#roastpigboy

(Submitted by @roastpigboy. Check out more of his meat on his profile.)

A lot of people ask me what the best part of being me is. I always tell them the same thing: a chef of my calibre attracts the best meat.

Take this eager pig. You're looking at over 500 pounds of S-grade porkboy. Most pigs who get to this weight are only useful for slaughter, or even pigfeed, so that alone makes this pork desirable. At a restaurant, a pig like this can easily sell for more than most people make in a year, and as for hunting or Meat-up? You're hoping nobody else gets there first.

Most guys never get to taste pork like this, let alone cook it themselves. Me? I get top quality pigboys all the time, although rarely this big. Turns out he's barely leaves his apartment, works from home, spends all his money on fatty foods just so he was prepared when the right chef comes along.

I was in the area for work and as soon as my name popped up on his Meat-up feed he sent these photos over, and I didn't even need to think before I told him to set his status to On The Menu. I drove to his apartment to pick him up and believe me, he looked even better in person. It's a good thing he knew his worth and was smart enough to stay inside when he could, because a lesser chef getting a pig like this is like hiring an architect because they're good at Lego. Longpork like this deserves a chef worthy of it.

I cagefed this pig prepped his balls with saline injections and a pineapple scotch bonnett mix before I cut them off, covered them in ground longpork sausage, and wrapped them in boybacon, and from that first bite I knew he'd never make it to housepig status - I needed to eat him ASAP. Luckily, Pork Chop here was only too happy to get back in the cage when I told him he'd be getting what he deserved in a week.

I started organizing a dinner party. 500 pounds of meat is a lot, even with my appetite, and there's no way I'm wasting even a mouthful of pork like this - and plenty of cannibals will happily fly from out of country for some real blue ribbon meat.

When it was time, I stuffed this hog with a solid ten pounds of gingerbread, longpork, and cherry stuffing, then covered him in a maple bourbon glaze. He'd perfected the optimum roasting position for a hog this size,but I still had to truss him up - even the most obedient pig might squirm as they cook, and there's no way I'm going to risk burning meat this sweet - and believe me, I've rarely seen a pig so eager for an apple in the mouth.

I cooked this hog low and slow, and I had to start cooking the night before just to make sure he was roasted to perfection. All that fat kept him nice and tender, and he was still alive when it was time to start carving. He couldn't feel us cutting into him, but I'm sure he was satisfied that he'd finally become what he was always meant to be - a delicious meal.