#roma writes

I was always so out of it. I didn't notice a lot of things. I've missed the way my friend's ED gradually got worse, how my ex had an awful relationship with her parents, i've missed the way my friend was bullied and how my mom was unhappy. I've let my own actions be the reason my ex-friend now has trust issues. I was a bad partner in a relationship

I definitely wasn't a good friend. I could have done more. I should have been there for them in their hard times. But i was too selfish and invested into people who don't even exist and worlds that i created in my head to do so. The worst part is i couldn't even bring myself to care a lot of times

And this is why i hate MaDD so much. This is why i want to get rid of it so bad. I don't want to be this person anymore. I hate my own indifference. I hate my selfishness. I want to be a better friend, a better partner, a better person. I want to be someone i myself can be proud of

I've made mistakes and now it's only left to learn the lessons

And they basically have all of my memories... And they remember living in the August of 2020, still being a MaDDer.... And having parame who is me in the future.......... Who also has all these memories. UMMMMM??

Seems like i might have accidentally created a multiverse loop ☠️

Also me: logs into anonymous online chat, hypes myself up for almost 1 hour to just try it, gets social anxiety attack 2 minutes later, flips my sh/t and proceeds to daydream about parame being cool and successful.

But it also makes me feel numb. I feel like every time i let myself fall back i take away my own freedom. I feel caged. Empty. Fake. Sad.

Nothing feels real anymore.

I wonder sometimes if i would break. If i stayed, tried a little bit harder, put a tiny bit more effort. Would i become stronger or would i just crack under the weight i never learned to carry. Is discovering it even worth the risk.

Do i really need to let myself fall to learn to fly.

Vent writing.

Lack of identity. Anxiety

I'm so fed up of this. I had a bad migraine on Friday night and still felt a bit weird on Saturday. Yesterday, I got fed up of my laptop never reliably having enough power (the battery level constantly changes) so I decide to check if I can buy a replacement battery. I didn't realise you could do this until Saturday, but Microsoft (it is a Surface Pro 4) don't sell replacement batteries. They sell the laptops but not the batteries, and I was outside of the warranty. So I looked around to see if I could find any else online and I found one in Amazon. Thinking, okay but the workers, I check on the site, there's no reviews, nothing to say that its a legitimate thing at all, even better, they don't ship to Northern Ireland. After checking the Microsoft website again, they wanted to charge me £428 for the trouble to get it refurbished.

To cut a long story short, I've ordered a new laptop, it's a Chromebook, so hopefully the battery will hold up a little bit better.

This was after I couldn't find my Charlotte Tilbury nude lipstick. And my head was still a but funny.

I’m starting to write my first novel and it’s a fantasy novel. So the characters all have strangely spelled names (or accents over letters) and its getting so hard to remember how to spell everything. Fuck why didn’t I call all the characters Bob? That would be easier to spell.