#rockypost

Is a question is just ask to myself, lol.

I guess I havent written on this platform for a while now, maybe a year or more, and since I’m in Lima and its August and I dont have something better to do I feel like I should update myself about feelings and this year and a half that just passed by since my last year review (which was about 2017).

2018 was calm. Looking back I can say it was a year when a lot of stress happened but also a lot gratitude happened. I did the shit I had to do, I traveled, I spent one of the most amazing summers in my life in Valencia and met beatiful people and I kind of miss it now.

I miss european summers.

I miss taking the bus, read Cien años de soledad in the sand while eating  peach hearing the sea and feeling burned by the heat. I miss that feeling, that peace. I miss the gin tonics and the beers and the poetry and the dancing, I miss the hungover trips to the supermarket, the late waking up, the going to sleep at 4 after smoking a cig from my sister’s window trying not to keep the smell of tobacco inside. I miss random tinder dates that become beautiful moments I will always have in my memory.

I borrowed from Luca the firts volume fo the Proust’s Ricerca. It talks about memory. Lately Ive been enjoying memory as a way to get to know myself from the past.

After my mental health fucked me up I feel that I broke the bridge with my old self in the name of changing and evolving. But looking back Im falling in love again with who I was, I mean, only the healthy habits of who I was, not the only ones.

Im starting to work on my thesis. Actually tomorrow morning I have to meet Renato to look some abandoned buildings. I’m really hoping it works. But if it doesn’t, Im having fun, Im getting myself out there.

The 18th of July I did my last exam. Damn boy I was WASTED.

Life is so damn beautiful

I can still remember going back to florence wearing Luca’s shirt, diving into the music and smiling all the way back while still hungover af.

It’s insane boy, all this stuff that life is throwing at me, all these beautiful people, all these talent.

I’m so inlove with art, with the people that make art, with the people that appreciate art. Because its never too basic to discuss about art in your kitchen floor.

And now Im in Lima and Im tired and sleepy but family is great and old friends always feel the same but people are living.

I guess this post is to allow myself to smile at what I’ve made my life to become. Just taking some pride about it

The song: Summertime Magic by Childish Gambino

Everything has been calmer. There’s this sense of peace I guess, in my life, in everything I’ve done until now. A sense of confort and stability, that I hated before but now I’ve learned to appreciate and actually desire sometimes.

Even though I know that it wont always been like this, and that the more moved times come and go and that in some months I will be super stressed with uni doing a lot of things and not having time for washing my clothes, I like this calm January, I’m enjoying it. 

Just doing things and having fun and budgeting and living a kinda minimalistic way is interesting. 

Stuff doesnt need always to be extreme to be interesting, I’m noticing that my creativity is arising and that I wanna be more productive and more engaged with what happens around me, but when I do sometimes stuff can become super overwhelming.

It’s weird cause all I ever wanted was adventure and stuff to happen. And stuff has happened, a lot, so I can say that this short period of stability and peace is something I’m actually enjoying.

It feels nice sometimes having everything under control. Not in the way of trying to control everything that happens around you, which is clearly wrong, but in a way of living life in which you take everything that happens and try to roll with it as best as possible. It can seem as a passive way of living. But since I’ve started struggling with mental health I’ve found out sometimes is better to let go and just, you know, live, and do stuff, and flow with it.

So you don’t even try to control everything, you actually give up totally on trying to control the uncontrollable so everything starts seeming in place and how it should be.

Accepting

So when you start accepting all this things that come your way that seem tragic and disastrous everything becomes easier.

Clearly for accepting I don’t understand receaving stuff in a passive way, but more actually letting that in, processing it, and then let it go.

Living things and feeling them is different that trying to tame them to fit what you think works/is best for you.

Sometimes the Caos in life has to be felt to become something different.

It’s a difficult task, and it shouldnt be a task cause we are all made of contradictions and even tho I’ve learned to process and feel stuff I’m a perfectionist too so I will try hardly to evade everything bad.

But I understand and I feel my contradictions.

Maybe I’m writing all of this cause I stayed at home tonight instead of going out and maybe I want to go out and get wasted and have my life be “moved”, but sometimes staying still and watching around you can be beautiful too.

And I know a balance of those things is maybe the thing Buddha has.

So I love my contraddictions, I love my perfectionism, my stress, my calm, the times I wanna be 17 again and feel everthing so deeply, but other times I dont want to feel at all, cause sometimes feelings can be also incredibly dark.

But other times I can love the beauty and humanity of crying and feeling bad.

Spending August in Valencia, and it’s just won der ful.

A lot of new reflexions coming up these days. And even though I sometimes leave my Tumblr I always like to approach it again to look for inspiration and to post things that inspire me as well.

It’s been a ride this year. A new university year is coming now, and I guess I’m ready. Better than before, happier, calmer, and I feel I know myself so much better than I did the last year. 

I still don’t know what I want, I have some ideas and some things that could become projects but everything is so in the air right now, such as I am. I’m literally just enjoying myself here, giving me the time to re-charge, and to get so bored of not doing anything so I can start to DO again, with more energy, with another approach.

I said I don’t know what I want, yet. And for now, I’m comfortable with that, because I want to discover it, and want to play and experiment wth my creativity, and I’m comfrotable with discovering what I can do with this whole architecture career I’m following. How to apply the things I like to do, and how to apply my passion to something creative, and beautiful.

It’s all pretty blurry right now because of that. Because yeah I could post more on insta and do collages on photoshop. But I feel that’s pretty -basic- for what I want. It’s nice to produce something, of course. But I need to fin my language, and my way of expression, Something that I can do beyond of having a -fire- instagram. Something more tangible or real, something beyond the likes and the following. 

And of course that instagram can get you job opportunities and it’s an amazing way of showcasing your job, and we should use that to our advantage (Look at all the influencers out there).

But I want maybe my instagram to just be a way to showcase something, and not the actual object of my creativity.

For now my insta is a moodboard, a journal of my life, where I showcase things that I enjoy seeing, pictures I took with my phone and edit in VSCO when I’m bored. And it’s cute. But I want to produce something way more tangible, beyond the likes. I’ve been having some ideas during the years clearly. But I need to really understand it. I enjoy the process in a certain way though.

I know I’ve been the messiest

On and off Tumblr since like forever it seems now.

But hey, I wasn’t feeling it .

I dont promise I will be back to “regular posting”.

But I will post my 2k16 Review, as its tradition already