#roleplaying ethics

As some of you know, I struggle with a number of disabling health issues that affect both my ability to accomplish daily tasks, as well as my social life.

[You can skip the part between the brackets if you already know…

Simply put, my body is unable to use the oxygen in my blood to effectively produce cellular energy (ATP); which, in turn, is causing virtually all of my systems to malfunction.

Also, if I use more ATP than available during the day (i.e. do not respect the limits imposed by my body because I’m a stubborn bastard that desperately wants to DO THINGS), I won’t be able to recuperate to the previous level on the next day.

Right now, I operate at about 5% of a normal human being’s capacity (now I just plain sound like EDI).

We believe that the origin of the problem might be autoimmune, and I am followed by a medical researcher in Ottawa, as well as a number of specialists.

Technically, I have to try to avoid doing any task more strenuous than washing my hands while sitting, or interacting with others on the computer during 95 to 99% of the day if I do not want to make my symptoms worse.

Symptoms include: brain fogs, cognitive difficulties, dizziness, nausea, tremors, skin rashes, sleep disturbances, pain, crushing level of fatigue and so forth…

I should also technically limit the time that I spend on cognitive activities (such as reading or writing), because the brain is pretty much one of the largest consumers of ATP (cellular energy) and my reserves are very limited.

But that part is the hardest.  I am a very social beast that has the hardest time being trapped alone at home without wanting to find one way of reaching out into the world.  Lol!  But when I push too hard and do not listen to my symptoms, I do pay for it.]

In July, I created a Pacific Rim roleplay group on a website called “roleplayer.me”.

I had a wonderful time initially, except I discovered that the roleplaying there is very different than what is done here.

Essentially, there is no clear cut between the “mun” and the “muse” over there; and people usually remain in character all of the time.

On Tumblr, when people approach me to roleplay; they are speaking to a writer with the ability to portray Kaidan, EDI, or Raleigh in threads or in storylines.

The vast majority of the roleplayers here are multi-shippers.  They are basically writing stories for their characters.  So if there happens to be a romance in that story; it doesn’t affect or negate any other romance that they might be writing in any other storyline/thread with someone else.

It’s a bit like writing fanfiction.  I can easily write a Wilenko story; and then write another story that is MShenko.  Although they both involve Kaidan, each story exists in its own world, and the incarnation of Kaidan in both stories is a different one.  i.e. The Kaidan that is involved with Ashley Williams, does not live in the same world that the Kaidan that is in love with Shepard.

Duplicates are also typically well loved / tolerated.  Writers love their characters, but they do not own them (unless they are OCs).  And they will be excited to read the writing of other people that roleplay the same character, just like fanfiction writers will be thrilled to read the work of other writers.

The Tumblr RPing community is not perfect.  There are situations of abuse and people letting things go too far.  However, as a rule, I find that the overall approach is healthier, and especially more respectful of the distinction between the writers (a.k.a. roleplayers, muns), and their characters (muses).

On roleplayer.me, when people want to initiate roleplay with you, they typically address themselves directly to the character.

If I’m Raleigh, then I’m Raleigh all of the time - while plotting, in chats, even when sharing things from my personal life.  I reply to people with Raleigh’s personality / attitude, and sign “Raleigh” at the end of my messages.

People typically have a single LI (love interest) that is featured on their main profile.  Having more than one LI is often seen as being essentially “slutty”, disrespectful to your “lover”, and so forth.

A lot of the roleplayers will purposely avoid mirrors / duplicates; and might even be insulted, angry, or hurt if they see you roleplay with the same characters that they are portraying.

This is a very immersive roleplaying style, that sadly seems to create the perfect environment for some to try to take control of other people’s characters, and generate a lot of drama.

And at some point, getting under Raleigh’s skin and losing myself into this character became somewhat addictive to me; because it helped me forget that, when I stop, I’m trapped in my own body and watching others live their lives from the sidelines.

While – on a perfectly rational level – I know that roleplaying is just a game; I eventually became way too invested in Raleigh emotionally, to the exclusion of almost everything else.  Somehow, the lines between reality and fiction became blurred.

And this is quite dangerous; because this can lead to people taking advantage of that.  Sadly, this is exactly what happened. 

Another roleplayer befriended me on that website, and became Raleigh’s exclusive LI.  He totally swept Raleigh off his feet, and bombarded him with love, cuddles, tons of positive reinforcement.  The writer behind his own character was crazy imaginative, also loved my ideas (as much as I expressed interest for his), and we spent countless hours brainstorming and interacting together…

At first, he was in contact with me 7 days/week; often from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed (which I found quite surprising / impressive)… 

And while I never fell “in love” with him (especially considering that I share my real life with the love of my life already), he quickly became a very close and dear friend to me.

The whole thing reminded me a little bit of when I used to be in high school and would spend the whole day with my best friend at school, and then hours and hours on the phone when I got home!

Just the kind of close friendship where you hang out together and constantly speak about whatever is on your mind (even if it makes no sense), geek out…  Sometimes, just watch a movie with the other person on the phone, even if no one is speaking; simply to feel the other’s presence.

Basically, it reminded me of the time where life was still simple, and I thought that I had the whole future ahead of me. 

And, currently living a pretty “sheltered life” where my real life friends are all busy working, traveling, raising their kids, etc.  It was nice to have someone being there.

Except that the moment where Raleigh agreed to share an exclusive relationship with his character, the (ridiculously intense) “honeymoon phase” lasted for about 2 months, and then things started changing…

We got caught in a number of misunderstandings, which he typically blamed on the fact that he was bad at expressing himself through words or talking about his emotions.

Thing is, I actually live with a man that is bad at expressing himself through words and talking about his emotions.  A lot of my friends tend to be people that are bad at expressing themselves through words and talking about their emotions.  And I’m usually pretty comfortable with that.

Except the problem was that those “misunderstandings” were often about things that were suddenly handled as if they were threatening the survival of the whole relationship (both between muns and muses).

The pattern was that I either did or expressed something that was misunderstood, which in turn created a disproportional reaction to what I’d just expressed or tried to say, and the sudden potential collapse of our friendship (or his character’s relationship with Raleigh) became my fault.  So it was my responsibility to justify myself and clear things up before it was too late!

The problem for me wasn’t so much about his so-called inability to communicate, but the fact that I was walking on eggshells to avoid triggering an emotional response that would THEN make it harder for him to communicate.

(In short: It got pretty twisted)

Why bother?  Because things used to be ridiculously good between us, and there was a time where I felt like he could understand me better than anyone else. 

So it’s like you keep trying to figure out what’s happening, and how to return to that point in the friendship / relationship where everything was good and you felt happy, safe and understood around that person.

He also became insecure about Raleigh’s friendship with other characters (ex: Tendo, Mako) – he had admitted to having trust issues to begin with, and I was apparently one of the very few people in his life that he did trust…  Yeah, you see where this is going… – which put me in a position where I constantly felt the need to reassure him that his trust in me wasn’t misplaced.

That roleplayer somehow ended up creating the unspoken belief that “If I was to lose him as Raleigh’s LI – then he would lose interest in being my friend as well.”

His AIM started “eating up my messages” – oddly enough often when we were right in the middle of a conversation that I felt was important; and where his sudden “disappearance” left me feeling insecure that I might have upset him, and he was now gone for good (what if I’d triggered that emotional response I was talking about earlier?).

And the funny thing is, I was raised by a mother with a malignant narcissistic personality disorder, I know about emotional manipulation techniques and I’m usually fairly good at spotting them.

But I still got caught.  Because each time that I felt that “something didn’t add up”, I was so desperate to get back to what I’d experience with him during these two amazing first months, that I would purposely try to find excuses for his behavior – even on a subconscious level – to convince myself that everything was alright.

i.e. That he truly was the wonderful friend that he’d made me believe to be;  because I did care for him, I did trust him, and Raleigh (the character that I’d become deeply invested in) did love him.

And the thing was that he didn’t manipulate like a person with a narcissistic personality disorder would, either.  These weren’t the patterns that I was used to.

I wasn’t used to an emotional manipulator that can fake taking responsibility for his actions in such a way.  I wasn’t used to an emotional manipulator that can show what appears to be genuine empathy for someone.  An emotional manipulator that is not desperate to preserve his image to protect his ego.

The manipulation in this case was not about the pathological need to appear perfect and faultless; to make everyone else around him responsible for his mistakes.  He wasn’t dependent on the victim for what we call “narcissistic supply”.

The manipulation was simply about control and power over the relationship, about dominating someone else for the simple pleasure of watching them trying to reclaim what was there in the beginning.  It’s a power play for the hell of it, nothing else.

The pattern that the whole process followed is extremely close to that one.  Except the romance was always between two characters, not two people.

But the friendship that I built with him through Raleigh was real to me.  So yes, I did “love” that person, and I did care for him deeply.  And it does hurt to realize that the friendship on his side was but a cruel game of power play.

And I do indeed find it troubling that, despite my own personal experience with emotional manipulation and abuse, I have accepted to purposefully keep myself from roleplaying Raleigh with other people for a very long time, for fear that if he saw me writing storylines with others – romance or not – he would “leave Raleigh” and I would “lose my friend”.

He never told me “you can’t roleplay with anyone else”, but each time I did, it seemed that it lead to misunderstandings, so I stopped roleplaying Raleigh with others by myself because I gave priority to the feelings I had for him over other people (and incidentally my own well-being as well).

He suddenly became my sole writing partner for that character.

I find it very troubling that I made sure to keep Raleigh from interacting with anyone else if he wasn’t directly involved (when we were initially part of a larger group), or able to witness every single exchange between the other roleplayer and I.

Usually, when I write, it’s perfectly clear for me when I’m stepping into the fantasy; and when I’m stepping out.  And I don’t get so attached to a character that when the writer is losing interest in the storyline, it feels like the whole friendship (if we’ve become friends) is being threatened; or that I’m going to lose the entire connection that I have with my muse (in this case, Raleigh).

So if you are still reading this, I would suggest that you take a minute to read this post here.  But while doing so, be aware that emotional manipulators are usually very good at hiding their intents, and making you believe that you are doing things because you choose to do them. 

They will rarely tell you directly “you can’t roleplay with others”, but they will find subtle ways to make you feel less (less interesting, less worthy of their time, less loveable, less understanding, less good, etc.) when you do.

A few interactions with you, and they’ll know exactly what to do, what to avoid, and which buttons to push in order to gain power over you.

Other dead giveaways?

If they accuse you of being insecure of paranoid…

If they accuse you of not trusting them…

If they accuse you of trying to find ulterior motives or hidden meanings to their behavior…

It’s a classical emotional manipulation technique (that one I already knew about, thanks mom!). You accuse the victim of acting like they are insecure or suspicious, and their first instinct is going to want to prove (to the manipulator or even themselves) that it is not the case.

So while the victim torture themselves trying to understand what they did wrong that would have made the manipulator feel like they were scrutinized, they aren’t looking at what the manipulator is putting them through, or the means he’s taking to control their thoughts / emotions / behavior.

Of course, someone that points out insecurities in a way that is supportive and non-judgmental is not necessarily a manipulator.  But when they are using said insecurities against you to try to make you feel guilty or wrong, defective, or delusional for experiencing them, it usually is.

So the last month has pretty much been devoted to two things:

1. Preparation, participation, and recovery related to a study project in Ottawa (involving a two days cardio-pulmonary exercise test) that inevitably created a setback in my symptoms, and from which I am still heavily recovering from.

2. Helping Raleigh recover from the abusive relationship that he has just experienced, and taking some emotional distance from the character in order to be able to mourn the friendship that I have lost as well.

Oddly enough, “taking some emotional distance from Raleigh” currently means giving him priority and a lot of attention.  Lol!

I need Raleigh and I to fully return to being our own selves.  I need to be able to love my muse and work with him in a way where he and I share a “headspace” together when we write; but otherwise we remain two different people.

I need to write Raleigh with other people, give him the chance to experience other romances and evolve in an environment where it is safe for him to do so, and where he is respected and loved / cared for.

So the more different people I get the chance to write him with, the more Raleigh feels like his own person to me, and the easier it is for me to accept what happened, and move on from it.

I love Raleigh, I love Pacific Rim, and I can guarantee that I still love the character that this person was portraying like crazy!  Lol!  ;  b

So that’s what I’m doing right now, reclaiming Raleigh, reclaiming my love for that verse, and making sure that what happens remains – in the end – a constructive learning experience.

I still love Kaidan and EDI like crazy, too, and I do not at the moment wish to drop any of my current threads or roleplaying partners for them. 

But it seems that they have currently made themselves “quieter” to allow both Raleigh and I to take care of ourselves, and strike the right balance between us.  Which thankfully seems to be going rather well.

I do not know exactly when I will be ready to permanently resume my roleplaying with Kaidan and EDI.  I might still show up every once in a while to work on one or two replies, too, or post something that is related to them.

I’m just officially calling this a hiatus so that those of you waiting for replies know that I didn’t just “up and leave”, or drop you.

I simply have an oversized puppy (as well as myself, because I have to return to Ottawa for more medical follow ups in June) to take care of right now…

Yeah, I’m talking about you Rals…

If they say “no”, you move on.  They have a right to decline the offer.  If they say “yes”, you initiate the relationship while being mindful of each others’ personal boundaries. 

Ex: I roleplay with a partner that has never told me his real name; but he knows mine.

I don’t believe that he trusts me or cares less for me than I do because he’s not revealing more intimate details about himself.  It’s not a “I gave you my name, therefore you owe it to me to tell me yours”.

He’s just a more introverted and private person when it comes to his RL - and he has the right to be - while I am more extroverted and comfortable revealing certain types of personal information.

Our comfort zones are different.  Our personal boundaries are different.  That’s all there is to it.  And I care enough for him to respect that; without taking it as a lack of trust on his part, a personal attack, or starting to put pressure on him.

Besides, the type of relationship we have (roleplaying, and online friendship) works perfectly well with or without that bit of information.

There is a strong sense of reciprocity and balance between us; but balance doesn’t imply that both partners must behave exactly the same.

Ex: If I’ve got more free time than he does, perhaps offering him one entire day of availability to write asks from me the same amount of efforts (in terms of planning and organization) than when he’s able to offer me one hour of his time.

So 1 day for me = 1 hour for him.  The reciprocity is there.  If I’m saying "I’m here for the whole day, therefore you owe me to be there for a whole day!”, I’m the one breaking the balance.

Spending time on social media sites, I find that a lot of people have no idea how to say “no”; or have been so shamed in the past when they’ve tried to say “no” to someone, that they are afraid that putting limits with others will make them lose friends, and/or hurt people’s feelings.

Respect yourself, your personal limits, your comfort zones, and people that are interested in you for who you are - v.s. what you can do for them - will still love you and accept you.

And here’s a secret: it is 100% impossible to make anyone like or love you.  When someone appreciates you for your actions, they are the ones evaluating them; which means that at any moment their satisfaction criteria might change, and they can remove their so-called “love” and support.  Independently of your actual efforts, and desire to please them.

They care for you as much as they care for their car and their favorite dress.  Once the car stops working according to expectations (no matter how much “repairs” (pressure) they put on it to get it to do what they want), or their dress has a hole in it, all they’ve got to do is throw them away and get a new one!

They are the ones 100% controlling their “love”, you have zero power over that.  You could try to give them everything, be everything for them; and if they still decide that it’s not “good enough”, they’ll let you know (if they think they can still squeeze more juice out of you, or enjoy the sense of power they have over you), and/or drop you (if they find a better “toy” to manipulate and play with).

When someone cares for you as an individual - as long as you respect them, too, and don’t behave abusively towards them, either - they will go on caring for you and offering empathy and support regardless of your so-called “performance”. 

You can put limits with them, and they’ll be comfortable with that; because they want you to feel safe and comfortable around them as well.

So yeah, roleplaying, for me, should be fun.  It should be a place where you can sit down, kick back, relax, be whoever and whatever you want to be, without worrying about meeting other people’s expectations or taking responsibility for their happiness.