delusionaly wonders if it’s him, but he’s dead and i’m never gonna see him again or hear his bark again, and i feel so fucking alone soooo sooo alone everyone says to reach out but i cant ask directly for anything without feeling guilty and riley wants jake with her all the time and suddenly i am no longer her person or the most important person in her life but i don’t think she realizes she’s half out the door of our friendship i keep thinking just give her more time but i don’t feel less alone ever and i so so so desperately want to be held and loved and cared for i like kaz i like kaz so much but i’m so touch starved and i have to learn to let my walls down and let kaz in before i can have a real relationship but idk if they even want that bc they feel so far away and fuck i miss my dog a lot i miss my dog so much