#robronsecretsanta2k19

The night after they make their plans to leave Emmerdale for good, Robert holds Aaron tightly in their bed. Aaron wonders what Robert is thinking about but doesn’t ask him. He likes the quiet and the comfort of Robert pressed up against his back. It makes Aaron feel at home and safe. For a split second, it makes him forget about the one night stand Robert had with Rebecca and the fact that Robert is having a baby with her.

A baby that Robert should be having with him, eventually. Aaron always figured it was only a matter of time, the next step in their relationship. Obviously, it wouldn’t have been for another few years and it would be complicated with Aaron’s past, but they would make it work. Somehow, they always made it work.

Like with Robert setting up the surprise wedding just before he went to prison. It was the happiest Aaron had ever been and now… now he doesn’t even know what it was all for. Can they really leave the village? Can Robert really forget the fact that he has a child out there in the world? Robert had promised him, promised him that the baby didn’t matter, would never matter, but Aaron knows Robert better than anyone. Family is everything to Robert.

It’s just one of the reasons why Aaron loves him so much. Robert would do anything for his family and Aaron knows he would make a fantastic dad. Aaron so desperately wanted that future with Robert. He doesn’t know if he’s going to get it now.

“What are you thinking about?” Robert’s voice breaks through the silence and Aaron reaches up to wipe at his wet eyes.

“Our future,” he answers simply. It shuts Robert up. Maybe he’s too afraid to ask Aaron if their dreamed up future is happy or not. “Are you sure about this, Robert?”

“Yeah,” Robert sits up, leans over Aaron to look at his face. “Aren’t you?” Aaron shrugs, avoiding eye contact. In reality he’s not sure about anything anymore. “Look, it’ll all work out, I promise. We’ll go to Dublin first, meet up with your Mum and Liv. Then we’ll just… take it from there.”

Aaron shakes his head minutely, rolling his eyes. He can feel Robert’s beating heart against his chest, the rhythm fast and panicked. Robert doesn’t want to lose him. Aaron doesn’t want to lose him either.

He doesn’t know what he would do without Robert.

What his life would be like.

Empty.

Aaron rolls so he’s facing Robert and Robert searches his face with his eyes. “The baby-”

“Doesn’t matter,” Robert interrupts. Robert sits up more and his eyes are pleading. “Aaron, listen, it’s going to be great. We can move on from this whole mess. No Rebecca, no baby, no Whites in general.” He’s frowning now, eyes skittering over Aaron’s form. “I thought this was what you wanted.”

“It doesn’t matter what I want, Robert.” Aaron throws the duvet off and stands, pacing around their bedroom. “This baby-”

“Would you stop talking about the stupid baby,” Robert snaps and Aaron stops his pacing.

“The baby will be your family, Robert.”

“No,” Robert gets up too, approaches Aaron. “No, you and Liv are my family. Why are you pushing me on this?” Aaron shrugs again and looks down at his feet. He’s actually not sure why he is pushing the subject. He wants to forget about the baby too, pretend it never even happened. He wants to love Robert and not feel anger and hate and sadness all at the same time. He wants Robert to want him and only him.

He wants to mean just as much to Robert as Robert means to him.

His entire world.

His entire life.

Everything.

“Let’s just forget about it,” Aaron eventually says and he doesn’t miss Robert rolling his eyes.

Robert turns, heads back to the bed to sit on the side. “I’ve been trying to but you won’t shut up.”

“I will.”

Aaron walks to his own side of the bed and crawls back under the duvet. He curls into himself, the feel of Robert’s eyes boring into his back. Eventually Robert sighs and shimmies over to him, pulling him so his back is flushed against Robert’s chest once more. Robert is warm and comfortable and Aaron welcomes it when Robert buries his face in his neck. Not to kiss but to just breathe him in. Aaron allows it, wishes he could live in this time and space forever but he knows he can’t and eventually reality is going to come crashing back down.

Hard.

*~~~*

In the morning, the two of them have breakfast together. It’s mostly silent, Aaron eating a bowl of cereal while Robert eats toast. The air between them is strained but with a mixture of calm. Aaron fears it’s the calm before the storm starting to settle in. Neither of them got any sleep last night.

“Have you cleaned them?”

Aaron furrows his brows and looks at Robert in confusion. “What?”

“The cuts.” Robert gestures with his head. “Have you cleaned them properly?”

Aaron rolls his eyes. He just can’t help himself. “Of course I have. Stop worryin’.”

Robert’s brows don’t smooth out and instead stay in their concerned form. His eyes are sparkling as he watches Aaron. “I’m your husband. It’s my job to worry.”

Aaron could retort to that. He has a couple, ones that he knows would cut Robert deep, right on the tip of his tongue. Were you worried about me when you slept with Rebecca? Were you worried about me when you knocked her up? But he doesn’t say any of that. Neither of them need it right now.

Robert must read the anger or hurt or whatever in Aaron’s eyes because he reaches across the table and grabs a hold of Aaron’s hand. He squeezes in reassurance. “I love you.”

Aaron can’t not say it back. Because he does still love Robert, no matter what. He’s never been good at stopping that part of his heart that belongs to Robert. He could never let him go, could never move on.

His heart belongs to Robert.

He loves him

He can’t live without him.

“I love you too.” Aaron nods in confirmation, can already feel his eyes watering. “You know.”

“I know.” Robert doesn’t even hesitate and Aaron almost believes Robert’s eyes are filling up with tears too but Robert is pulling away and standing to clear the dishes before he can study it more. Maybe if Robert was more willing to actually show his emotions in front of Aaron the two of them wouldn’t be in this mess.

Maybe if Aaron wasn’t so much of a mess to begin with they wouldn’t be where they are right now.

After all, Aaron is just as much of a screw up as Robert is.

Always has been and always will be.

And everyone leaves him.

Eventually.

“I was thinking,” Robert begins where he stands at the sink, washing up. “I’ll go out today and book us the flight to Dublin. How does that sound?”

The water shuts off and that is Aaron’s queue to wipe his tears away. He twists in his seat to see Robert leaning against the counter, hands gripping the edge in a white knuckled embrace. His husband is on edge and Aaron doesn’t blame him. After all, he’s feeling the same  way.

“Sure,” he answers and gives Robert a quick smile. Robert frowns at it but he does walk up to Aaron and kiss him on the head, hands on either side of Aaron’s face. Robert tilts Aaron’s head up, making Aaron look him in the eyes. “It’ll all work out. Once we’re gone from here, we’ll be happy again.”

Aaron knows, rationally, that’s not how it works but he wants to live in the fantasy for just a bit longer. He’s tired of his heart breaking. “Yeah, we will.”

Robert kisses him again, this time on the mouth before letting Aaron go and walking away. Aaron watches his husband’s back, feeling the heavy weight on his heart grow stronger and stronger until it forms a large lump in his throat. Robert stops in the entryway of the flat, grabbing his blue puffy jacket, and turning back to look at Aaron. “Everything will be perfect before you know it.”

Aaron gives him another fast smile and a small nod. He doesn't know what to say and he feels guilty when Robert frowns at him. They stay like that for several seconds, staring at one another before Robert turns away and leaves the flat, shutting the door firmly behind himself. Aaron watches the whole time, not moving his eyes from that one spot. The person he loves the most in the world has left the building and though Aaron knows Robert is coming back to him, he can still feel his heart breaking. He wants nothing more than for Robert’s plan to work.

Because he wants that future with Robert.

The person he can’t dream of being without.

The love of his life.

His husband.

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