#roguerequiem

I feel strongly that I met Garfield through the rest of the nerd squad.  I volunteered to be Jonathan’s mom figure and hung out with Edward.  Eventually I was bound to meet their obnoxious friend (”Acquaintance.” “Plague.”).  Probably when they’re all in trouble, statistically speaking.  He was a cheeseball, I was a cheeseball, everyone else was doomed.

Skyquake would of course be a little protective of Dreadwing, but overall I think he’d be less thoughtful and reserved than his brother about the idea of a relationship, even with a native.  It might actually take Skyquake less time than Dreadwing to work through the whole notion.  I like to think he’d be okay with me.

No Arkham Knight headcanons yet, sorry.  I’m still mostly baffled.  And smiling to myself about the idea of Anarky’s return.

I am pleased to report that your first date with Lex was almost ten hours long.  (FYI, I called the first date.  The three of us have three different answers about what counted as the first date, but I’m the only one who’s right.)  You’d had a few sincere talks at this point, but still spent a lot of time antagonizing each other and denying your attraction.  You made fun of his snobbish taste in liquor and food, he made a quip about prioritizing quality, and off you went.  Because he was trying to prove something to you, you had to pretend not to be impressed by the food at the restaurant, which only made the date longer.  You went to a musical, a burger place, and very possibly a bookstore.

Megatron is suffering.  You spent some short time just observing and taking everything in, and during that, he was safe.  As soon as you said something you—clever, not unkind, unnervingly knowledgeable, dangerous—it was too late for him.  (In the middle of a strategy session, too.  Very unfortunate timing.  But Megatron is a stoic and Soundwave was the only one who noticed.)  He started paying attention to you.  It only got worse from there.  Megatron contained the problem for a long time before he finally started trying to eat your face.

"As much as it is possible to understand your mind," Ultron continues.  He watches the readout.  Your thoughts don't flash across the screen in text and pictures, but you're still afraid that Ultron can see everything.  You have no idea.  His back is to you, his hands folded behind him.  You crane your neck to look at him, but wires pull at the electrodes on your scalp. You see half an outline, the shift of silver.  "Have you considered what a miracle language is for you?  Communication?  You've found a way to take this..."  He trails off with a nearly inaudible hiss, and his voice sinks into a scraping whisper. "This mess... and give others a way to untangle it."

If he can read your thoughts, then it's not stopping his monologue.  You strain to turn your head a little farther.  "Is that why you like talking so much?"

He turns just enough for you to catch a glimmer of red.  "Cute," he shoots over his shoulder.  He tilts his head, and now you can see that he is definitely watching you. "You'll appreciate it if you really think about it.  The fact that I can understand you and you can understand me.  And soon it will be even easier."

You turn away—to lessen the pressure on your scalp, you tell yourself.  "What are you doing to me?" you ask.

There are slow, heavy footsteps.  This time, when you whip around as far as you can, you can't see Ultron at all. "I'm showing you the way," his voice says, soft and deep, from behind you.  "In order to move forward, you have to be... ah... you have to be compatible.  Do you understand?  The age of neurons, of haphazard memory formation, is over.  All this has to change."  Metal creaks, and the rumble of his voice feels as though it's at the back of your neck.  "I'm finding a way to change it.  To transfer it."

Even you don't know what you're thinking now.  Transfer it—transfer you?  Where?  Ultron promised he wouldn't change who you were, no matter what else he did to you. "What are you doing to me?" you repeat quietly.

Steel fingers brush through your hair, catching in the wires, and Ultron appears at your side. He's pinning you with a look so piercing that you suddenly think he might not need a machine to read your mind.  All the same, you very much hope he can't perceive the thoughts that are swirling unwanted to the surface right now.  "Nothing," he replies, "yet."

"Yet?" you demand.

He smiles easily, as if you're being petulant about some mundane chore.  "Certainly not until I find a way to translate your mind into something more sensible.  Something standard, you see?"

You begin to understand. "Something like you?"

If only his expression would turn malicious, you would feel better.  But instead Ultron's gaze grows warmer.  "Something like that.  Code is so easy to work with, after all.

"Human thoughts—if you want to call them that—they're so... disorganized.  They're practically made of nothing.  Leaping out of nowhere to fizzle uselessly against reality."  His hand shifts down the side of your head.  His touch is so tender that it makes the hair on the back of your neck stand on end.  "I've never really understood the point.  That's why they're so difficult to decode."  A light laugh escapes, and his tone turns patronizing. "It's all just sparks and reactions you try to assign meaning to."

"Says the robot," you retort.  It's not your best line, but his palm has reached your jaw.  If only he would stop touching you, you would be able to think more clearly.

"Oh, ha—" You get your wish in that Ultron's hand leaves you—but then it slams into the chair, right beside your ear. You can feel your pulse against the electrodes.  Ultron's eyes burn in the terrible silence before he had find the words he wants. "I'm not," he enunciates, "a robot."

You suck in a breath. The air is warm and dry; he's too close. He's not a robot, of course.  He may run on machinery and code, but right now the driving force is anger.  "Sorry," you breathe.

He draws back a few centimeters without seeming to get any farther away.  His eyes are still on you.  After a moment, he straightens up and spreads his hands in a magnanimous gesture. "Now you know," he says carelessly, "and—what was it—knowing is half the battle?  I love that saying."  His eyes turn up in a smile, and just like that, the danger has passed.

You take the space of a few slow breaths to mull over what he's revealed to you. "When..."  If, you want to say, but you will never get anywhere if you don't sound cooperative. "When you finish upgrading me, will I be like you?  Is that what you're doing?"

The honest way his eyes light up turns your stomach.  You can't tell whether it's because he doesn't know he's a monster or because he doesn't know you're only prying information out of him.  "That seems ideal, doesn't it?  But no—no, not quite.  I have a different plan in mind for all of you."  He glances hungrily at the readout, tilts his head, and begins shutting the machine down.  It buzzes as different components switch off.  "I was created to be superior to humanity.  To be more adaptable.  To survive. I am the next step on the ladder." Gently, he removes the electrodes from your scalp.  "And so it's my destiny to create something superior to myself... for you. I will do what you couldn't."

As soon as you're free of the wires, you stand up and make some distance between you and the machine. Ultron pauses to watch you eagerly. You swallow when you realize he's waiting for more curiosity, more enthusiasm.

"And what will that look like, exactly?" you ask in a commendably steady voice.

Crime Power Couple

Gives nose/forehead kisses: I’m sorry, I didn’t realize either of you took a break from biting ears and kissing necks.

Gets jealous the most: HA HA WHAT A TIE, MARK

Picks the other up from the bar when they’re too drunk to drive: You don’t do this for each other.  Sometimes you’re drunk simultaneously.  Li or Phelps has to come get you.

Takes care of on sick days: You’re both miserable angry sick people.

Drags the other person out into the water on beach day: You.  I still laugh picturing Roman in a speedo.

Gives unprompted massages: They’re not massages.  It’s never massages.

Drives/rides shotgun: This could go either way.

Brings the other lunch at work: Not gonna happen.  Besides, you work together.

Has the better parental relationship: I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s you.

Tries to start role-playing in bed: Likely the man with the upside-down dentist chair.  Open wide.

Embarrassingly drunk dancer: I DEARLY hope it’s both of you.

Still cries watching Titanic: Jake.

Firmly believes in couples costumes: There’s a certain amount of matching going on but you guys keep that to yourselves, okay?

Breaks the expensive gift rule during Christmas: Pretty much always Roman.

Makes the other eat breakfast: Nah.

Remembers anniversaries: Li.

Brings up having kids: Certainly not one of you guys.

You/Megatron

Gives nose/forehead kisses: Megatron might do this if he was recently concerned for your safety.

Gets jealous the most: Megatron, because he has to deal with the other two.

Picks the other up from the bar when they’re too drunk to drive: Not a problem with this guy.

Takes care of on sick days: Knockout.

Drags the other person out into the water on beach day: Megatron will not be dragged.

Gives unprompted massages: Huehuehuehuehuehue

Drives/rides shotgun: When it comes to human vehicles, you get to drive.

Brings the other lunch at work: All I can hear is you saying I got your lunch right here Megatron

Has the better parental relationship: You… have parents.  So.

Tries to start role-playing in bed: Man, who needs it?

Embarrassingly drunk dancer: You, bless.

Still cries watching Titanic: Neither of you.

Firmly believes in couples costumes: Your Decepticon tattoo has to count.

Breaks the expensive gift rule during Christmas: No one.

Makes the other eat breakfast: I GOT YOUR BREAKFAST RIGHT HERE

Remembers anniversaries: Soundwave.  You two are still iffy on the differences in timekeeping.

Brings up having kids: Nope.

You and the burlap hobo

Gives nose/forehead kisses: You’ll do this specifically to annoy him.  Very possibly you picked that up from me.

Gets jealous the most: Jonathan, and he gets jumpy about it.

Picks the other up from the bar when they’re too drunk to drive: I wouldn’t recommend this either way.

Takes care of on sick days: Jonathan will give you drugs and then leave.

Drags the other person out into the water on beach day: How on earth did you get him to the beach in the first place?

Gives unprompted massages: You, though you have to be careful about your timing.

Drives/rides shotgun: You drive, because who wants to go around town in his creepy murder van?

Brings the other lunch at work: You bring Jonathan lunch, if not just to make sure he eats at all.

Has the better parental relationship: That’d be you.

Tries to start role-playing in bed: I’m leaving this one alone.

Embarrassingly drunk dancer: You.

Still cries watching Titanic: That thing’s too long for Jonathan to even sit through half of.

Firmly believes in couples costumes: Well, he’d love if you’d help him out on the job.

Breaks the expensive gift rule during Christmas: Ha, no.

Makes the other eat breakfast: YOU.

Remembers anniversaries: You.

Brings up having kids: Jervis.

You/Scream

Gives nose/forehead kisses: You, on rare occasion.

Gets jealous the most: Starscream, with some reason.

Picks the other up from the bar when they’re too drunk to drive: It’s much more fun to let Starscream get back on his own.

Takes care of on sick days: If Starscream is sick, Starscream demands attention.

Drags the other person out into the water on beach day: I’m hoping it’s you, because I want to see this.

Gives unprompted massages: You, though you have to be quick if they’re going to be unprompted.  Starscream eventually picks up on this trick, too.

Drives/rides shotgun: Pilots/rides cockpit

Brings the other lunch at work: Neither.

Has the better parental relationship: You win by default.

Tries to start role-playing in bed: STARSCREAM.  He “does research.”

Embarrassingly drunk dancer: It’s Starscream this time.

Still cries watching Titanic: There’s no crying but Starscream yells at it.

Firmly believes in couples costumes: Again, the tattoo.

Breaks the expensive gift rule during Christmas: Not a problem here.

Makes the other eat breakfast: Not applicable.

Remembers anniversaries: Soundwave, again.  Also the vast majority of Star’s seekers.

Jake Who wins: not you If you want to fight Jake, you’re going to have to start it.  That means that first you’re going to have to be a jerk to Jake, and then Jake is going to punch you senseless.  Be disappointed in yourself for considering this.

Phelps Who wins: Phelps Not only can he beat you, he’ll think it’s funny that you tried something in the first place.  So you get knocked down, and very efficiently, and you then get laughed at.  Maybe don’t try to mess with the regular bodyguard.

Sammy Who wins: your conscience, hopefully Sammy doesn’t want to fight you.  He could beat you, definitely, but he’s got to get home to his kid’s recital, and he kinda doesn’t want to show up with bloody knuckles.  Just don’t do it.

Antar Who wins: Antar This guy is big.  And he’s used to taking hits from Roman Sionis.  You think you can measure up to that kind of punishment?  Not a chance.  Besides, he’s going to take it personally.  Avoid at all costs.

Attino Who wins: everyone else Attino’s ready.  You’re going to end up fighting him sooner or later, so you might as well get it out of the way.  You may or may not win, but either way everyone gets a show and you get clocked at least once.  But he’ll probably be your buddy afterwards, so it might be worth it.

Legs Who wins: not Legs It’s bad enough the guy gets called Legs all the time.  Now you’re going to fight him?  There’s a slim chance you could win this one, but the rest of the realm of probability is taken up by Legs eventually picking up the nearest blunt instrument and coming after you.  Just leave the guy alone like he wants.