with the recent news of iskall (and stress) leaving hermitcraft, a quick reminder: do not watch any drama videos speculating on what has happened, or trying to sensationalise the issue. dont trust anything anyone says about his departure unless it comes from a hermit or close friend of iskall's. when bad things goes down in ""clean"" communities, drama channels jump on that shit like sharks to blood. dont give them the time of day. dont feed into the speculation
you can absolutely be upset, or disappointed, or conflicted. but dont let yourself succumb to watching every drama video trying to get answers - most dont care about those affected, or the hermitcraft members, or even iskall. they want the cheap buck of making a video about something going wrong in a generally drama-free community. best thing we can do is support the remaining hermits and be on the look out for information verified by hermits themselves
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i know everyone headcanons cleo as the collective caregiver of the server littles, but im rewatching their 3rd life pov and.. big sister cleo (8-10) with little brother bdubs (4-6) is real to me
I've been trying to write this post for forever but uhhh yes I suppose it's a lot easier to do a quick primer first but uhh
I'm so so sorry I don't answer asks! And I want to change that soon.
[a LONG post about autism, blog updates, and PDA]
TL;DR: I have Pathological Demand Avoidance, but I'm growing from it and hope to become more social on here in the near future!
If you've seen me asks or messages, I promise I don't hate you!! I love you!! I'm so serious
Soon I plan on making a longer post explaining what I've been preoccupied with, and also changes I want to make to this blog in the near future (all small and good!)
But to put it shortly -
I've been suffering from Pathological Demand Avoidance SO HARD and it's been something I've struggled with for some time.
If you don't know Pathological Demand Avoidance - or more accurately named Pervasive Drive for Autonomy - is a profile of autism:
In short though - because asked to do something, ANYTHING, even indirectly makes my brain stall. I know it sounds ridiculous.
It's not even in a cute anarchist 'I don't have to listen to you!!' type of way. Fam it's. EVERYTHING.
It's not so much the activity that's triggering it. I LOVE talking to people so much, but... like, speaking in conversation is like a demand. Someone calling my name is a demand, doing homework, showing up to places on time, brushing my teeth everyday etc.
It's often why young children with autism may not respond to you talking to them, say 'I can't do x, my legs don't work!!', hide when expected to do things, literally REFUSE to go to school (big me thing), etc.
It's linked to the diagnosis (and misdiagnosis) of 'Oppositional Defiance Disorder'.
That's why I may seem very extroverted (which I am!! ILY!!!) but I don't ever appear to talk to anybody or react to them.
For example - It's more likely for me to add to a tag game if I'm not tagged because when I am, I feel really happy to be thought of but then 'Oh God I have to do a thing. Not right now but soon. The thing I have to do. That eventually must be done. I have committed and I must Do Something. Me doing the thing is approaching. The inevitable thing. That must be done. The inescapable thing'.
ON & ON regardless of what it is. I'm not opposed to doing whatever it is, the demand could be completely self-imposed. I'm just opposed to doing something.
Anything preplanned, asked, or expected of me.
That's why I often abandon fics, or say I'll write an essay and then don't do it. I still remember, but finishing the essay becomes a self imposed demand and then.. I can't do it lol
All in all - this can kinda make notifications really hard for me.
@spidey-bie can tell you, even in discord I'm a little lurking gremlin who is only summoned at inopportune moments and when someone has pissed me off
Usually, my response is ALWAYS flight. I may like an ask or message and enjoy it, even have a response in mind - but instead of answer my immediate reaction to is abort mission and FULLY close the app and find the nearest corner, or try my best to appear offline.
IT'S WEIRD.
I have no idea if others will understand what I'm trying to convey because I know the concept may sound bizarre, and I get that. It really was a concept I only really learned about recently.
But that's why I mean seem very talkative and hyperverbal and bubbly but also like never appear to be social with anyone ever.
PDA is like -
Me: oh wow this person is so sweet. I consider them a friend, I should message them back.
My brain: Yeah.
Me:... message them back.
My brain: fuck you. anyway write an essay literally no one demanded
Me: Why? Can I at least write that fic that I left hanging for eight months
My brain: No someone complimented you on that once and now there's Demand. Write something 100% unrelated.
Me: *starts writing an essay no one asked for and doesn't even finish it because finishing it has become a demand even though I'm the only one who even knows the essay exists in the first place*
Like girl be so fr. Even saying this I feel like it sounds like a lie 😭 I got Hobie brain. Some old 'I'll do it but not because you told me to' headass.
I'm Miguel and my brain wanna 'Nah imma do my own thing' on some Miles shit.
Guess how many drafts I have. Guess. WRONG. TWO HUNDRED.
Nah be forreal is that normal? Y'all got that or nah? Is that common I'm being deadass 😭😭
And girl I'm not even gonna show the number in my inbox cause I'd rather be tarred and feathered than indure that humiliation imma be honest 😐 rather be burned at the stake
But I know that me being so active and like... Not Responding can be very hurtful and I'm so sorry!!
Though I know that didn't make up for it. I know it can make me come off as fake or mean but that's not my intention at all, I promise.
Honestly I just have a brain where everyday feels like opposite day.
But I'm a grown ass person and uh!! I want to change that response.
So please don't stop replying or tagging me in things! I genuinely do love it 💖
This blog is really one of my favorite places in planet Earth and I love this community SO SO MUCH.
Going forward I want to invest more time here and just meta writing in specific.
I'm thinking (girl I'm phrasing this SO CAREFULLY so my brain doesn't think it's a demand like shh I hope the autism doesn't hear me) -
I'd like to maybe designate a day for asks to be answered/queued (as many as I can pump out) because I really love talking with y'all and y'all have SUCH good ideas
I'm hoping to do more Spidersona stuff but I'MA HAVE TO PACE MYSELF OKAY that's not a Demand autism we're just having nice hopeful thoughts NOT A DEMAND
So uhh I don't know how I'll encorporate more Spidersona stuff but yeah... It'll happen.
Other stuff too. Other stuff.
[Notice how I have to be like 'I'm hoping, I'm thinking, I might, I'd like to,'. I'm ALLERGIC to 'I will' 🤢🤢🤢]
I plan on making another life update post just to clear up some things maybe talk more specifics. I'm thinking Tuesdays or Thursdays -
I'll most likely close my ask just to pump out the asks that are still relevant time wise.
I'd also like to take more about PDA in short posts of if anyone is interested. Honestly, I think there are some advantages to PDA.
YES I HEADCANON HOBIE AS HAVING IT.
I DON'T FOLLOW ORDERS NEITHER DOES HE.
Save me Hobie.. Hobie save me (I be using him to internally justify my PDA.. 'like Hobie wouldn't want me to answer this linkdin email' 😭😭)
BUT UHHHH If you read this far and you're still here I LOVE YOU YOU MEAN SO MUCH TO ME HOBIE BE UPON YE
I truly appreciate you, thank you for hearing me out!
Hobie says remember to be a public nuisance and never cooperate with anything and leave the function early and steal
I'm gonna go do something that doesn't matter and that no one asked for that I probably won't finish for no reason :) (/pos)
Yet another ramble because I have many thoughts about many characters :D
Louis is that gifted kid in your class that everyone thought would live the best life and be something amazing but burned out and never lived up to their potential.
The kind of person that could read countless books in a day but now can’t even get through a paragraph. The kind of person that seemed to pick things up effortlessly but now abandons things when they aren’t immediately good at them. The kind of person that never needed help with thing and now doesn’t even have an idea how to so they give up instead.
The drinking, the smoking, the over-sleeping, any form of escapism and distraction is something that he’ll dig his nails into and refuse to let go of - it makes him feel like alive for once, it helps him feel real.
He’s so sick of hearing people tell him that they had such high hopes for him or that he disappointed them - he knows and it makes him feel nauseous to even think about.
He has to rely on Oliver to make him food and prompt him to shower because he will just lay on his couch and refuse to take care of himself. In his mind, he hasn’t done anything to deserve having the basic necessities, those feel like luxuries to him.
All his hobbies, all his likes, all his interests: he just lost interest in them. He doesn’t even know what his favourite colour is or what kind of person he is, he’s not sure what he likes anymore.
The only time he even tries is when the child nations are around, he doesn’t want to poison them with his issues so he tries his best to be presentable for them. He wants them to be better than he is, he couldn’t stand seeing them turn out like he has.
He knows that he’s doing bad and he needs help but he’s scared of getting better, this sickness is strangely comforting to him and he’s not ready to let out of that yet.
